Being Defined as "Beautiful" vs. A Pre-Teens Budding Sexuality
I have had 8 official boyfriends,
14 different men(I tried to remember the exact number) whom I have had sexual curiosities with,
and countless admirers.
where do I go from here.......
I am almost considered to be slightly on the slutty side by the bright young age of twenty. WOW! The numbers sure do add up now don't they?
Now this picture of the kid...was me at the age of two. I had not understood pain, sex, the want or need to hear the words "you are beautiful" because I knew all of it all along and none of it bothered me then. When I was this young, people absolutely adored me, but then again everyone adores a toddler...especially one that greets you with big blue eyes.
This is a picture when I was 4 years old, and already knowing how to work my best sides on camera angles. I still remember kindergarden, because of a game the 5th graders used to play. They used to sit in the back of the bus and pick which kindergardner was the cutest and have them sit with them. I was always picked. In fact one of them gave me a gift on my birthday, it was a pink and purple flowered box that had colored thread in it to make bracelets. It was one of those moments I cherished forever...and it's still even today my current thread box. Then I got older and I learned more about what I had to offer and what I had on the outside. The days of little presents and winning cute contests were merely child's play. About 5 years later I would learn the idea that somebody newer and younger would always be waiting to take your place....especially when i saw the people who favored me go off and favor another girl....thinner and younger.
I guess i learned early in life that I was naturally beautiful and that it meant absolutely nothing to hear the words,.,,they were nice to hear once again.
This picture was taken the summer before the 8th grade. Now...here's the question, "do I look fat in this picture?" In the 6th grade one of the cutest boys in my class told me that they had once again "rated" me. They said that I had amazing features, breasts, face, hair.....only that I was the medium weight. That I needed to lose some pounds. Judging from the picture today...I think those boys had some loose screws....because I think my legs look AMAZING.
The reason why I put up these pictures was to answer some question for myself. In one sense I have always needed some reassurence that I was pretty or beautiful. I needed some man to tell me this to keep my self-esteem up. The again I think deep down i always knew I was beautiful...from when I was really young all the way up until now. I grew into my natural womanly sexuality at too young of an age. I learned if I looked a certain way I could get whatever I needed and be off keeping inside the word that I knew existed all along. Its almost borderline of selfish...needy ....and greedy. (hey look..it rhymed!)
Today I went shopping...not for what I knew men liked on me....but from what I liked on me. It felt good...and freeing not to buy clothing for anyone else but myself. I bought and blue and white polka dot bra....why...because i liked it and I knew it was really bright.....but I liked it. I put down the halter top....and bought the fitted t-shirt.....why? Because I felt incredibly beautiful. It was refreshing to really consider all that old baggage really behind me.....
for years I have said that it was gone.....but today I really lived it.
