disclaimer: out of courtesy, please leave out specific details in any potential comments. no drama.
[i don't think there's any other point to this post, other than self-realization, so you'll just have to ignore it if you don't know what's going on, or if you don't care.]
the [apparent] mistake that i made should not be happening to someone else; yet, i feel that it's about to, and in full force. over the course of our conversation, many things were said that i can completely relate to, and her feelings are almost exactly analogous to mine in the matter. i can really only stress the fact that she should be extremely, extremely careful in choosing the direction that this decision will carry her in. for someone so young, she's had way too many fucked-up relationships, and i honestly don't want that to happen to her again. we may not be extremely close, but given the current problem, i feel a little more involved in everything that's been going on for a while. i've advised her to talk to everyone involved, and that's the best she can do, given the circumstances. this situation needs to be carefully dealt with, or it will invariably turn into something large and nasty, and that's definitely not good.
i just tend to want the best for everyone lately...and i'm not sure if that's good or bad. things seem to have millions of layers all of a sudden; human emotion seems more complex, even though it seems to be simple and petty on the surface. problems that sound so stupid when they don't directly relate to you, or people close to you, are completely re-defined when they actually occur personally. i've learned lately to pay more attention to details, especially taking care to analyze things from a personal point of view. because, even though being disconnected and impersonal leaves you unaffected by the situation, it's also harder to determine the correct action to take in dealing with it. if you don't know the person(s) you're shelling out advice to (or at least attempting to), there's no way to fully comprehend the problems involved and the consequences of your recommended actions. one has to be extremely careful in dealing with emotional situations such as this, if they don't want it to blow out of proportion.
my only real goal at the moment is to make sure that others don't get hurt as much as i have; everything else i've tried to be blindly apathetic about. i know for a fact that i shouldn't have let things affect me as deeply as they did, but they did, and there's no changing that. if you asked me, i couldn't give you a straight answer as to why everything got so heavy, but the fact that it did scares me. no one really knows the extent of the emotional anguish i've been put through (by nobody except myself, mind you; no blame can be misdirected here without being hypocritical). after that whole fiasco, i simply want everyone to have a more clarified view on the way peoples' minds work, and how to handle things such as this. and, granted, i'm not an expert in any way, shape, or form, on matters of emotional affairs--and i'm well, well aware of this--but i do try my best to help people, even though i tend to fuck myself over on a regular basis. if things can't be perfect for me, i would, at the very least, like for things to go well for everyone else. in the meantime, i can only hope that while i get wrapped up in everything else, something amazing will come out of nowhere and surprise me. that's really all i've got...it's not apathy, but it's close. ignore everything until something happens: wait for it to come to you. selfish, but efficient. and, actually, it's not that selfish...i just don't want to make any jumps at anything else concerning relationships unless i'm absolutely sure about everything. i'm aware that this will probably make me seem emotionally unavailable, but if someone can get through that metaphorical wall and realize that i honestly just want something to not go wrong for a change, that will be the perfect relationship. i don't expect that to happen anytime soon , but shit, i'm not psychic. all i can really do is wait...and, even though i'm an impatient person, i need to do my best on this to keep up hope for the future of things. i don't enjoy being depressed, and i even more dislike being apathetic, but comfortable numbness is presumably better than seeing the person you're pathetically still fawning over every day, and then bursting into silent tears the minute they're out of sight.
i absolutely loathe crying...i don't like the feeling of petty weakness and lack of control that it brings with it. yes, it's ok to cry sometimes, but...it's not good to do it too much; you lose sight of things in their true perspective. overwhelming sense of failure tends to dull the fact that, hey--it's not the damn end of the world. but, fuck, that's what it feels like all the time. however, coming to this realization, i know that i can get over this. i just wish certain people would be a little more sensitive to what they say to--and around--me. hearing someone talk about your former sex life while being fully aware that you're in the room and involved in the conversation is not my concept of 'getting over' something; it's just fucking inconsiderate, especially when you know that person is having an extremely hard time of trying to get over the end of that relationship. i always feel guilty for getting angry or hurt when something like that is mentioned so nonchalantly, but i don't think i should. it just doesn't seem right to me that a person should be ok with making light of something so personal, at least not this soon after its demise. let the wound heal, or at least form a hefty scab, before you start picking at it--it hurts far less than scratching at an open cut (mm, medical metaphors...?). i know that it's over. i accept it. but i don't need to be reminded of the fact that it's not affecting the other person nearly as deeply as it's affecting me.
uh...given that this post has gone in way too many directions, i think i'm going to give up on it; lately it seems like all i've been doing is moping over something that's over and done with...but it's a process of overcoming it, really. and that's, um...really all i've got. yep.
i need 1) a shower 2) an 'off' switch installed in the analytical part of my brain...goddamn.
granted...all of this could have something to do with the after-effects of the dramamine last night. i don't think it really changed or worsened how i was feeling; it just enhanced the train of thought and gave it some different tracks...fuck, i need to quit using clichéd metaphors.
