Sadness... Just one night of self-centric immaturity
I'm not sure where to start. This is not my usual way of using LJ, but I'm alone and need to talk. I want to talk about Now... and Then... and If only... Jesus, I'm a fucking grown up, I should be able to cope with this. This! This is self-indulgent bullshit and I am drowning in it.
OK. Time for a little honest background. A new girl started a few weeks ago where I volunteer (nothing altruistic, don't worry). She's cute, friendly and way, way, waaaayyyyyyyyy younger than me. We flirt and I see her crush grow as I deny my own infatuation. She regularly seeks advice on life, love and why all-men-are-bastards. I help. And you can see the rest of this coming eh? Anyway, I did the right thing (repeatedly). Each time she responded to my words and kindness I kept her at a distance despite feeling the need to reach out and take her in my arms. I never took advantage. In fact I helped her steer her way through the angst of youth and unrequited love. But this culminated in seeing her together with her chosen one this evening and I am in hell. She wanted me and I knew it, but I also know that I could only hurt her and that my desire was selfish and short term. I want to kill him for his childish fortune and naivety and because he is my mortal enemy. Instead I chased her into my arms and I'm left (as ever) mourning a life dictated by my own philosophy instead of following the way of the herd. I can't begin to count the times in my life I've adhered to my own creed and been left crying man-tears (the ones that run down your arms as you hold your head in your hands in the dark). I tell myself that I would be unhappy as a selfish bastard and that it is important to protect the vulnerable and to do anything to avoid hurting others, especially those you like, but... how I loath those that just take what's on offer at any cost leaving me on the lonely moral high-ground. So! So? I watched her in his arms, as I've watched others before and I slapped myself on the back and then hid my face from the light as I shook with tears for something I should never have had. In good time, we'll be good friends and I'l be able to smile at my foolishness.
There, that's better. Sorry, but I needed to get that off my chest.
Please don't comment if it is to point out how pathetic I look. I know and I'm embarrased enough by my behaviour and feelings. Sorry
OK. Time for a little honest background. A new girl started a few weeks ago where I volunteer (nothing altruistic, don't worry). She's cute, friendly and way, way, waaaayyyyyyyyy younger than me. We flirt and I see her crush grow as I deny my own infatuation. She regularly seeks advice on life, love and why all-men-are-bastards. I help. And you can see the rest of this coming eh? Anyway, I did the right thing (repeatedly). Each time she responded to my words and kindness I kept her at a distance despite feeling the need to reach out and take her in my arms. I never took advantage. In fact I helped her steer her way through the angst of youth and unrequited love. But this culminated in seeing her together with her chosen one this evening and I am in hell. She wanted me and I knew it, but I also know that I could only hurt her and that my desire was selfish and short term. I want to kill him for his childish fortune and naivety and because he is my mortal enemy. Instead I chased her into my arms and I'm left (as ever) mourning a life dictated by my own philosophy instead of following the way of the herd. I can't begin to count the times in my life I've adhered to my own creed and been left crying man-tears (the ones that run down your arms as you hold your head in your hands in the dark). I tell myself that I would be unhappy as a selfish bastard and that it is important to protect the vulnerable and to do anything to avoid hurting others, especially those you like, but... how I loath those that just take what's on offer at any cost leaving me on the lonely moral high-ground. So! So? I watched her in his arms, as I've watched others before and I slapped myself on the back and then hid my face from the light as I shook with tears for something I should never have had. In good time, we'll be good friends and I'l be able to smile at my foolishness.
There, that's better. Sorry, but I needed to get that off my chest.
Please don't comment if it is to point out how pathetic I look. I know and I'm embarrased enough by my behaviour and feelings. Sorry