8 Habits of Me
The rules: Each player lists 8 facts or habits about themselves; the rules of the game are to be posted first; at the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people.
1. I wear masks. I used to sit out in my backyard in Phoenix a lot. Sometimes on the roof, sometimes hiding in the trees, just watching people and spending a lot of time thinking about behavior. I remember sitting out in my backyard watching the sunset one night, around the age of eight, and thinking about the adults in my life. It always seemed to me that they acted so differently to one another. I hated it. I knew that the face they held and the words they uttered were lies. I told myself that I never wanted to filter myself like that. That I would never wear a mask. I felt that it was a lie and I wasn't willing to act that way. But in growing up, you begin to understand more and more why adult do wear masks. I thought I would be more hurtful (for me and those people) in filtering what I say and do. It turns out, that sometimes, it is just as hurtful to not do so. I also learned that in the business world you wear the mask that you need to in order to get the job done. That who you are to one group of people will not necessarily work in another. The thing is, in a way, it is just as honest. You are remaining valid to that group or to a certain person. It is a compromise to their needs. It can be tiring. It is tiring. But I have found it necessary. I am a different person to many people, but I know that my core is the same.
2. I loose keys, wallets, cell phones and watches. Some of you have heard the story of my Grandfather, Jim Brown. My grandfather was a retired factory worker, tinkerer and general junkyard enthusiast. He was obsessed with mechanical details, tools, fixing, breaking, creating, making a mess, and poking his nose into everyone's business. I remember being very young and being told, "Tonya, your life is ruled by clocks and keys!" To me this was a devastating bit of news. Seeing the world through that perspective seemed too ordered, too organized, too boring. I have spent everyday trying to prove my Grandfather wrong. I loose keys constantly. Now that I live here in Japan and live between old couples that watch everyone who comes and goes from my apartment, if I can't find my keys I don't lock the door. If I don't have my keys, I can't unlock my bike and ride to school so I walk. My body tells me when to wake up and most of the time I am somewhere close to consciousness when the alarm goes off if not completely awake. I have not wanted nor worn a watch since... heh, since my Grandfather died when I was 17. The closest I have had is my cell phone. And I have managed to lose or destroy a cell phone at least once a year since I got one. Time is valuable to me, but not in the way that my Grandfather perceived it. For him it was punctuality and always being early (that is one thing that stuck - I like being early). For me it seeing value in time as a commodity. My time is the most valuable thing to me. I will pay more for something that saves me time and is convenient. What this attitude has also led me to thinking (as I am descended from a long line of junkyard junkies and terminal pack rats) that one should have a detachment from things and money. I don't save money, really, nor have the desire. I like having things, but if it all went up in smoke tomorrow, it would not be a significant blow to my core person. So none of the four things hold significance to me because of that desire for an opposing viewpoint.
3. I foster my chemical addictions. I need coffee daily. In fact, I am sipping on a lovely カフェオーレ right now (yes my normal stripy boxed kind). Caffeine is necessary to my existence. I also, on rare occasions of stress and possibly fatigue like a clove cigarette or five. I am ok with these chemical dependencies.
4. I collect socially deviant friends. I have heard phrases like, "I never really liked other people," "I never really fit in with the 'in-crowd,'" "I didn't have many friends," "I was a nerd," or something along those lines from every single one of you. None of us were popular, none of seemed to want to or be able to fit into the mainstream. Yet we all seemed to find each other. I like it that way. There is something about mainstream that is a general turn off to me. They are predictable and uninteresting. This preference, however, comes with a downside: you all have issues. But I love you all, and sometimes your issues.
