can't find a better man...

[mindlessbabbler]

Would you believe I am still stupid enough to wait up for his calls, or some for of contact. I do. I want so badly for someone to care about me on a bigger level, something more than friendship that I torture myself with people who can't even see how miserable I am waiting on them to acknowledge my mere existence. I think about the things that I could be for someone who would just pay the least bit of attention to me. I bet I would end up smothering anyone brave enough to hold me just for a night. Some guy at work asked for my number the other day. He was black...thats cool. He said he would call on his day off. Today was his day off. His name is Julius. Why is love so important to me? If anyone can answer that I will bake you some of my super special oatmeal caramel things that everyone loves so much. I feel so broken. Everyone says that I need to be happy with myself first, why can't anyone see that I am happy with me, just not my situation. I want to get away from Kerry, but I can't find it in my heart to dump him. He hasnt done anything wrong. not really. I was watching Mona Lisa Smile today. I found myself crying over all of the things that I have in common with the girls in the movie. the morals and expectations. I belong in the 50s. When men were men and women were objects. at least I would fit in.

maslow said physiological...check then safety no check, social THEN esteem/ emotional...i have to belong before i can get attention...Maslow is my savior, and my failure