(no subject)
I know I'm just looking for serenity. Searching for some piece in the words I've written and the words I read. I'm always hoping that one day, I'll find the right words that say the right thing that make sense in my life. There are times when of course this happens; it happens rarely though, and I want it more than I know for someone to think and feel the same thing. The Human Experience they call it.
But then again, maybe I don't. I don't like when people do the same things as me, and like the same things. Somehow, I feel like they're stepping on my toes when I just want to run. I like to think of myself as an original, an individual and whatever other high school cliches I can come up with. I know really, that nothing is original. Everything has been thought of before. Everything has been made before. Its ultimately about whether someone recognizes that something and elevates it to the status of "cool" or "important" that people begin to take notice.
I'm trying immeasurably hard to take a step back from my situations these days and realize that its not all about the situation. It isn't all about the people that I find myself with on these strange journey. Its got to be about me. Its got to be about what I want and if its not, then what's the point. Sure, this all sounds relatively self absorbed, and it is. I don't want to say that I'm doing this, that I AM, for any other reason than for myself, its got to be that way.
Maybe I should give more of myself to the community, maybe I should be a better friend, maybe I should concentrate more on the needs of others, but I can't right now. I can't bring myself to want what others want, or do what others do. Because I think its lame. Because I think its unoriginal. But there I find myself in yet another paradigm, paradox, whatever, trying to rationalize being different.
Am I different? Well of course not. Realistically there are probably many other people just like me, with whom I share similar character traits, interests, and hobbies. We probably wouldn't get along. Everytime I find someone like me, I note that I don't really like them. I don't really like them because there is someone else that found the same music, clothes, heroes and I want to be an original. I realize that this is impossible, and yet I still try.
I don't really know why I'm hung up on this topic today. I'm wanting to figure out why I think its so important to stand out, to be something different, to be apart from what I am, but I'm having problems doing so. I'm having problems with a lot of things and I'm trying to make it all work.
But then again, maybe I don't. I don't like when people do the same things as me, and like the same things. Somehow, I feel like they're stepping on my toes when I just want to run. I like to think of myself as an original, an individual and whatever other high school cliches I can come up with. I know really, that nothing is original. Everything has been thought of before. Everything has been made before. Its ultimately about whether someone recognizes that something and elevates it to the status of "cool" or "important" that people begin to take notice.
I'm trying immeasurably hard to take a step back from my situations these days and realize that its not all about the situation. It isn't all about the people that I find myself with on these strange journey. Its got to be about me. Its got to be about what I want and if its not, then what's the point. Sure, this all sounds relatively self absorbed, and it is. I don't want to say that I'm doing this, that I AM, for any other reason than for myself, its got to be that way.
Maybe I should give more of myself to the community, maybe I should be a better friend, maybe I should concentrate more on the needs of others, but I can't right now. I can't bring myself to want what others want, or do what others do. Because I think its lame. Because I think its unoriginal. But there I find myself in yet another paradigm, paradox, whatever, trying to rationalize being different.
Am I different? Well of course not. Realistically there are probably many other people just like me, with whom I share similar character traits, interests, and hobbies. We probably wouldn't get along. Everytime I find someone like me, I note that I don't really like them. I don't really like them because there is someone else that found the same music, clothes, heroes and I want to be an original. I realize that this is impossible, and yet I still try.
I don't really know why I'm hung up on this topic today. I'm wanting to figure out why I think its so important to stand out, to be something different, to be apart from what I am, but I'm having problems doing so. I'm having problems with a lot of things and I'm trying to make it all work.