5. I need stress, adrenaline rushes, and ranting. Life is boring otherwise. That is all.
6. Vanity. Over-weight women tend to be one of two mindsets: completely self-deprecated and lacking any self esteem or overly vain and have an unhealthy view of their physical self, not caring if they are indeed fat or not. I fall into that second category. So much so that I sometimes find compliments abrasive and condescending. I know who I am regardless of my physical appearance. I find constant positive reinforcement trite and superfluous. The opposite is true. I know I can be beautiful and I HATE people who automatically assume because of my physical appearance I must have low self esteem. I was told by a someone over here that I have "a black woman's name. It's even spelled like a black woman - what was yo momma thinkin'?" (Kaga JETs get bonuses if they realize who said that to me.) For the most part I also have a black woman's opinion of my big fat ass. I like my big fat ass, it partially led me to be the person that I am. Yeah, it's not healthy, but neither is the obsession most people have over their appearance. People who are obsessed with physical perfection infuriate me because they fail to see their internal value and place an emphasis on something that is purely superficial. Be healthy, not obsessed. The danger of my vanity is that I am not as healthy as I should be. I have been over-weight since the age of 10, in varying degrees. For a little while, it did affect how I viewed my personal worth, but I was able to pull back and see how that emotion affected other people and not want that for myself. So I see myself and beautiful - a big, fat beautiful girl who has the mental resources to tackle the important things. I just know I need to see a photo of myself for a wake up call every once in a while. A mirror is not useful - our mind plays tricks on us when we look in a mirror. We see what we think we should see. Not what is really there.
7. I am selfish and overly pragmatic. As mentioned above, time is important to me. If it is a waste of my time, it is most assuredly going to be omitted from my life. This includes people, activities, things, ideas, pursuits, anything and everything. My time is my own, don't fuck with it. The opposite side of that is if I find something that is of value to me, I go after it. If it is something I want to do, I will do it. If someone has a problem with it, that is their issue not mine. If they want it more than I do, prove it. Otherwise get the hell out of my way.
8. I am emotionally detached. Many things led me to feel this necessary. It's not that I don't feel, it's just for the most part (in relation to number seven) related to knowing there are some things I cannot change. Deal with things and move on. View things with balanced amounts of emotion and logic.
All of these I view and both strengths and weaknesses. revmamacrystal tagged me. Please see her entry for further reference.
I challenge these 8 people: chibibigos , etherealpandora , hobbit_maiden , lilannan , rhapsody2122 , pithetaphish , rosencreature , and travelingfeet .
1. I wear masks. I used to sit out in my backyard in Phoenix a lot. Sometimes on the roof, sometimes hiding in the trees, just watching people and spending a lot of time thinking about behavior. I remember sitting out in my backyard watching the sunset one night, around the age of eight, and thinking about the adults in my life. It always seemed to me that they acted so differently to one another. I hated it. I knew that the face they held and the words they uttered were lies. I told myself that I never wanted to filter myself like that. That I would never wear a mask. I felt that it was a lie and I wasn't willing to act that way. But in growing up, you begin to understand more and more why adult do wear masks. I thought I would be more hurtful (for me and those people) in filtering what I say and do. It turns out, that sometimes, it is just as hurtful to not do so. I also learned that in the business world you wear the mask that you need to in order to get the job done. That who you are to one group of people will not necessarily work in another. The thing is, in a way, it is just as honest. You are remaining valid to that group or to a certain person. It is a compromise to their needs. It can be tiring. It is tiring. But I have found it necessary. I am a different person to many people, but I know that my core is the same.
2. I loose keys, wallets, cell phones and watches. Some of you have heard the story of my Grandfather, Jim Brown. My grandfather was a retired factory worker, tinkerer and general junkyard enthusiast. He was obsessed with mechanical details, tools, fixing, breaking, creating, making a mess, and poking his nose into everyone's business. I remember being very young and being told, "Tonya, your life is ruled by clocks and keys!" To me this was a devastating bit of news. Seeing the world through that perspective seemed too ordered, too organized, too boring. I have spent everyday trying to prove my Grandfather wrong. I loose keys constantly. Now that I live here in Japan and live between old couples that watch everyone who comes and goes from my apartment, if I can't find my keys I don't lock the door. If I don't have my keys, I can't unlock my bike and ride to school so I walk. My body tells me when to wake up and most of the time I am somewhere close to consciousness when the alarm goes off if not completely awake. I have not wanted nor worn a watch since... heh, since my Grandfather died when I was 17. The closest I have had is my cell phone. And I have managed to lose or destroy a cell phone at least once a year since I got one. Time is valuable to me, but not in the way that my Grandfather perceived it. For him it was punctuality and always being early (that is one thing that stuck - I like being early). For me it seeing value in time as a commodity. My time is the most valuable thing to me. I will pay more for something that saves me time and is convenient. What this attitude has also led me to thinking (as I am descended from a long line of junkyard junkies and terminal pack rats) that one should have a detachment from things and money. I don't save money, really, nor have the desire. I like having things, but if it all went up in smoke tomorrow, it would not be a significant blow to my core person. So none of the four things hold significance to me because of that desire for an opposing viewpoint.
