Why yes, I was a Women's Studies major once. How did you ever guess?
This was posted by cherrycherimoya in feminist_rage; I think it's brilliant and agree with every single word.
So, over some burritos and fried plantains this evening, my best friend, her mother, and I got into a very frank discussion about sex. Her mother did most of the talking, sharing what she felt she's learned about sex and life throughout her relationships. In sum: men are going to hurt your feelings (because they just can't help it!) in sexual relationships, and it's your responsibility to prevent it. This was not stated bitterly, or with regret. It was stated as just a fact of life.
Why do I get a "DON'T HAVE SEX YOU WILL REGRET IT AND IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" speech at eighteen, while my boyfriend gets a big pack of condoms and a "have fun, son" for his sixteenth birthday?
+ Nobody tells young women that sexual acts do not necessarily create emotional bonds between people. Girls hear constantly that it's SOOOO SPECIAL and AN ACT OF THE HEART and LOVE LOVE LOVE TENDERNESS TENDERNESS TENDERNESS CLOSENESS CLOSENESS CLOSENESS A FOREVER BOND. It's downright dangerous. Girls need to know that those things are there or they aren't, and sex is not the way to create them. Sex won't make people love you, but if you choose to, you can sex people you love.
+ Nobody tells young women that no one is entitled to the use of their bodies. Nobody tells them that they own their minds, their mouths, their arms, their breasts, their vulvae, their hearts--that they have the right to actively decide whom they are sexually and/or emotionally involved with, that they are not obligated to give blowjobs to their prom date, that they get to decide whom they hug and who touches their breasts and genitals.
+ Nobody tells young women that it's okay to say yes to sex, to enjoy sex, to explore and take pleasure from their own bodies, to have sex without love or to even make a distinction between the two.
+ Nobody tells young women that it's okay to not be interested in sex (although it seems that for many teenage girls, "interested in sex" has nothing to do with the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure, which apparently is not a feasible idea. It often seems to mean "willing to tolerate fellating a 16-year-old boy even though you don't get anything out of it and he doesn't reciprocate.") No one tells them that they aren't freakish for not wanting sex and that if they aren't interested, that doesn't make them OMG UNLOVEABLE COLD FISH YOU BETTER CHANGE YOURSELF.
+ Nobody tells young women how to negotiate the terms of a relationship. Nobody tells them that they have the right to be up front about what they want in a relationship and that they have the right to set boundaries, and to have those boundaries absolutely respected.
+ Nobody tells them that it's okay for them to view sex the way that fits them best: for me and one other super special person? for me and whomever I find attractive at the moment*? for me and multiple others at once? for me and girls? for me and boys? for me and both? Just plain not for me?
+ Nobody tells them that their sexuality and its expression doesn't have to be etched in stone. That if they've been "easy" [*gag*] in the past, they aren't obligated to continue being that way. That if they've dealt with nothing but dicks (the organ, kids =P), they are allowed to sample the cunt.
+ Nobody tells young women that they have the right to demand safe sex.
+ Nobody tells young women that they don't have to stay with somebody who doesn't respect their boundaries and that they aren't obligated to negotiate.
+ As a matter of fact, nobody tells young women that they are all right ALONE.
And we wonder why girls get hurt so often in relationships? It's not because girls Give It Up to the wrong guys (who by virtue of penis ownership are excused from dumb stuff like talking about what they want out of a relationship). It's because girls are enculturated to expect love from sex and boys are socialized to get their rocks off at all costs. Why the FUCK would you tell your son to go out there and enjoy some fine orgasms and tell your daughter that sex equals affection and bonding and handholding and LOVE?! That's like telling your son that his presents are under the stairs and telling your daughter to stand by the chimney and fucking wait for Santa Claus. Quit setting girls up to suffer by finding out the hard way that you can't trade sex for love. Quit telling them that they have sexual obligations to everyone who shows them attention. Quit this goddamn all-or-nothing "say NO to sex because you're actually just babysitting your vagina for your future husband who hopefully will come to claim what's rightfully his, and give you a dozen roses for your trouble" abstinence only education. Teach girls that they don't owe anything to anyone and that they are just fine on their own. Let them OWN their bodies and sexualities and encourage them to actively decide for themselves if, who, what, when, where, and how.
