Another sleepless night.
Fuck...I cant sleep...I'm too fucking depressed. This hasn't happened for a long time...I need to do something about this...I'm so fucking uphappy...I don't even know why. How can I fix it if I don't even know why I feel this way? I'm so lost...I don't feel like I can do this anymore...I can't keep living like this...Everything seems so wrong...I can't believe my life has been reduced to this...I'm so scared. I don't know what to do anymore...I feel like I'm dying...I'm in so much pain. Everything hurts so bad...The tears running down my cheeks sting like hell...Do I really deserve this? Am I that bad of a person?...I need someone who cares...I need help...I don't think I can do this...My head hurts from crying...I just want to be happy...Why can't I just live my life? I just wish someone understood...I don't want to be alone...I'm not strong enough...I feel so shut off, so isolated from everyone, everything that used to be in my life. I just need a solid grip on something....I need something, or someone, that I know will still be there for me when I wake up every day. I need something to depend on...Something that makes me feel good about living...Not this same bullshit every day...Not the redundance of my pitiful existance...
I know that I have done some fucked up things...I know I'm not perfect...but I truly don't think I deserve to hurt this much...I'm so helpless...I need something good to come along...Something that makes me happy...Something unexpected that brings a new light to my life....I'm dreaming...Nothing good comes out of nowhere....Nothing good comes to me...I shouldn't get my hopes up....I don't have a reason to get up in the morning...I have nothing to live for. I have no motivation to keep living. I don't feel that anyone really needs me, I serve no real purpose.
So..My mom has this thing about..I can go out, if I check in at least once..and let her know whats going on and shit. I usually have problems with that...Thursday afternoon..I went out with some friends..I said..Ill check in at nine, be home by 12. I checked in at 9. To say hey. It was 11:45, when I decided I didn't feel like going home quite yet. So I called, said I'm sleeping over at Rachael's house, Ill call you tomorrow. I woke up at 11. Called her, told her, we're gonna finish watching a movie...then at 1:30, again. I called her, told her we were going to the mall. We did that, for few hours after we picked up Jeff and Tom and then went to Perkins...So thats...3 extra times I called to say something like..."Hey Lady, Im at so and so, Ill be home in a few hours." The normal check in shit..now...thats not exactly what I did, but thats what she thinks I did, what I did, has nothing to do with the situation.
I got home around 6 tonight, after we went to Perkins..and..shes pissed. Why? Cause she called Theresa's, she thought I said I was sleeping over there, when I said Rachael's house, and I wasnt there. Well...She called the wrong house, got pissed because I wasnt where she thought I was. I come home, rationally explain myself. Tell her that she is probably just used to me saying I'm over at Billy's...so she assumed, or something. Was she pissed? Ohh yeah. Why? Because I did her little check in thing, 4 times....4 times...shes usually lucky if I call once. So..I did her little..cat and mouse phone game...tell her all the stats of whats going on with me...I come home..and shes STILL pissed off at me.
After I went through my calm stage....of arguining..I exploded after a while. Then I went to my room, to try and sleep, cause I havent slept in a bed for almost two weeks, anyway...I was trying to sleep, she came in, woke me up, bugging me about if I was going to run away. She left. I couldnt sleep, so I decided...if I do go to Wisconsin tomorrow, for the weekend, I need clean clothes. So I have two loads of laundry, which I need to go finish, going right now, and I cleaned my room. My dad, is more on my side, cause I made him realized I checked in 4 times...and we both know, from her pain killers, for her Arthritis..it makes her forget things, easily. So he is giving me the benefit of the doubt, which I should get!
I'm making them realize lately, that...this is the worst thing I EVER do wrong, not check in. Do I get in trouble with the cops? No. Do we get along somewhat? Yes. Have I ever been to rehab? No. Do I get in serious trouble at school? No. Do I get fantastic grades that any parent would want there kid to get on every report card? Yes I do.
I told her..that yes, now..I'm forced to call her, and check in..but once I turn 18, I don't have to give her the time of day. I had my dad tell her for me, that if she wants me to call her when I turn 18, she had better start realizing to trust her own daughter and that she needs to stop blaming her insecurities of being fucked over again, on me, and assuming everyone is out to get me too. Because shes fucking paranoid.
I went outside to look for my cd case in the card, she heard the door shut, came out, yelled at me about what I was doing. I said Im fucking looking for my cd case, Im not gonna fucking runaway in broad day light, and Im certainly not going to runaway to the car.
