Also.. here's a mindfuck: I'm this close to agreeing with Daddy. Read on.
I think there must be a series of light switches being turned on in my life right now and for the past few months. And whether I like it or not, Daddy flipped one of the switches last night…. The one regarding finding a long-term job with income and growth potential. I don’t want to be like everybody else or do what everybody else wants me to do just because they want me to do it. I’ve always been nonconformist (read: stubborn) about that. I have had dreams, plans, ambitions, etc. that I have never been able to follow through on mainly for not knowing how or having a clue how to pursue them. But again last night, he harped on me finding a good job and what am I gonna do when he isn’t here and what will Momma have to do and all that… and again he harped on becoming a Pharmacy Tech. Now, I protested as usual regarding my position on that; but I let my guard down a bit and entertained the idea of making that kind of money and what it could do for me.
Would I be selling out? Would I be less of who I am? Maybe it would be a good change for me. I don’t know. I've been on this roll lately of making blind leaps and quasi life changes. Honestly, it is a pretty easy job and wouldn’t really suck for an above average pay. Is that all I can hope to aspire to? It would allow me more freedom, more chance to live, more chance to love. If I want to have a future and live a full life with a home and somebody to come home to and the rest of that junk and stuff, then I need a stable, good paying job. I can’t depend on anybody else, nor would I want to and get really stuck.
Sigh.
Please ppl, offer comments. I don’t just post this shit to hear myself talk. I need some feedback. I can see positive things on the horizon, and I’m trying to be patient and let them happen in their own time; but deep down I’m just really afraid I will fuck shit up like I always manage to do one way or another. The puzzle pieces are there- but I might need some perspective to fitting them together.
Would I be selling out? Would I be less of who I am? Maybe it would be a good change for me. I don’t know. I've been on this roll lately of making blind leaps and quasi life changes. Honestly, it is a pretty easy job and wouldn’t really suck for an above average pay. Is that all I can hope to aspire to? It would allow me more freedom, more chance to live, more chance to love. If I want to have a future and live a full life with a home and somebody to come home to and the rest of that junk and stuff, then I need a stable, good paying job. I can’t depend on anybody else, nor would I want to and get really stuck.
Sigh.
Please ppl, offer comments. I don’t just post this shit to hear myself talk. I need some feedback. I can see positive things on the horizon, and I’m trying to be patient and let them happen in their own time; but deep down I’m just really afraid I will fuck shit up like I always manage to do one way or another. The puzzle pieces are there- but I might need some perspective to fitting them together.