(no subject)
I'm through with doubt, there's nothing left for me to figure out.
You know what? Confidence is key and I've realized that fuck it. I can do whatever the hell I want to. I don't have anything to hold me down, the world is my proverbial oyster and I'm ready for whatever shit my daily shit show throws at me. No I'm not depressed. No I'm not going to constantly question what it is that I do.
What it is that I do. I'm not quite sure what that is, or what that will be and I think at some point in my life, and why not now, I'm going to have to admit to myself that I'm probably never going to be satisfied with my present position and that I'm probably never going to know what I want to do. I'll probably change my career a dozen times, I'll probably go in and out of phases and that should be enough for me to know. On some level, I think I'm okay with that. I've learned something about myself through the years: that no matter the situation, I'm not afraid to say that it isn't right for me. I'm not afraid to change.
So I made a mistake. So Virginia sucks and DC isn't everything I would have hoped for it to be. So what? So the job isn't everything I hoped it would be. So what? I'm done thinking about it, being sorry for it. Its a year in a life and I don't need to apologize for it. I know I've done something that few people would ever do. I packed up and moved to a place where I didn't know anyone, I didn't have any family, for an opportunity. And it was just that - an opportunity. But it isn't right for me anymore and frankly I don't know that I would feel okay with another year down here. Its time to be moving along.
I'm not certain that I'm ready to be nailed to a location. I like the idea of eventually settling in New England, but for now I'm not going to say anything about definitely being anywhere, because it doesn't suit me and for the most part it never turns out that way. And that's okay. I'm okay with some uncertainty, sure I'd love to plan it all out and stick to the blueprints but I've got to know by now that I can roll with the punches in a way that few people can and that assures me that I'll probably be able to get by.
In thinking about it - last year I was beat down in a way I didn't know that I could ever bounce back from. I was shit out of luck in so many ways, but I managed to. Sure, I'm still a little bitter. Yes, I would rather that not have happened to me, but I'm better off for it at least I think so right now. I'm not in a PhD program I'd probably rather not be in, I'm not stuck in a track for another five years. Instead I'm free to change my mind every other day, as I always have, without being confined to a place, program, whatever. I know that's something I need and there's something to be said for that.
You know what? Confidence is key and I've realized that fuck it. I can do whatever the hell I want to. I don't have anything to hold me down, the world is my proverbial oyster and I'm ready for whatever shit my daily shit show throws at me. No I'm not depressed. No I'm not going to constantly question what it is that I do.
What it is that I do. I'm not quite sure what that is, or what that will be and I think at some point in my life, and why not now, I'm going to have to admit to myself that I'm probably never going to be satisfied with my present position and that I'm probably never going to know what I want to do. I'll probably change my career a dozen times, I'll probably go in and out of phases and that should be enough for me to know. On some level, I think I'm okay with that. I've learned something about myself through the years: that no matter the situation, I'm not afraid to say that it isn't right for me. I'm not afraid to change.
So I made a mistake. So Virginia sucks and DC isn't everything I would have hoped for it to be. So what? So the job isn't everything I hoped it would be. So what? I'm done thinking about it, being sorry for it. Its a year in a life and I don't need to apologize for it. I know I've done something that few people would ever do. I packed up and moved to a place where I didn't know anyone, I didn't have any family, for an opportunity. And it was just that - an opportunity. But it isn't right for me anymore and frankly I don't know that I would feel okay with another year down here. Its time to be moving along.
I'm not certain that I'm ready to be nailed to a location. I like the idea of eventually settling in New England, but for now I'm not going to say anything about definitely being anywhere, because it doesn't suit me and for the most part it never turns out that way. And that's okay. I'm okay with some uncertainty, sure I'd love to plan it all out and stick to the blueprints but I've got to know by now that I can roll with the punches in a way that few people can and that assures me that I'll probably be able to get by.
In thinking about it - last year I was beat down in a way I didn't know that I could ever bounce back from. I was shit out of luck in so many ways, but I managed to. Sure, I'm still a little bitter. Yes, I would rather that not have happened to me, but I'm better off for it at least I think so right now. I'm not in a PhD program I'd probably rather not be in, I'm not stuck in a track for another five years. Instead I'm free to change my mind every other day, as I always have, without being confined to a place, program, whatever. I know that's something I need and there's something to be said for that.