(no subject)
...and when you take a breath it tastes clean....like nobody ever used it before.
I was in the hospital again last night.
Sanity has become these tricky little notion that I hunt and chase like a rabbit, and more often than not, it slips away and I plummet down the rabbit hole.
Last night I realised how delusional I've become, and how long my head has been wrapped up in itself, creating it's own reality.
Christopher and I are just friends. It was never any more than that (?). He said that to me a bunch of different times, but I never heard those parts. I took his affection and attention as hints towards something more because I am desperate to be loved.
The problem is, I think that I love harder and faster than anyone else. I give more. I try more. The key point is "I think". There is the delusion. Maybe I do feel things more intensely than other people....but I keep telling myself that I'm alone and that I'm the only person capable of loving someone as strongly as I do. Therefore, when other people love me, I feel unfulfilled...because I don't trust that they are capable of the strength of love that I am. If I go through life convinced that no one will ever love me as much as I love them, I am bound to be disappointed and I am bound to experience countless instances of felt-rejection. The problem is convincing myself that I'm wrong. It's a scary time when you can't trust yourself.
I am an unreliable narrator.
I was in the hospital again last night.
Sanity has become these tricky little notion that I hunt and chase like a rabbit, and more often than not, it slips away and I plummet down the rabbit hole.
Last night I realised how delusional I've become, and how long my head has been wrapped up in itself, creating it's own reality.
Christopher and I are just friends. It was never any more than that (?). He said that to me a bunch of different times, but I never heard those parts. I took his affection and attention as hints towards something more because I am desperate to be loved.
The problem is, I think that I love harder and faster than anyone else. I give more. I try more. The key point is "I think". There is the delusion. Maybe I do feel things more intensely than other people....but I keep telling myself that I'm alone and that I'm the only person capable of loving someone as strongly as I do. Therefore, when other people love me, I feel unfulfilled...because I don't trust that they are capable of the strength of love that I am. If I go through life convinced that no one will ever love me as much as I love them, I am bound to be disappointed and I am bound to experience countless instances of felt-rejection. The problem is convincing myself that I'm wrong. It's a scary time when you can't trust yourself.
I am an unreliable narrator.