When did this become so important?
"One day I will be strong enough, to lift not one, but both of us" Taylor Swift
I watch you grow. In all possible ways. I watched you fall before. I saw how you broke down over and over again. These past years I witnessed your weakness, helpless, not being able to change the way you feel about it all, about yourself. You were like a broken mirror, shattered in a million pieces. Then, all of a sudden, you're not. How come I didn't notice before? How is it possible that you turned from a depressed, self-conscious mess to the beautiful and confident man that's now standing in front of me. -I toss and turn, try to get at least an hour of sleep, but it's all in vain.-
Nobody helped you change. That is oh so obvious. You did this by yourself. How couldn't I have noticed before, that you're not locking yourself up anymore? Quietly sobbing in that bathroom stall after a critical comment about your dancing skills. You're not doing that anymore. Haven't been in a year, when I come to think about it. How come I didn't find bloody razor blades in the trash anymore? Haven't found those in months, if I'm honest. When did you become so damn confident when posing for the cameras. When modelling for those high etude labels. And when exactly did your beautiful cheekbones become so visible? How come I haven't notice you change? Maybe I just didn't want to admit it. Admit that I have become so used to you crawling under my sheets in the wee-hours of the morning and you holding onto me, as if we were passengers on a sinking ship, that I'm now wide awake, waiting for you to enter my room. I've been awake at night at night for the past month if I'm honest. Since the last time you slept here with me. You'd always be gone in the morning. And we never talked about it during the day. Never talked about how after three nights of your breath on my neck I turned around to meet your gaze. How you raised your hand hesitantly and started to caress my cheek. Me closing my eyes and leaning into your touch like it was the most natural thing to do for two friends, bandmates. How I'd fall asleep in your arms and wake up alone. We never talked about it. Now I'm here alone. Again. And I can't help but miss the genuine affection that I used to receive from your touch, your mere presence. Before I know it, I'm out of my room, pacing down the hall, hesitating, but eventually knocking your bedroom door lightly. Tonight, it's me that's crawling under your sheets. And tonight your arms are open for me to sleep in. There are no words. No questioning. This. Us. Just my head on your chest. And your hands around my back. When I wake up tomorrow, will you be there?