The reason for last week's sorrow

May 10, 2005 14:47

I was having a difficult time last week. Specifically, Friday was a little crappy. I didn't get to explain why at work, so I'm posting it here.

I began to consider my previous personal LJ entry: "God has already made a rock that even he can not life. It is Man." This was originally posted without believing it, but I began to analyze it recently.

The way that I fell about my fiance, Naomi, is that we are Yin and Yang. We are opposites, however we carry a circle of the opposite. We are a uniformity that equals balance - and maybe from this, perfection. It is also a healthy, growing relationship because I know that what I do for her is love. However, I was always brought up to believe that God is my master, not my equal. But I was also tought that God is the ultimate love. How can He be the ultimate love and not see me as his equal?

Then I started asking myself if God is my master, and He did in some way love me, then if He let me go, and I came back to Him, that would show Him that I love Him back. He had to give me the choice to come back for the love to be mutual. Like a parent, he staged something to give us choice.

Which means at one point, God made the decision to create me without choice. But because He decided to test if I would come back to Him, he had to give that choice to me. So God can be my equal, with mutual love, and dominating over me at the same time.

But He could be even something more than this. Not everything is black and white - Yin and Yang share each other too - I will refer to this as a "gray area". God is not just everything and nothing, but he his the square root of 2. His is an imaginary number. God is imaginary.

God exists because He is in my mind. And that depressed the hell out of me.

It wasn't until the weekend that I had reanalyzed again. If God is imaginary (among other things, of course), and God is love (again, among other things), then love is imaginary, right? No, I couldn't see it this way. The love that I have for Naomi is a balance that is something more - I do not connect with Naomi like a dominating man, where we are equal but at the same time, not equal. We ARE equal - and that is why I love her. And I do not feel this connection with anything else on this earth. And that means that love is imaginary, even though it is is indeed, partly unimagineable. I can not exist without God, and God can not exist without me. And He can not love me unless I love Him back. I will always love Him, because that is our balance.

Now I start questioning, if this is a balance, how can he still be my master too? Because if I begin to love Him less, he will have to love me more to maintain balance. And I'm OK with a master that can love me when I am at my lowest.

So, I pose this question. Will we ever turn our back completely to God? Will science ever make God unnecessary? And if we ever will get to the point that we know everything about our universe, will we ever get to the point where we will need to know more?
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