----
*obviously, that attractive whomever needs to consent.
So, over some burritos and fried plantains this evening, my best friend, her mother, and I got into a very frank discussion about sex. Her mother did most of the talking, sharing what she felt she's learned about sex and life throughout her relationships. In sum: men are going to hurt your feelings (because they just can't help it!) in sexual relationships, and it's your responsibility to prevent it. This was not stated bitterly, or with regret. It was stated as just a fact of life.
Why do I get a "DON'T HAVE SEX YOU WILL REGRET IT AND IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE" speech at eighteen, while my boyfriend gets a big pack of condoms and a "have fun, son" for his sixteenth birthday?
+ Nobody tells young women that sexual acts do not necessarily create emotional bonds between people. Girls hear constantly that it's SOOOO SPECIAL and AN ACT OF THE HEART and LOVE LOVE LOVE TENDERNESS TENDERNESS TENDERNESS CLOSENESS CLOSENESS CLOSENESS A FOREVER BOND. It's downright dangerous. Girls need to know that those things are there or they aren't, and sex is not the way to create them. Sex won't make people love you, but if you choose to, you can sex people you love.
+ Nobody tells young women that no one is entitled to the use of their bodies. Nobody tells them that they own their minds, their mouths, their arms, their breasts, their vulvae, their hearts--that they have the right to actively decide whom they are sexually and/or emotionally involved with, that they are not obligated to give blowjobs to their prom date, that they get to decide whom they hug and who touches their breasts and genitals.
+ Nobody tells young women that it's okay to say yes to sex, to enjoy sex, to explore and take pleasure from their own bodies, to have sex without love or to even make a distinction between the two.
+ Nobody tells young women that it's okay to not be interested in sex (although it seems that for many teenage girls, "interested in sex" has nothing to do with the giving and receiving of sexual pleasure, which apparently is not a feasible idea. It often seems to mean "willing to tolerate fellating a 16-year-old boy even though you don't get anything out of it and he doesn't reciprocate.") No one tells them that they aren't freakish for not wanting sex and that if they aren't interested, that doesn't make them OMG UNLOVEABLE COLD FISH YOU BETTER CHANGE YOURSELF.
+ Nobody tells young women how to negotiate the terms of a relationship. Nobody tells them that they have the right to be up front about what they want in a relationship and that they have the right to set boundaries, and to have those boundaries absolutely respected.
+ Nobody tells them that it's okay for them to view sex the way that fits them best: for me and one other super special person? for me and whomever I find attractive at the moment*? for me and multiple others at once? for me and girls? for me and boys? for me and both? Just plain not for me?
+ Nobody tells them that their sexuality and its expression doesn't have to be etched in stone. That if they've been "easy" [*gag*] in the past, they aren't obligated to continue being that way. That if they've dealt with nothing but dicks (the organ, kids =P), they are allowed to sample the cunt.
+ Nobody tells young women that they have the right to demand safe sex.
+ Nobody tells young women that they don't have to stay with somebody who doesn't respect their boundaries and that they aren't obligated to negotiate.
+ As a matter of fact, nobody tells young women that they are all right ALONE.
And we wonder why girls get hurt so often in relationships? It's not because girls Give It Up to the wrong guys (who by virtue of penis ownership are excused from dumb stuff like talking about what they want out of a relationship). It's because girls are enculturated to expect love from sex and boys are socialized to get their rocks off at all costs. Why the FUCK would you tell your son to go out there and enjoy some fine orgasms and tell your daughter that sex equals affection and bonding and handholding and LOVE?! That's like telling your son that his presents are under the stairs and telling your daughter to stand by the chimney and fucking wait for Santa Claus. Quit setting girls up to suffer by finding out the hard way that you can't trade sex for love. Quit telling them that they have sexual obligations to everyone who shows them attention. Quit this goddamn all-or-nothing "say NO to sex because you're actually just babysitting your vagina for your future husband who hopefully will come to claim what's rightfully his, and give you a dozen roses for your trouble" abstinence only education. Teach girls that they don't owe anything to anyone and that they are just fine on their own. Let them OWN their bodies and sexualities and encourage them to actively decide for themselves if, who, what, when, where, and how.
----
*obviously, that attractive whomever needs to consent.