Memory Meme
Almost forgot this. Gacked from oko_chan:
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished,post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about ( Read more... )
If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -- good or bad. When you're finished,post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about ( Read more... )
Fangirl #1 (has Marc is #1 painted across her forehead in orange): Yeah, the first time I saw BTG live was when they did their summer campus tour across the US. I saw them at Penn Sate and it was CRAZY! *laughs* I didn't even know who they were, but the fandom thing catches on quickly and before I knew it, I was vying for their touch...
Fangirl #2: I saw them when they came to UCLA. It was the best thing I've ever been to. I guess you can say that since that time, I've been a BTG groupie. I even have Andy's autograph and a lock of Marc's hair!
(news footage is shown of Marc, his head in bandages, blood all over, and sirens in the background)
Heuck: Yeah, the bitch pulled off part of my scalp. *shudders* I never expected one of them to do that... Twenty seven stitches to my head. I sure hope she liked seeing those ten episodes with my head all in bandages...
(footage from one of Marc's injured head episodes)
Fangirl #3: I knew this girl once, and she was only 12 and she was OBSESSED with Paul! She tried shaving off one of his side burns...
Paul Goebel: My family is pretty understanding about all this. Hell, my wife is all about the three somes...oh wait. *scratches head* What was the question again?
van Straaten: ...and it didn't help when Andy formed a chemical dependency to pretzels...
(footage of Andy, flipping out during one of the geek showdowns)
Zax: *looks down* Chips? *makes a face, J. Keith and Paul, whose geek off this is, turn around and give him a dirty look* CHIPS? *throws bowl on the ground* WHERE THE FUCK are my PRETZELS? *hair frizzes up and Marc, sitting next to him, tries to comfort him. Andy proceeds to dump his can of Sprite over Marc's head. Security comes in and they give Andy a tranquilizer shot*
Zax: yeah, it was a pretty f*cked up time for me.
Bolton: And it started with the Sprite, too.
Gabe Koerner: I used to get the shakes ALL THE TIME. It was crazy. My wife thought I was insane, and for awhile I was. Who started me on Sprite? I'd have to say it was Andy.
Zax: You know, that little shit blames me for everything. Rumour has it he might not be back for season seven if he doesn't stop badmouthing me...
Koerner: You know what his problem is now? He wants me. I know it.
Zax: No, I want him dead.
Voiceover: and thus the rumours started.
**tabloid footage: Zax Kills Star Trek Geek
Bolton's Secret Love Child with "Music Geek"
Zax Held Up In LA Home, Battling Pretzel Addictions
Rehab: Yay or Nay? Victims of Sprite Addictions Come Clean (featuring BTG's Andy Zax)
Heuck: Man or Machine?
Goebel Gave Birth to 700 lb. Baby
**
Heuck: I can't believe that crap. I mean everyone knows Tiffany had my... oh, waitaminute...
van Straaten: We're lucky there aren't more paternity suits, or statutory rape ones, with all of the underage girls going back there. I mean, guys, I like to get some too, but remember to proof them first! Then there are the gay rumors. Someone's always saying that two of us guys are getting it on. I have so many gay men coming up to me, asking me out, because of those.
Goebel: Oh, yeah, the gay rumors. We have people who are always saying that we're all about the Geek Love, you know, but they think we take it a little too literally. Although, there was that footage of Marc and Andy once...
(footage is shown from a security camera of a naked Marc and Andy, surrounded by boxes of pretzels and cases of Sprite, doing things we can't mention in a family LJ while getting high off the Sprite and pretzels)
Zax: That was so not true. I think Koerner got some guys in production to doctor some footage, that little piece of crap. Or maybe it was Jolley. He's been out to get me ever since I got the job over him, and the chicks and the food. (peers around a corner, as if expecting to see Michael Jolley)
Reply
van Straaten: It got really bad after Michael rigged the sound system in Andy's dressing room to only play "Who Let The Dogs Out?" and "To All The Girls I Loved Before". After that, Andy refused to let anyone who wasn't one of us into his room without security strip searching them, and made sure security checked his room out first as well. Hey, at least we got a good view of the search process, and at least his room got cleaned on a regular basis.
Bolton: The feuds between Geeks got really bad, too. They would fight over such trivial things...
*footage of Paul and Andy fist fighting after too many pretzels and too much Sprite*
Goebel: What is it, man? You think you're so tough cause you've slept with Marc? Well, buddy, I've got news for you! He's the biggest slut this side of the Mississippi.