(fín)
the [apparent] mistake that i made should not be happening to someone else; yet, i feel that it's about to, and in full force. over the course of our conversation, many things were said that i can completely relate to, and her feelings are almost exactly analogous to mine in the matter. i can really only stress the fact that she should be extremely, extremely careful in choosing the direction that this decision will carry her in. for someone so young, she's had way too many fucked-up relationships, and i honestly don't want that to happen to her again. we may not be extremely close, but given the current problem, i feel a little more involved in everything that's been going on for a while. i've advised her to talk to everyone involved, and that's the best she can do, given the circumstances. this situation needs to be carefully dealt with, or it will invariably turn into something large and nasty, and that's definitely not good.
i just tend to want the best for everyone lately...and i'm not sure if that's good or bad. things seem to have millions of layers all of a sudden; human emotion seems more complex, even though it seems to be simple and petty on the surface. problems that sound so stupid when they don't directly relate to you, or people close to you, are completely re-defined when they actually occur personally. i've learned lately to pay more attention to details, especially taking care to analyze things from a personal point of view. because, even though being disconnected and impersonal leaves you unaffected by the situation, it's also harder to determine the correct action to take in dealing with it. if you don't know the person(s) you're shelling out advice to (or at least attempting to), there's no way to fully comprehend the problems involved and the consequences of your recommended actions. one has to be extremely careful in dealing with emotional situations such as this, if they don't want it to blow out of proportion.
my only real goal at the moment is to make sure that others don't get hurt as much as i have; everything else i've tried to be blindly apathetic about. i know for a fact that i shouldn't have let things affect me as deeply as they did, but they did, and there's no changing that. if you asked me, i couldn't give you a straight answer as to why everything got so heavy, but the fact that it did scares me. no one really knows the extent of the emotional anguish i've been put through (by nobody except myself, mind you; no blame can be misdirected here without being hypocritical). after that whole fiasco, i simply want everyone to have a more clarified view on the way peoples' minds work, and how to handle things such as this. and, granted, i'm not an expert in any way, shape, or form, on matters of emotional affairs--and i'm well, well aware of this--but i do try my best to help people, even though i tend to fuck myself over on a regular basis. if things can't be perfect for me, i would, at the very least, like for things to go well for everyone else. in the meantime, i can only hope that while i get wrapped up in everything else, something amazing will come out of nowhere and surprise me. that's really all i've got...it's not apathy, but it's close. ignore everything until something happens: wait for it to come to you. selfish, but efficient. and, actually, it's not that selfish...i just don't want to make any jumps at anything else concerning relationships unless i'm absolutely sure about everything. i'm aware that this will probably make me seem emotionally unavailable, but if someone can get through that metaphorical wall and realize that i honestly just want something to not go wrong for a change, that will be the perfect relationship. i don't expect that to happen anytime soon , but shit, i'm not psychic. all i can really do is wait...and, even though i'm an impatient person, i need to do my best on this to keep up hope for the future of things. i don't enjoy being depressed, and i even more dislike being apathetic, but comfortable numbness is presumably better than seeing the person you're pathetically still fawning over every day, and then bursting into silent tears the minute they're out of sight.
i absolutely loathe crying...i don't like the feeling of petty weakness and lack of control that it brings with it. yes, it's ok to cry sometimes, but...it's not good to do it too much; you lose sight of things in their true perspective. overwhelming sense of failure tends to dull the fact that, hey--it's not the damn end of the world. but, fuck, that's what it feels like all the time. however, coming to this realization, i know that i can get over this. i just wish certain people would be a little more sensitive to what they say to--and around--me. hearing someone talk about your former sex life while being fully aware that you're in the room and involved in the conversation is not my concept of 'getting over' something; it's just fucking inconsiderate, especially when you know that person is having an extremely hard time of trying to get over the end of that relationship. i always feel guilty for getting angry or hurt when something like that is mentioned so nonchalantly, but i don't think i should. it just doesn't seem right to me that a person should be ok with making light of something so personal, at least not this soon after its demise. let the wound heal, or at least form a hefty scab, before you start picking at it--it hurts far less than scratching at an open cut (mm, medical metaphors...?). i know that it's over. i accept it. but i don't need to be reminded of the fact that it's not affecting the other person nearly as deeply as it's affecting me.
uh...given that this post has gone in way too many directions, i think i'm going to give up on it; lately it seems like all i've been doing is moping over something that's over and done with...but it's a process of overcoming it, really. and that's, um...really all i've got. yep.
i need 1) a shower 2) an 'off' switch installed in the analytical part of my brain...goddamn.
granted...all of this could have something to do with the after-effects of the dramamine last night. i don't think it really changed or worsened how i was feeling; it just enhanced the train of thought and gave it some different tracks...fuck, i need to quit using clichéd metaphors.
(fín)