I've made a lot of mistakes...
Been a while, I'm not going to lie. Everytime I look at someone else's livejournal it makes me want to write. But I have no idea what to say, or where to begin. Where do my entries ever go? It seems that they always take a turn for the bitter and angry side of my life. What is the point of livejournal if not to bitch to my hearts content.
I'm restless. I keep on looking out the window of the rat lab hoping to see rain, so that I may justify spending endless hours wallowing away in a flourescent lighted room. Everytime I hope to see flurries or gray clouds or anything that may convince me of my place indoors. I don't want to be indoors anymore. I feel like launching myself into a snow bank in my back yard and sitting there for hours to see how numb I can get. I sometimes want to make my whole body feel what my brain feels. I just feel nothing. I keep going about my day to day hoping that tomorrow I will warrant a better hand of cards. Its always the same.
I haven't been depressed as of late. I feel remarkably accomplished, working on completing my second 4.0 in a row (hopefully I get an A in my business seminar I loathed), writing my UTRA and working on a feature piece for POST. And yet, it all feels strangely superficial. I'm trying to hype myself up about next semester. I'm trying to do my best to give myself a little leeway in the course selection, but gear it towards specific interests. I'm thinking about taking American Popular Culture Abroad (actually I'm definitely taking this), Market Research, History of the Holocaust, senior honors seminar, andd the Literature of Luxury in America. I can't even believe I'm considering an english class. But you know, its got Fitzgerald, and that's what I'm about.
I'm hoping sometime soon I cease to feel fat. I can't help but look in the mirror and dislike what I see. I know I could be cute. I used to be cute, that was a while ago though. I'm trying to do better things for myself, like drinking a lot of water and tea, but I can never see past the day. I just don't think I will ever be who I want to be. I don't even really know who that is.
I try to think if business school is the right track for me. I'll hand it to myself, I'm damn good at it. I understand all of what I learn, even the financial element, but I just can't see myself ever getting hired. I want someone to give a damn about what I'm interested in. I want someone to question my decisions and make me wonder what I'm doing it all for. I don't think I'll ever know.
This semester is going to be interesting, I think.
I'm restless. I keep on looking out the window of the rat lab hoping to see rain, so that I may justify spending endless hours wallowing away in a flourescent lighted room. Everytime I hope to see flurries or gray clouds or anything that may convince me of my place indoors. I don't want to be indoors anymore. I feel like launching myself into a snow bank in my back yard and sitting there for hours to see how numb I can get. I sometimes want to make my whole body feel what my brain feels. I just feel nothing. I keep going about my day to day hoping that tomorrow I will warrant a better hand of cards. Its always the same.
I haven't been depressed as of late. I feel remarkably accomplished, working on completing my second 4.0 in a row (hopefully I get an A in my business seminar I loathed), writing my UTRA and working on a feature piece for POST. And yet, it all feels strangely superficial. I'm trying to hype myself up about next semester. I'm trying to do my best to give myself a little leeway in the course selection, but gear it towards specific interests. I'm thinking about taking American Popular Culture Abroad (actually I'm definitely taking this), Market Research, History of the Holocaust, senior honors seminar, andd the Literature of Luxury in America. I can't even believe I'm considering an english class. But you know, its got Fitzgerald, and that's what I'm about.
I'm hoping sometime soon I cease to feel fat. I can't help but look in the mirror and dislike what I see. I know I could be cute. I used to be cute, that was a while ago though. I'm trying to do better things for myself, like drinking a lot of water and tea, but I can never see past the day. I just don't think I will ever be who I want to be. I don't even really know who that is.
I try to think if business school is the right track for me. I'll hand it to myself, I'm damn good at it. I understand all of what I learn, even the financial element, but I just can't see myself ever getting hired. I want someone to give a damn about what I'm interested in. I want someone to question my decisions and make me wonder what I'm doing it all for. I don't think I'll ever know.
This semester is going to be interesting, I think.