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[mindy_lou]

 I was awake for 10 hours since Friday afternoon.   A little tired perhaps?   SO not ready for another week of work.  Nor am I ready for the 3 other doctors appointments I have besides physical therapy.  How come taking care of yourself has to take up so much energy?  That's why its so much easier to just say fuck it all to hell.   

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[mindy_lou]

Yes, she's back, but still slightly distracted because she has another set of her acupuncture boards to take on Sat. But, I'm trying to let my student teacher take the responsibility for what's happening, experience what its like to be shortstaffed and/or working with subs, and know when she needs to ask me for help. She's at the point of taking over the classroom full time so these are experiences she needs to have. Thankfully I was able to stay off my foot all weekend and was on it as minimally as possible today. Frustrated, its cold and rainy which never helps, but I saw my kiddos and sometimes that's all it takes to help me feel better.

I wasn't able to see Lori and the kids since her kids were sick, and really, I need time with her and the kids as well as Nikki if I can, to be at my best functioning. I went out to dinner with Tim's mom last night which was good. And thankfully by the time I woke up this morning, I felt the most rested I have in a long time.

I'm getting beyond nervous and scared about my surgery and what the next 9 mos to a year is going to look like for me. I'm trying not to let my anticipatory anxiety get the best of me, but its really really hard not to.

I have some major flashback/trauma work I need to do with Rebecca, and I feel so guarded right (and without resources ) that I'm not sure if I'll be able to go there with her. I shared the spoon theory with her per her request and she was fascinated. I'm trying to stay positive, hopeful. Draw strength and energy from others that love me without depleting their resources. I try to trust that they will be able to set their own boundaries, but its hard Penny. Oh so hard.