Zax: FOR THE TWENTIETH TIME, I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH MARC! *Andy punches Paul in the jaw*
Heuck *confused*: I'm a slut?! I'M A SLUT? What about HER? *points to Tiffany, then turns to Andy.* I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!! *Marc cries*
Bolton: Don't drag ME into this, Heuck. If I had a dollar for every one you've slept with, and I have more than that; I'm sure you've heard about the bet I have with J. Keith, I would be a millionaire! And I AM.
*Marc bitch slaps Tiffany, who in return grabs his hair and tries to yank it out. Soon all three Geeks plus Bolton are battling it out in what appears to be a mess of Sprite, pretzels, and hair. J. Keith runs in and tries to break it up, but he is pushed away by Paul, only after being punched in the nose several times. Blood runs down his face and he is knocked unconscious*
van Straaten: ...and that's when I had my first nose job. *pats nose* You-you think it looks ok, right?
Voiceover: van Straaten wasn't the only cast member to indulge in plastic surgery.
Bolton: Well, you know I have to maintain my good looks... (Bolton primps in the mirror, revealing to the audience a startling resemblance to Joan Rivers)
Heuck: I can understand Tiff getting the boob job, although literally turning her cleavage into "huge tracts of land" a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail was a little too much. Still, I can't complain too much, since I don't even have to bend down now to rest my head on her breasts.
Zax: Then Paul got the liposuction...
Goebel: Hey, I have to maintain my svelte figure! I have my image to think of! Besides, you got it first,after you balooned from eating all of the pretzels and chugging down cases of Sprite each day.
(Goebel and Zax start catfighting in the background. Meanwhile, Heuck is checking out his wild mane of curls in the mirror.)
Heuck: Do you think my hair plugs look natural? I had to get them to replace the hair that psycho tore out. I mean, the girls all love my hair, and I can't disappoint them.
Bolton: You mean the guys all love it. Didn't one of them pull some out while you were on your knees...
Heuck: THAT'S ENOUGH, YOU TRAMP! STOP SAYING I SCREW GUYS!
Bolton: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TRAMP, WHORE?!?!?
(Bolton and Heuck start catfighting as well. In the process, Heuck's Geek robe is ripped off, revealing a corset, garter belt, panties, fishnets, and high heels underneath.)
van Straaten, sighing: Great. That's going in the tabloids as well, again. Ever since fans saw him in the fishnets and heels because of that stupid bet he had with Tiffany and raved about how much they loved it, he'll every so often go all out in full "Lady Marmalade"/Dr. Frank N. Furter gear. You don't want to know what freaky stuff goes on in his dressing room afterwards.
(Zax catches sight of Heuck and stops fighting. He goes over and drags Heuck away from Bolton.)
Zax, shrieking: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WEARING THAT HERE?!? YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULD ONLY WEAR THAT WHEN YOU'RE AT MY PLACE!
(The rest of the room turn their heads towards Heuck, then stare at Zax, then stare again at Heuck.)
Heuck: What?!? I'm only going over there for Rocky Horror lessons...
(Heuck proceeds to put his robe back on and sits primly down while the rest of the cast, save Zax, mutter "Yeah, right.")
Reply
Ben Stein: They were such a nice lot at first. I was so happy to have them on my show. They were very humble then, especially Marc, who had lost on my show before. Now? Good god. I try to avoid their dressing room area, for fear of what I might find, considering all of the sex and wild partying. Plus, every time Paul sees me, he calls me "Pip", from the character I voiced on Animaniacs. Marc, meanwhile, just has to quote me from Ferris Bueller. They know that pisses me off, the assholes, but they don't care. They think they run the lot. The damned Geek Mafia. I've heard rumors about what happens if you speak out against them. (He shrugs.) I worked for fuckin' Nixon. I'm not scared of a bunch of Geeks.
Voiceover: Tragically, just a few days after he taped that bit, Ben Stein was found dead, dressed as a Roman centurion, outside a gay bar. Police are still investigating.