3. I foster my chemical addictions. I need coffee daily. In fact, I am sipping on a lovely カフェオーレ right now (yes my normal stripy boxed kind). Caffeine is necessary to my existence. I also, on rare occasions of stress and possibly fatigue like a clove cigarette or five. I am ok with these chemical dependencies.
4. I collect socially deviant friends. I have heard phrases like, "I never really liked other people," "I never really fit in with the 'in-crowd,'" "I didn't have many friends," "I was a nerd," or something along those lines from every single one of you. None of us were popular, none of seemed to want to or be able to fit into the mainstream. Yet we all seemed to find each other. I like it that way. There is something about mainstream that is a general turn off to me. They are predictable and uninteresting. This preference, however, comes with a downside: you all have issues. But I love you all, and sometimes your issues.
5. I need stress, adrenaline rushes, and ranting. Life is boring otherwise. That is all.
6. Vanity. Over-weight women tend to be one of two mindsets: completely self-deprecated and lacking any self esteem or overly vain and have an unhealthy view of their physical self, not caring if they are indeed fat or not. I fall into that second category. So much so that I sometimes find compliments abrasive and condescending. I know who I am regardless of my physical appearance. I find constant positive reinforcement trite and superfluous. The opposite is true. I know I can be beautiful and I HATE people who automatically assume because of my physical appearance I must have low self esteem. I was told by a someone over here that I have "a black woman's name. It's even spelled like a black woman - what was yo momma thinkin'?" (Kaga JETs get bonuses if they realize who said that to me.) For the most part I also have a black woman's opinion of my big fat ass. I like my big fat ass, it partially led me to be the person that I am. Yeah, it's not healthy, but neither is the obsession most people have over their appearance. People who are obsessed with physical perfection infuriate me because they fail to see their internal value and place an emphasis on something that is purely superficial. Be healthy, not obsessed. The danger of my vanity is that I am not as healthy as I should be. I have been over-weight since the age of 10, in varying degrees. For a little while, it did affect how I viewed my personal worth, but I was able to pull back and see how that emotion affected other people and not want that for myself. So I see myself and beautiful - a big, fat beautiful girl who has the mental resources to tackle the important things. I just know I need to see a photo of myself for a wake up call every once in a while. A mirror is not useful - our mind plays tricks on us when we look in a mirror. We see what we think we should see. Not what is really there.
7. I am selfish and overly pragmatic. As mentioned above, time is important to me. If it is a waste of my time, it is most assuredly going to be omitted from my life. This includes people, activities, things, ideas, pursuits, anything and everything. My time is my own, don't fuck with it. The opposite side of that is if I find something that is of value to me, I go after it. If it is something I want to do, I will do it. If someone has a problem with it, that is their issue not mine. If they want it more than I do, prove it. Otherwise get the hell out of my way.
8. I am emotionally detached. Many things led me to feel this necessary. It's not that I don't feel, it's just for the most part (in relation to number seven) related to knowing there are some things I cannot change. Deal with things and move on. View things with balanced amounts of emotion and logic.
All of these I view and both strengths and weaknesses. revmamacrystal tagged me. Please see her entry for further reference.
I challenge these 8 people: chibibigos , etherealpandora , hobbit_maiden , lilannan , rhapsody2122 , pithetaphish , rosencreature , and travelingfeet .