(no subject)
I'm pressuring myself for the outcomes I can not clearly see.
Maybe I am a completely different person then I was before, or maybe I've given up on caring on things that seem senseless or like a waste of time, or I've come to terms that some things are just too out of reach, I can handle lower standards, and be on a lower level without being a lowlife myself. Perhaps I've just become rational in most of my thoughts and actions but I'm still a romanticst at heart, maybe nothing ever really changed and everyone's perspectives of me have (but I'm doubting that one.) And perhaps I'm coming to terms that I'm not the good student with milestones of respect and an air for manners. I'm nice, I'm polite, and I've just entered the stage where I've become judgemental- of myself more than others. I work at a ego-smashing job making sandwiches for the impatient homeless and garage mechanics. I try to entertain myself giving these customers excessive amounts of jalapenos and pretending this is something I could really stick my palms into it, but the truth: I hate the smell of deli meat, I'm crushed, but when I'm at work I don't mind it at all, it just bores me. I have all these plans for myself, but my knowledge of myself and my lack of motivation scare me, will I become what I've always dreamed of? A writer/ Barista and someday Coffee Shop Owner, will I continue writing as my block has continued on for months and months? Am I more free spirited without the complications of vulnerability, judgment, relationships, love, fear, anger, sadness? Or do all these things drive me even further towards my goals, towards my passions which are still burning inside but the wax is caving in all around the sides? Have I been impregnated by cyncism? Have I dissapeared? It's always been my biggest fear, both physically and personality-wise, and a week ago I was informed that my personality was gone. Flat, Zero, Nothing, did I listen to a little too much Radiohead or give myself in to something that wasn't myself for much too long? Did I step back into a haze? Because these last several months are mushed together to a looong vacation and every day's the same, except for the beautiful relationship, it changes all the time. It fluxes and move and it ticks and tocks and clocks and changes and ever beautifies but everything else .... I got cramps on time and I'm putting the pressure on myself to get back but half of that is finding myself all over again. I have reminders of who I am, I know the things i often say, I know what I'm known for and I know what I was but things change and things change and things change and I change with it, but no one seems to change much around me. Scenery's still the same, filled with newer strangers to start to know (but where's my sense of foolish trust?) and there- my loneliness pops out ever so often, sometimes admitted and often hidden. I'm a person who had gotten very used to being known, being loved, being surrounded in different social groups and ohmygodachange and i adapt, and i adapt well but some one please something familiar somewhere i've seen before with all the same faces and all, tell me something's still there. Tell me I'm still there. I've given up on questioning matters of existentialism, but all the while it's like a silent long and confused existential crises of the who-the-hell-am-I's? at 17, while trying to maintain a stable mental health and doing well at it for the first time since i can remember.
i wouldnt ever want to dissapear completely.