Lazy Mami
Like all mothers I am constantly wondering if I suck because I don't want to spend every waking minute ensuring my baby's blissful happiness. People are constantly telling me that she is the happiest baby they have ever seen, etc. Of course, I know that she was born this way...and that all I can do now is screw it up.
I need to work, I need time to myself to think also. Somehow my work is enhanced by alone time. I am unable to visit my parents across the country for a month or two, they are giving me shit and I am actively lobbying my husband to go with the baby without me for an entire week.
It will be the 4th or 5th time I have been separated from her and she is only 15 mos.
Maybe I should have made this journal friends only so a bunch of crazies won't descend upon me and tell me that I am a bad mother.
Note to reader: I am not actually asking for your advice.
It is an interesting dilemma because our financial security--our advancement in life--really truly depends on me. To be a good mami I have to get tenure and be very successful so that I can get raises, etc. and so we can have a house and health care on a regular basis. So to be a good mami, I have to work and not spend all my time with my child.
Not this sounds like...what being a good papi is supposed to be. It gets kind of confusing for me. I feel guilty no matter what I do--because if I am not working then I am being a bad parent and if I am working I am being a bad parent.
Not really...and the guilt is not the horrific guilt I will describe shortly but only a mild twinge of uneasiness.
Anyway, I decided to spend the last two days with her and me alone together rather than spending the days writing. I am not being as efficient as I would like and it makes me feel bad that she is in daycare while I am skimming through unrelated books and filing my nails,or rereading old papers, other people's papers, searching the e-resources, etc. Eventually, we have to go back to that because I am not going to get this thing done and then I am going to go insane. But I thought maybe I just need to spend more time with her during the day if I am stuck right now.
In any case, it is interesting that the past two days with us alone have been sort of this bonding experience. I have decided to forget about everything and focus on her and her alone. And she is so sweet when you do that. When I entertain her every second of the day she is an angel. And she is adorable at all times even when she is being a bit devilish. But that mami-baby bonding experience has been interesting. I don't know what it means....does it mean that I am not spending nearly enough time with her. (Note to the judgmental or my guilty conscience: I spend at least 7 hours interacting with her a day...and she only goes to daycare an average of 20 hours a week.)
OK, so the horrific guilt happened when I started freaking out a bit and cursing to myself under my breath about something I couldn't find. A couple of times in the past I have really gotten a bit agitated with some project or task that I was trying to finish and just kind of freaked a bit about it. I assumed she did not notice but I have seen that for the last few days whenever I express annoyance (to myself...I don't usually get annoyed at her) she makes this noise like "aaaahhh..."--like she is scared I'm going to lose it. My freaking out, which I thought she did not notice, apparently did upset her. I left a scar! The first one, maybe.
It was interesting when she was born because I realized that for some time...some short time...maybe less than a year, maybe a little more than a year, I could make her life as close to perfect as it could get. I could make her little life wonderful. I try to do that as much as I can but maybe I am not doing it as much as I should.
Oh, that distress she expressed, that made me feel sooooo guilty. Have I scarred her? Traumatized her? What happened in that little brain when mami was going nuts? That's the thing I never realized about the whole parenting thing: I don't really know!!! It's really hard to tell what effect you are having on your child...beyond the obvious--I'm busy and ignoring you and that is pissing you off..." When I ignore her she goes "Mami? Up? Up?" I told her to do that instead of throw my books off my bookshelves. So now when she says that I have to respond.
I am on the verge of getting my shit together. Right on the verge. For the millionth time. But this year--these 15 mos. since she was born--have been the best time in my life. I am on the edge of making it.
I wonder if we will get the mortgage...we only have one more day and we don't have it yet...
I need to work, I need time to myself to think also. Somehow my work is enhanced by alone time. I am unable to visit my parents across the country for a month or two, they are giving me shit and I am actively lobbying my husband to go with the baby without me for an entire week.
It will be the 4th or 5th time I have been separated from her and she is only 15 mos.
Maybe I should have made this journal friends only so a bunch of crazies won't descend upon me and tell me that I am a bad mother.
Note to reader: I am not actually asking for your advice.
It is an interesting dilemma because our financial security--our advancement in life--really truly depends on me. To be a good mami I have to get tenure and be very successful so that I can get raises, etc. and so we can have a house and health care on a regular basis. So to be a good mami, I have to work and not spend all my time with my child.
Not this sounds like...what being a good papi is supposed to be. It gets kind of confusing for me. I feel guilty no matter what I do--because if I am not working then I am being a bad parent and if I am working I am being a bad parent.
Not really...and the guilt is not the horrific guilt I will describe shortly but only a mild twinge of uneasiness.
Anyway, I decided to spend the last two days with her and me alone together rather than spending the days writing. I am not being as efficient as I would like and it makes me feel bad that she is in daycare while I am skimming through unrelated books and filing my nails,or rereading old papers, other people's papers, searching the e-resources, etc. Eventually, we have to go back to that because I am not going to get this thing done and then I am going to go insane. But I thought maybe I just need to spend more time with her during the day if I am stuck right now.
In any case, it is interesting that the past two days with us alone have been sort of this bonding experience. I have decided to forget about everything and focus on her and her alone. And she is so sweet when you do that. When I entertain her every second of the day she is an angel. And she is adorable at all times even when she is being a bit devilish. But that mami-baby bonding experience has been interesting. I don't know what it means....does it mean that I am not spending nearly enough time with her. (Note to the judgmental or my guilty conscience: I spend at least 7 hours interacting with her a day...and she only goes to daycare an average of 20 hours a week.)
OK, so the horrific guilt happened when I started freaking out a bit and cursing to myself under my breath about something I couldn't find. A couple of times in the past I have really gotten a bit agitated with some project or task that I was trying to finish and just kind of freaked a bit about it. I assumed she did not notice but I have seen that for the last few days whenever I express annoyance (to myself...I don't usually get annoyed at her) she makes this noise like "aaaahhh..."--like she is scared I'm going to lose it. My freaking out, which I thought she did not notice, apparently did upset her. I left a scar! The first one, maybe.
It was interesting when she was born because I realized that for some time...some short time...maybe less than a year, maybe a little more than a year, I could make her life as close to perfect as it could get. I could make her little life wonderful. I try to do that as much as I can but maybe I am not doing it as much as I should.
Oh, that distress she expressed, that made me feel sooooo guilty. Have I scarred her? Traumatized her? What happened in that little brain when mami was going nuts? That's the thing I never realized about the whole parenting thing: I don't really know!!! It's really hard to tell what effect you are having on your child...beyond the obvious--I'm busy and ignoring you and that is pissing you off..." When I ignore her she goes "Mami? Up? Up?" I told her to do that instead of throw my books off my bookshelves. So now when she says that I have to respond.
I am on the verge of getting my shit together. Right on the verge. For the millionth time. But this year--these 15 mos. since she was born--have been the best time in my life. I am on the edge of making it.
I wonder if we will get the mortgage...we only have one more day and we don't have it yet...