What the fuck ever. Today I have to go to my aunt's house for a while...few laaaaaaame hours. Meet my cousin Stephanie's fiancee. Then...when I get back from that, I gotta pack up my shit and head to Wisconsin. Rachael, Billy and I are driving to Kara's again to visit her. We're gonna get trashed, watch and play with fireworks at the lake by her house. Have lots of good fun. I miss Kara, I miss her bitchy attitude.
Thought of the day: I wonder, if those "friends" of mine or those people "that care about me"...can see the pain in my eyes and hear it in the sound of my voice...I didnt think so.
I know that I have done some fucked up things...I know I'm not perfect...but I truly don't think I deserve to hurt this much...I'm so helpless...I need something good to come along...Something that makes me happy...Something unexpected that brings a new light to my life....I'm dreaming...Nothing good comes out of nowhere....Nothing good comes to me...I shouldn't get my hopes up....I don't have a reason to get up in the morning...I have nothing to live for. I have no motivation to keep living. I don't feel that anyone really needs me, I serve no real purpose.
So..My mom has this thing about..I can go out, if I check in at least once..and let her know whats going on and shit. I usually have problems with that...Thursday afternoon..I went out with some friends..I said..Ill check in at nine, be home by 12. I checked in at 9. To say hey. It was 11:45, when I decided I didn't feel like going home quite yet. So I called, said I'm sleeping over at Rachael's house, Ill call you tomorrow. I woke up at 11. Called her, told her, we're gonna finish watching a movie...then at 1:30, again. I called her, told her we were going to the mall. We did that, for few hours after we picked up Jeff and Tom and then went to Perkins...So thats...3 extra times I called to say something like..."Hey Lady, Im at so and so, Ill be home in a few hours." The normal check in shit..now...thats not exactly what I did, but thats what she thinks I did, what I did, has nothing to do with the situation.
I got home around 6 tonight, after we went to Perkins..and..shes pissed. Why? Cause she called Theresa's, she thought I said I was sleeping over there, when I said Rachael's house, and I wasnt there. Well...She called the wrong house, got pissed because I wasnt where she thought I was. I come home, rationally explain myself. Tell her that she is probably just used to me saying I'm over at Billy's...so she assumed, or something. Was she pissed? Ohh yeah. Why? Because I did her little check in thing, 4 times....4 times...shes usually lucky if I call once. So..I did her little..cat and mouse phone game...tell her all the stats of whats going on with me...I come home..and shes STILL pissed off at me.
After I went through my calm stage....of arguining..I exploded after a while. Then I went to my room, to try and sleep, cause I havent slept in a bed for almost two weeks, anyway...I was trying to sleep, she came in, woke me up, bugging me about if I was going to run away. She left. I couldnt sleep, so I decided...if I do go to Wisconsin tomorrow, for the weekend, I need clean clothes. So I have two loads of laundry, which I need to go finish, going right now, and I cleaned my room. My dad, is more on my side, cause I made him realized I checked in 4 times...and we both know, from her pain killers, for her Arthritis..it makes her forget things, easily. So he is giving me the benefit of the doubt, which I should get!
I'm making them realize lately, that...this is the worst thing I EVER do wrong, not check in. Do I get in trouble with the cops? No. Do we get along somewhat? Yes. Have I ever been to rehab? No. Do I get in serious trouble at school? No. Do I get fantastic grades that any parent would want there kid to get on every report card? Yes I do.
I told her..that yes, now..I'm forced to call her, and check in..but once I turn 18, I don't have to give her the time of day. I had my dad tell her for me, that if she wants me to call her when I turn 18, she had better start realizing to trust her own daughter and that she needs to stop blaming her insecurities of being fucked over again, on me, and assuming everyone is out to get me too. Because shes fucking paranoid.
I went outside to look for my cd case in the card, she heard the door shut, came out, yelled at me about what I was doing. I said Im fucking looking for my cd case, Im not gonna fucking runaway in broad day light, and Im certainly not going to runaway to the car.
What the fuck ever. Today I have to go to my aunt's house for a while...few laaaaaaame hours. Meet my cousin Stephanie's fiancee. Then...when I get back from that, I gotta pack up my shit and head to Wisconsin. Rachael, Billy and I are driving to Kara's again to visit her. We're gonna get trashed, watch and play with fireworks at the lake by her house. Have lots of good fun. I miss Kara, I miss her bitchy attitude.
Thought of the day: I wonder, if those "friends" of mine or those people "that care about me"...can see the pain in my eyes and hear it in the sound of my voice...I didnt think so.