well, it's over.
in answer to some of your questions regarding my last post (which i deleted...i don't like being a spiteful bitch): yes, jaron and i are no longer going out. at all, this time. no 'break'. it's over. only jaron knows the answer as to why, but i'm not even completely sure he knows why he doesn't feel the way he does. the only thing i can do now is to try and ignore this terrible thing...pretend it never happened. jaron and i both agreed that i started acting differently, and that this might have come into play in changing his feelings for me, without either of us knowing it. so, i'm going to try and be like i was before this relationship started--before that whole 'i-want-to-be-a-better-person-blah-blah-blah' post. no, i'm not saying that i'm going to be a complete fucking douchebag, i'm just...going to be myself. and not for jaron; not for anyone but myself. i've become the person i never wanted to be, lately. yeah, my eyebrows and eyelashes are growing in...but my arm looks like shit. that's a far worse habit than hair-pulling. thankfully, i think it'll be easier to quit, now that there's no question as to the status of our relationship (officially deceased). despite all this, i will always love jaron. i don't blame him for anything, because it's not his fault that he doesn't feel as strongly as i do. and, as much as i try, i can't stay mad at him for more than a few hours at a time (and even then, i feel guilty).
i guess what i'm trying to say is that...i just need to let go. and i know that everyone's been trying to tell me this for about a month now, but i was just aware of it then as i am now; however, no one seems to realize how hard it is for me, personally, to let something like this just dissipate into nothing. once i have a certain routine in my life, it completely fucks me over to have it change, especially as abruptly as this. but...it's over. i realize this, and i'm going to do my best to try and move on.
on that note, i might be moving to chicago. and no one is going to change my mind on this; for one, it's completely out of my control. secondly...i need this. i need change--it's just how i operate. and that sounds contradictory, after reading that part about routines falling apart and blahblahblah, but...once something dies, i can't go back to the same environment, with the same factors, with one of them changed or missing. i can't explain it, but it's logical to me, at least, and that's all the matters. so, uh...deal with it. and it's not like i'm going to sever all ties with anyone here; i'll still have internet and other such means of communication, and i'll put them to use as much as i can. also, keep in mind that this isn't definite, but it's a huge possibility. so relax for now, although i doubt any of you would really miss me that much--i don't exactly have a great social life outside the internet, so it won't be much of a change for you guys.
ahhhh, this is going fucking nowhere...but it's gone far enough.
i guess that's it...so. yeah. mm. ok.
oho, wait, there's more. i have to post the last few verses of this song, because they stick out at me everytime i listen to them, and fucking stab at me. it sucks...but it's also reassuring.
I can't feel you anymore; I can't even touch the books you've read
Every time I crawl past your door, I been wishin' I was somebody else instead.
Down the highway, down the tracks, down the road to ecstasy,
I followed you beneath the stars, hounded by your memory
And all your ragin' glory.
I been double-crossed now for the very last time, and now I'm finally free,
I kissed goodbye the howling beast on the borderline which separated you from me.
You'll never know the hurt I suffered, nor the pain I rise above,
And I'll never know the same about you, your holiness, or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry.
Idiot wind: blowing through the buttons of our coats,
Blowing through the letters that we wrote.
Idiot wind: blowing through the dust upon our shelves,
We are idiots, babe.
It's a wonder we can even feed ourselves.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that...i just need to let go. and i know that everyone's been trying to tell me this for about a month now, but i was just aware of it then as i am now; however, no one seems to realize how hard it is for me, personally, to let something like this just dissipate into nothing. once i have a certain routine in my life, it completely fucks me over to have it change, especially as abruptly as this. but...it's over. i realize this, and i'm going to do my best to try and move on.
on that note, i might be moving to chicago. and no one is going to change my mind on this; for one, it's completely out of my control. secondly...i need this. i need change--it's just how i operate. and that sounds contradictory, after reading that part about routines falling apart and blahblahblah, but...once something dies, i can't go back to the same environment, with the same factors, with one of them changed or missing. i can't explain it, but it's logical to me, at least, and that's all the matters. so, uh...deal with it. and it's not like i'm going to sever all ties with anyone here; i'll still have internet and other such means of communication, and i'll put them to use as much as i can. also, keep in mind that this isn't definite, but it's a huge possibility. so relax for now, although i doubt any of you would really miss me that much--i don't exactly have a great social life outside the internet, so it won't be much of a change for you guys.
ahhhh, this is going fucking nowhere...but it's gone far enough.
i guess that's it...so. yeah. mm. ok.
oho, wait, there's more. i have to post the last few verses of this song, because they stick out at me everytime i listen to them, and fucking stab at me. it sucks...but it's also reassuring.
I can't feel you anymore; I can't even touch the books you've read
Every time I crawl past your door, I been wishin' I was somebody else instead.
Down the highway, down the tracks, down the road to ecstasy,
I followed you beneath the stars, hounded by your memory
And all your ragin' glory.
I been double-crossed now for the very last time, and now I'm finally free,
I kissed goodbye the howling beast on the borderline which separated you from me.
You'll never know the hurt I suffered, nor the pain I rise above,
And I'll never know the same about you, your holiness, or your kind of love,
And it makes me feel so sorry.
Idiot wind: blowing through the buttons of our coats,
Blowing through the letters that we wrote.
Idiot wind: blowing through the dust upon our shelves,
We are idiots, babe.
It's a wonder we can even feed ourselves.