Trapped in the matrix
This is my first 'blog' post in a long time. Since the last real update, the internet basically transformed around me; myspace rose and fell, and in the ashes and dust people are collectively coming together under the guise of the newest social phenomenons, online networks, etc..
But what am I? I always thought I was an artist. I always thought I was someone that had something to say that people might benefit from. I always thought that i could create sounds that emulated how I felt inside of myself.
I've been in LA for almost a year now after i got back from a year long tour with Mankind Is Obsolete. Since then, I've been devoting 80-90% of my time towards paying off debt that was incurred in said tour (and also before the tour). I find myself sitting behind a desk and feeling more numb than I ever felt, all because I thought it was 'smart', 'logical', etc ad naseum. This desk is the rock of financial stability and 9 to 5 work. I have to get up at 5am every morning just to take the train into downtown LA every day. It takes me 2 hours to get there and 2 hours to get back; so in all, I spend 12-13 hours a day not doing music. Not doing art. Not playing my guitar. Not writing songs or crafting sounds Just using my brain in the best capacity to pay off almost $50k worth of debt in the fastest way possible. And it's worked.. I have two months to go to be completely debt free.
But now, I'm here, and not there. There is the dream; the cause, the reason for being. Here, unfortunately, is not. I go back and forth being okay within this reality. There are many things that I'm very thankful for, and a few certain people that have shown me unconditional love and friendship through this time as well, and it's making all the difference.
Anyhow, last night I saw an amazing thing: original, independent artists that sold out the hollywood bowl in Los Angeles. Particularly, Tegan and Sara really moved me; from what I've read, they are about the same age as me except that have relentlessly focused on their music and touring ever since they graduated highschool. Now, they opened up for Death Cab for Cutie to a sold out crowd at the Hollywood Bowl. Death Cab came up as a hard working DIY band as well... They never had major mainstream success, but because they dedicated most of their waking hours to touring and promoting their music, they were able to achieve a level of success that some major/mainstream artists only dream of.
And then I realized that I almost lost sight of the momentum, drive and desire to play for my dream.. The dream is the music and the joy of playing. As much as possible. The burning feeling inside that tells me that I have to get as much music out of my body, fingers and soul as much as possible or die trying. Yes, I'm sitting here behind a desk at my 9 to 5 (more like 6am to 8pm) office job, mending the wounds created by poor planning and a failed business plan; but once this phase is over I will have all this new knowledge, inspiration and wisdom. I'll never forget last nights' show, because it taught me that it is all entirely possible... And that the collective 'dream chasing' of LA is just a facade.
That's all for now.. Maybe more soon, at regular intervals ;)
But what am I? I always thought I was an artist. I always thought I was someone that had something to say that people might benefit from. I always thought that i could create sounds that emulated how I felt inside of myself.
I've been in LA for almost a year now after i got back from a year long tour with Mankind Is Obsolete. Since then, I've been devoting 80-90% of my time towards paying off debt that was incurred in said tour (and also before the tour). I find myself sitting behind a desk and feeling more numb than I ever felt, all because I thought it was 'smart', 'logical', etc ad naseum. This desk is the rock of financial stability and 9 to 5 work. I have to get up at 5am every morning just to take the train into downtown LA every day. It takes me 2 hours to get there and 2 hours to get back; so in all, I spend 12-13 hours a day not doing music. Not doing art. Not playing my guitar. Not writing songs or crafting sounds Just using my brain in the best capacity to pay off almost $50k worth of debt in the fastest way possible. And it's worked.. I have two months to go to be completely debt free.
But now, I'm here, and not there. There is the dream; the cause, the reason for being. Here, unfortunately, is not. I go back and forth being okay within this reality. There are many things that I'm very thankful for, and a few certain people that have shown me unconditional love and friendship through this time as well, and it's making all the difference.
Anyhow, last night I saw an amazing thing: original, independent artists that sold out the hollywood bowl in Los Angeles. Particularly, Tegan and Sara really moved me; from what I've read, they are about the same age as me except that have relentlessly focused on their music and touring ever since they graduated highschool. Now, they opened up for Death Cab for Cutie to a sold out crowd at the Hollywood Bowl. Death Cab came up as a hard working DIY band as well... They never had major mainstream success, but because they dedicated most of their waking hours to touring and promoting their music, they were able to achieve a level of success that some major/mainstream artists only dream of.
And then I realized that I almost lost sight of the momentum, drive and desire to play for my dream.. The dream is the music and the joy of playing. As much as possible. The burning feeling inside that tells me that I have to get as much music out of my body, fingers and soul as much as possible or die trying. Yes, I'm sitting here behind a desk at my 9 to 5 (more like 6am to 8pm) office job, mending the wounds created by poor planning and a failed business plan; but once this phase is over I will have all this new knowledge, inspiration and wisdom. I'll never forget last nights' show, because it taught me that it is all entirely possible... And that the collective 'dream chasing' of LA is just a facade.
That's all for now.. Maybe more soon, at regular intervals ;)