Don't You Fucking Know What You Are?
So I'm going to update this stupid thing. I've got nothing else to turn to except written word. I haven't got the voice to say what I feel half the time. I got back from the Nine Inch Nails concert last night feeling like I had been run down by a truck emotionally. I felt battered, bruised, angry, sad, mad, horny you name it, I was there. I realized that everytime I go I feel something incredibly different. Last time, I think because Matt was going to Germany, I felt incredibly sad. Last night, I spent half the concert feeling bitterly angry at certain things I don't feel are best mentioned in a livejournal. Suffice it to say I think I was pissed about knowing someone, but not knowing them, sharing a portion of your soul and getting a "Yeah," in return. The rest of the concert I spent being sad and regretting my life's course.
I tried to explain it to Carrie, and while I think I did a decent job trying to decode my thoughts, its just not all of it. I was right in saying that I feel like I've sold out at twenty years old. I can try to embellish upon that point. So I went into school idealistic. I went to school feeling like the world was my oyster and that nothing could stop me (oh nine inch nails puns how you come in remarkably handy). I wanted to be a music major, I wanted to explore sound and feel the way I only feel when I am surrounded by something that moves me so profoundly. Then I decided maybe that wasn't for me, that there was really no money in music and ultimately I have to make some money to pay back my loans. It was something best kept to a hobby. Alright, then I decided I was going to be a History or American Civilization Professor, which was noble, and even though I wasn't going to make much money I still felt it was what I really wanted to do. Soon I realized that that was not enough money even to maintain the type of lifestyle I think I want. Now I'm a business major. I'm going to go to Business School, I'm going to get a job in Marketing, I'm going to have a 401k, and a mutual fund, and a business suit and brief case and I'm going to know what it means when someone mentions the dow jones industrial average in relation to consumer products and the GDP.
Who the fuck am I?
It was in the simple phrase, "After everything I've done, I hate myself for what I've become." I had to break down. I just started crying. Its true. I fucking hate that I haven't even made it past twenty and I am a sell out. Might as well hand me my fucking cubicle. That's all there is for me. "God money I'd do anything for you. God money just tell me what you want me to." Like I can't get past the fact that I will be paying back loans for the rest of my life. I will never dig myself out of debt, and then I realize there are no other options. Business is the only option. And maybe not, but sometimes I like business. I am passionate about that jackass crap. I like to know I've got my fingers in something that I know I would be good at.
I just feel regretful. I feel like I'm missing out on everything. That I have no idea how to make things work for myself. And then I see Trent Reznor, doing what he obviously loves and I feel like a complete tool. I feel like I'm just giving in, that I'm settling. I gave up. I fucking gave up.
I have more to write about. I just will try to find time later on today. I have to do work or else I will never figure out anything outside of Latino's Inc.
I tried to explain it to Carrie, and while I think I did a decent job trying to decode my thoughts, its just not all of it. I was right in saying that I feel like I've sold out at twenty years old. I can try to embellish upon that point. So I went into school idealistic. I went to school feeling like the world was my oyster and that nothing could stop me (oh nine inch nails puns how you come in remarkably handy). I wanted to be a music major, I wanted to explore sound and feel the way I only feel when I am surrounded by something that moves me so profoundly. Then I decided maybe that wasn't for me, that there was really no money in music and ultimately I have to make some money to pay back my loans. It was something best kept to a hobby. Alright, then I decided I was going to be a History or American Civilization Professor, which was noble, and even though I wasn't going to make much money I still felt it was what I really wanted to do. Soon I realized that that was not enough money even to maintain the type of lifestyle I think I want. Now I'm a business major. I'm going to go to Business School, I'm going to get a job in Marketing, I'm going to have a 401k, and a mutual fund, and a business suit and brief case and I'm going to know what it means when someone mentions the dow jones industrial average in relation to consumer products and the GDP.
Who the fuck am I?
It was in the simple phrase, "After everything I've done, I hate myself for what I've become." I had to break down. I just started crying. Its true. I fucking hate that I haven't even made it past twenty and I am a sell out. Might as well hand me my fucking cubicle. That's all there is for me. "God money I'd do anything for you. God money just tell me what you want me to." Like I can't get past the fact that I will be paying back loans for the rest of my life. I will never dig myself out of debt, and then I realize there are no other options. Business is the only option. And maybe not, but sometimes I like business. I am passionate about that jackass crap. I like to know I've got my fingers in something that I know I would be good at.
I just feel regretful. I feel like I'm missing out on everything. That I have no idea how to make things work for myself. And then I see Trent Reznor, doing what he obviously loves and I feel like a complete tool. I feel like I'm just giving in, that I'm settling. I gave up. I fucking gave up.
I have more to write about. I just will try to find time later on today. I have to do work or else I will never figure out anything outside of Latino's Inc.