After The Storm
My birthday was this past weekend and a lot happened. I came to the conclusion that I am not going to try and make the effort make new friends and such. I am beyond disappointment, beyond disgusted and well passed any emotions involving people I know, once knew, or will know.
Most, if not all people would consider me bitter or jaded and maybe I am, but dammit, I cannot help the way I feel. With so many in my life, I can't help but to feel the way I do. Why do I keep giving people chances? I just gave a "friend" of mine some advice about him being a glutton for punishment when it comes to his over-indulged boyfriend, but maybe I am a glutton for punishment as well. Or do I just want to really find that there are actually good people out there. I know everyone has their dark moments (lord knows, I do), but why is that I keep coming into contact with all these empty vapid people!?!
I have made great strides to not allow others to control me and I have done great with that, but for some reason I keep allowing people to treat me badly. The person I temporarily gave "bff" status to has run out of chances with me. For my birthday he send me a text message and that was about it. I saw him out later that night and I was WASTED and according to him, I yelled at him (or something like that). Again, I am tired of not mattering to other people when I make sure they know they matter to me. I am fully content with not speaking to him pretty much ever again.
I just reconnected (I guess) with someone who I mentioned earlier in this entry and because I have been through what I have been with others I question why he chose NOW to finally be a friend or whatever I am to him now. I am sure it wasn't because it was my birthday. No one else really cared, why would he? I mean, he did buy me a really expensive bottle of cologne, but if he really knew me he would have bought me my favorite cheesecake or something as simple as a sincere hug (no one EVER gives heart felt hugs anymore). Don't get me wrong, I am not going to punish him for not knowing me enough to get past my defenses, but again I ask, why now? He and I are suppose to go to lunch or whatnot this coming Friday and I will probably pose my question to him. I don't know how he will take it, but if I am expecting the worst he will probably shut me down and probably rarely speak to me (oh wait, that's how things are now).
I have a few other people in my life that I consider close to me, but in the blueprint in my mind, I do not know where to place them. One is over-whelming, another is distant, and the last one for lack of a better word is "crazy". I say all this with enough love to fill an entire ocean. I don't want any of this to be misconstrued. I care deeply for everyone I have met and allowed into my heart, but I do have to love myself and protect myself from those that tend to bring me down, have motive, or just do bad things in general. I guess only time will tell.
Most, if not all people would consider me bitter or jaded and maybe I am, but dammit, I cannot help the way I feel. With so many in my life, I can't help but to feel the way I do. Why do I keep giving people chances? I just gave a "friend" of mine some advice about him being a glutton for punishment when it comes to his over-indulged boyfriend, but maybe I am a glutton for punishment as well. Or do I just want to really find that there are actually good people out there. I know everyone has their dark moments (lord knows, I do), but why is that I keep coming into contact with all these empty vapid people!?!
I have made great strides to not allow others to control me and I have done great with that, but for some reason I keep allowing people to treat me badly. The person I temporarily gave "bff" status to has run out of chances with me. For my birthday he send me a text message and that was about it. I saw him out later that night and I was WASTED and according to him, I yelled at him (or something like that). Again, I am tired of not mattering to other people when I make sure they know they matter to me. I am fully content with not speaking to him pretty much ever again.
I just reconnected (I guess) with someone who I mentioned earlier in this entry and because I have been through what I have been with others I question why he chose NOW to finally be a friend or whatever I am to him now. I am sure it wasn't because it was my birthday. No one else really cared, why would he? I mean, he did buy me a really expensive bottle of cologne, but if he really knew me he would have bought me my favorite cheesecake or something as simple as a sincere hug (no one EVER gives heart felt hugs anymore). Don't get me wrong, I am not going to punish him for not knowing me enough to get past my defenses, but again I ask, why now? He and I are suppose to go to lunch or whatnot this coming Friday and I will probably pose my question to him. I don't know how he will take it, but if I am expecting the worst he will probably shut me down and probably rarely speak to me (oh wait, that's how things are now).
I have a few other people in my life that I consider close to me, but in the blueprint in my mind, I do not know where to place them. One is over-whelming, another is distant, and the last one for lack of a better word is "crazy". I say all this with enough love to fill an entire ocean. I don't want any of this to be misconstrued. I care deeply for everyone I have met and allowed into my heart, but I do have to love myself and protect myself from those that tend to bring me down, have motive, or just do bad things in general. I guess only time will tell.