New Purpose
ok, i did another post, but it got deleted, so the beginning of this is the abridged version. -_-
im using this now because my other blog got really public, and i want to write things no one i know irl will read. anyhow, there's this guy ive known since like 2nd grade. in middle school we hated each other. he'd say something mean to me, and id say something back. it went around in this vicious cycle...very bad. we were immature middle schoolers, what can i say? ^^;; but so then there was this period where we didnt really talk. not that we made an effort to avoid each other, we just didnt really talk much. and we didnt hate each other that much anymore. so we got along well enough in high school so far. well, in december, we had auditions for our school musical, "The Sound of Music". Shadie (the guy) was Captain Von Trapp, and i was hoping to get cast as Maria, because, not to be conceited, but her songs fit me really well and i know the entire play like forward and backward. but anyway, i didnt, i got cast as Liesl. Which was fine. i was really happy with that. but this girl that's like my arch rival in singing and no one likes got cast as Maria. and i have no idea why - her voice does NOT fit what Maria's should be. but anyway. everyone was REALLY pissed about it. so for a couple days afterward, we all got online and bitched. it was awesome. but, so shadie and i had been talking for a while about auditions and who should be cast as what and things like that. so we talked a lot once this girl got cast as his wife. so we got to know each other pretty well. we talked about his ex-girlfriend who also went to our church who had broken up with him a month or so before. and i became the one he talked to about stuff, and he could bitch to me about her. so we got to know each other pretty well. we'd hang out with groups of friends some and things like that. and i kind of started to like him, but i have a horrible history of losing interest in guys easily, so i didnt want anything to happen, considering how messed up he already was about the other girl. so i just kept my hopes, and figured id stop liking him soon enough. it didnt go away, so we started hanging in groups a lot. i dont know exactly the progression of things; i cant really remember specifically. but i got signs that he liked me, and then found out for sure from my 'sources'. so i was really crushing by this time. so we'd always sit next to each other when we did stuff in groups, and we talked online like all the time. it was obvious that we were more than friends, but we hadnt talked about anything and didnt really know what we were or what was going on. we'd just have times where id rest my head on his shoulder or somehing like that, and...well anyway. so one day he just asks me online, 'so what are we?' or something like that. and we started talking about it. so we were totally on the same page, knowing we liked each other and that we didn't want to 'go out' because then it'd become formal and everybody's business and random old people at church would ask us about it. so we decided to just go from there and take it slowly and see what happens. he didnt want to get hurt again, and i was afraid of hurting him, and we're really good friends, so we didnt want to mess anything up. so we're taking it really slowly. that was two weeks ago. and things have only gotten better. ^^ we still always sit together while we're in groups, which ususally consists of watching a movie at his house. his house because his mom loves all of us and doesnt mind us coming over until midnight every night we dont have school. lol. but his mom is awesome. she's like all of our second mother. but anyway, we hang out whenever we can, though i dont know if we're ready to hang out with just us. plus, our parents dont exactly know. ^^;; The Sadie Hawkins dance is this weekend, and we're going. we're also going to prom in April together. but mom only knows that we're going to sadies. and his mom knows we're going to prom, but i havent gotten around to telling my mom yet. i dont know how to bring it up! though i suppose she'll find out that we're more than friends soon enough. its really hard to hide! i mean, whenever we're together, there are always people around, so its hard to be able to touch him or whatever with no one thinking anything. but anyway. we hung out all day yesterday, and just sat together on his couch and talked with the group. his mom came down and sat with us...so we couldnt really do anything. as much as i love her, it was kind of weird. so anyhow, today we had this thing at school called day of caring, when we all go out and do community service for people. so shadie and i were in the same group because we were going with our music honor society to sing and play instruments at nursing homes. we sat in the very back seat together during one of the drives between nursing homes, and guess what?? We were holding hands! It was so wonderful! Whenever he touches me, my heart kind of stops for a second, and i get that feeling in my stomach like i going down a hill on a roller coaster. I can't focus for a minute, even if he or someone else is talking to me. so i have to kind of collect myself and hope no one noticed every time it happens. Ive never had an actual physical reaction to anyone before. well, one time when this guy asked me out i had butterflies in my stomach for days. but never an actual physical reaction to someone touching me or anything like that. oh, but it was great. no one was in the seat across from us, but my friend Amy was in the seat in front of the one beside us. she had said something about something, and shadie was whining or something, i dont exactly remember, but i was like 'im sure you'll be fine,' and patted his hand, but i kind of left it there. we just kind of grabbed each other. my hand was on top of his for a minute, with him holding my fingers, if that makes any sense. but after a minute, we kind of moved together and laced fingers. i cant stop thinking about how happy i was! id been thinking about somehow taking his hand for a few days, and hadnt really found a good opportunity where no one was watching. i suppose all my advisors were right - it just happens. because it really did, and its never worked that way for me before, so i was very skeptical. it's never 'just happened' and seemed right...but this time it did! oh, wow... but by the time we got to the next place we were performing our hands were on his leg, with the back of my had to him and the back of his hand to me. his other hand was on mine that he was already holding and mine was on the back of his that i was holding. so all of our hands were together. it was sooo cute. or, at least i thought it was. ^^;;
i suppose a barrier has been broken today. not like that first one when you find out your crush likes you. but...i think we're getting past the fear of everyone finding out. being together is more important than what they'll think about it.
so after lunch we were going from the resturaunt back to the bus and i put my arm through his, claiming that i was cold...because i was. but i guess it was my fault for wearing a skirt. ^^;; so we were walking like that, and he started talking to one of his friends, and i started talking to mine. she asked who i was going to sadies, with, and i pointed an said shadie. she probably saw how we were walking, and she asked if we were dating. i told her kind of, but we weren't really sure what we were. ^^;; we were kind of walking farther apart now because of talking to different people, so i was going to drop his arm, but when my hand got down farther, we just kind of took hands. i didnt mean to, but we did. fingers not laced this time. but we were practically at the bus anyway, so we had to drop them to get on. its so weird. you dont really try to do it, and im not sure that he is either, but we just kind of do it. its so wonderful.
then, we got back to school and it was about an hour until the actual school day ended. but we were allowed to leave, so Amy and i were headed out to find her a sadies dress. i wanted to go tell shadie, who was in the band room, that i was leaving, because i probably wouldnt see him until the next day since we both had practice or rehearsal after school which Amy and i had to come back for. so i wouldnt see him. so i went and told him, and Kristen came with me, but there were people there, so i couldnt hug him or anything. so i went back toward the door where id left amy. shadie followed us a second or two later and caught up to us in the hall. one of his friends came too. Amy and kristen and i were almost to the door and he walked beside me. it was probably because i was about to leave and not see him until the next day, but we took hands again. laced fingers. in front of everyone. ^^ he wouldnt have much fun, so he didnt come with us. we invited him, well I invited him, but he didn't come. though i totally understand. plus, we needed girl time. so amy found a dress and problems were solved. ^^
we talk online every night, which is good. though sometimes we run out of things to talk about. any ideas? ^^;; currently sadies (which is on my birthday!) and prom are the hot topics. but they wear out.
oh, this is so happy. i hope it works out well. he has to go to college in the fall, though, so that will suck. but i hope it lasts till then and my fickle nature doesnt show through. but I can't see that happening soon, which is good.
I'll probably write more on this later, but i need to go to bed right now. a night of actually a lot of sleep will do me some good, i hope. ^^