Voiceover: Other people who offended cast members disappeared or died mysteriously as well. After the first season of Beat the Geeks, the producers decided to replace van Straaten as the host. One by one, every new host that they hired mysteriously vanished before he even got on the air. All records of who each host was were even completely erased or destroyed around the same time, as if the host never existed at all. Taping of the second season was repeatedly delayed by this, as the producers kept refusing to rehire van Straaten. Finally, the producers themselves were replaced, van Straaten was rehired, and the show went on to more success.
van Straaten: You know, it's funny how those pictures of the producers molesting farm animals along with the network execs involved in scheduling Beat the Geeks just happened to turn up around that time.
Voiceover: The Geek Mafia, as they began to be known, became more and more powerful. Eventually, they controlled all aspects of the show, as well as the studio they shot at. They even had some leverage over The Network as a whole.
Jimmy Kimmel: So, the Geeks contacted us, saying they wanted us to send over the Juggies, our trampoline, and large quantities of whipped cream, chocolate syrup, cherries, and nuts. OK, so I can understand why they wanted all of that...
Adam Carolla, interrupting: Heck, yeah! It's a lot of fun, making Juggy Sundaes.
Kimmel, shushing Carolla: But there was no way we were sending them our ladies. Then, they showed up late one night. (He shudders) It was horrible. I can't even begin to describe what they did. In the end, they got what they wanted.
Carolla: I still have nightmares about cheap polyester choir robes and being beaten like a redheaded stepchild with those medals.
Jon Stewart: I thought we were safe, since we're all the way across the country. Besides, they're Geeks, right? A lot of our staff are geeks, so when we heard the stories coming out of LA, we just dismissed them. Then, they wanted on the show. We said, sure, since they're popular. (snorts) Boy, that was a mistake.
(Footage is shown of the Geeks on The Daily Show, groping the female correspondants and giving the male ones wedgies and noogies)
Stewart: They knew just how to torment us, probably because they also got the same treatment back in school. It was horrible... so, so horrible... (Stewart breaks down in tears. After a few moments, he collects himself.) The worst part was that they stole my stash. That was primo stuff, dude.
Zax: Hey, we didn't use any of it. We just appropriated it for a better purpose.
Heuck: Yes, like bribing Jolley to keep his mouth shut about...
(Zax covers up Heuck's mouth quickly.)
Zax: Oh, by the way, we do get to see this before it airs, right?
Reply
(A selection of Beat the Geeks merchandising is shown displayed on a table, including t-shirts, jackets, mugs, mouse pads, key chains, caps, replica robes and medals, replica Converse sneakers, books, videos, dolls, posters, swimsuit calendars, and women's lingerie.)
van Straaten: The money's been pretty good from all of the merchandising. Some folks were hesitant about all of it, especially when extra-special, private, exclusive home video footage came out. (Boxes of homemade porn featuring Tiffany and the Geeks, not necessarily together, are shown.) However, once the bucks started rolling in from them, everyone was pretty happy.
Voiceover: But it didn't end there. Soon, Beat The Geeks had taken over the entire network...
Trey Parker, co-creator of South Park: At first we were like 'ok, yeah, cool' about the rampant success of the show, but when the Comedy Central execs told us to write the Geeks into OUR show? (shakes head) That was going a bit too far, in my opinion. But still, we were nice guys, and we said 'hey, fine' and just did it, to shut everyone up...
Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park: We figured one guest appearance would be fine; I mean, pretty much everyone's been featured on South Park at one point in time or another, so this was really no big deal. But then we were told to write the Geeks in more and more, until finally they had taken over the entire f*cking show! I mean, we put our foot down when the newest South Park catch phrase was 'Hey, you killed Jolley; you bastard!' It was too much.
Voiceover: Sadly, Parker and Stone have been out of a job for months, unemployed after a falling out with Comedy Central over what direction South Park took.
Goebel, munching on some pretzels: They asked for it, though! (evil cackle, spitting crumbs everywhere) We didn't ask for much; just a permanant spot on the show! I mean, that's not asking a lot. I, of course, make a wonderful Chef, in my humble opinion...
Heuck, sighing: Yeah, but did they have to make ME Mr. Garrison? Why do *I* get the rep as the pervert?
(van Straaten rips of Heuck's robe, exposing a leather catsuit, spiked collar, thigh-high boots, and a whip strapped to his thigh.)
van Straaten: That's why, you sicko.
Heuck: To each, his own.
(Heuck quickly covers himself up and stalks off to go find and dominate Zax)
van Straaten, sighing wistfully: It wasn't always like this, you know...
Reply
And it's in several comments, just like the original that we wrote in Moviegeeked! (headdesk)
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment