Jual minyak
Raya preps must already have started for most, if not already in full swing. Today at iftar, my mother reminded me that Raya is 10 days away. I think she's hinting that my chocolate chip cookies need to start being baked, if I ever want to score points with guests who have hot, single and available sons.
Nak jual minyak ajer aku nih.
Jual minyak: The act of selling yourself via heavy (sometimes shameless) flirting. Similar to the very Makcikfied act of selling balms (like minyak bam, minyak lintah, minyak bubut etc) or perfumes (minyak wangi dari Avon dan brand-brand sewaktu dengannya), thus coining this amazingly huh-worthy phrase for the non-minahspeaking.
But the logic is there, sales is sales - you need to throw your product into your customer's face, and do everything it takes to sell it. Just that in this case, you're selling yourself!
Anyway friends, selling yourself is not difficult, really. Come, let me share some tips.
Top Ten Tips for Minahs yang nak Jual Minyak
#1. Feel good about yourself
Because when you feel good, you look good. If someone doesn't think you look good, throw something at that person. Sibuk jer. (However, please do not throw things at the elderly, the disabled or children.)
#2. Prepare your mentel voice
This varies from Minah to Minah. For the Minahs with the serak-serak basah low voice, you can try to slow down when you speak. This will make you sound more sultry than you already do, plus you'd sound less vulgar and like you want to keropok someone. For the squeaky Minahs with the high-pitched voice, you can choose to add softness by trying to go a key lower, or cute, by slowing down when you speak.
Key here is to speak slower, so you don't seem desperate (or too excited), but chirpy enough so nobody falls asleep.
#3. Twirl your hair
This is simple and basic body language to inform the Mat that you are flirting with him. All Mats pick this up, don't worry. If you have short hair and trying to twirl it just makes you look belo, then touch your hair every few seconds. Adjust your fringe, smoothen the back, whatever.
Contrary to popular belief, hair twirling isn't entirely bimbotic. Let me tell you what is - EXCESSIVE EYELASH BATTING. Later your fake lashes fall off how?
#4. Smile
Senyum itu manis. Give him a toothache. Make him diabetic. Mats are generally happy people therefore all Mats love smiley Minahs.
#5. Be nice to children, toddlers and little babies
Mats like to know that a Minah is capable of handling these little human beings. Mats are a breed of guys who one day will ultimately want a mini version of themselves, so the best way to impress them is to show them that you are capable of bringing them this.
Children these days are not as easy to bribe, they don't like sweets and chocolates. You might need to give them some cash or lend them your PSP / handphone / any other amazing electronic gadget such as a watch that allows you to teleport ala ala Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
Toddlers and babies are slightly easier. Baby boys like Minahs, baby girls like Mats (so if a baby girl starts crying when you lift her, push her into the Mat's arms and then coo from a safe distance). Do not drop these adorable little human beings. Will minus 2000 (if not infinity) points.
#6. Eat with poise
If you tend to get half your food on your clothes, then don't eat. Eat later, when no one is looking. If you tend to chew noisily, or stuff a whole biscuit into your mouth, please don't. Nibble. Do not talk with food in your mouth, cover your mouth with your hand and chew, and then talk.
The last thing that should happen is your cheeks puff because you have stored some food at the side of your mouth. Perangai takmo pelahap.
#7. Mind your language
All bad words and crude Minah language should be kept to lepak sessions. No Mat wants to bring home a foul-mouthed Minah because his mum may suggest that he wash her mouth out with soap or marinate it with chilli.
If the Mat you are trying to impress is already a friend who is exposed to your R21 way of speaking, you might want to adjust it in a way that when it's just you and him, it's not rude or explicit.
#8. Cooking is a skill
All Mats, no matter what they say, prefer a Minah who can cook, as opposed to one who cannot. If any of you have ever lost out to a Minah who can't cook, then I'm sorry, she must be very very very good in bed HEH. But my point is, the way to a man's heart is really his stomach. What's harder is to please his mum.
I've probably mentioned this before, that you need to be able to whip up any one of these dishes, because all Mats love at least one of them.
- Ayam Masak Merah
- Rendang
- Lemak Cili Padi
- Sambal Goreng Pengantin
- Asam Pedas
If you cannot cook, try baking. Or if really you are useless in the kitchen, at least learn how to make his coffee/tea and eggs the way he likes it.
#9. Make sure you carry tissue with you
This shows that you are well prepared for anything. Tissue is highly useful so never leave leave home without it. Plus 10 points for a Minah who is always prepared with tissue, because it means that you are reliable and hygenic.
And last but not least.. probably the most important jual minyak tip:
#10. Do not ask/mention/talk about his ex or any other girl he might be interested in/ dating/ married
Because remember, you are selling yourself, and you do not want to look like you're psychotically competitive by sizing up the opponent by being overly interested and nosey. But if he starts talking about her, just take your sale elsewhere, as you should be able to spot a lost cause by then.
Oh and for the Mats who are married and still let you jual minyak to them (you will eventually find out that he is, Singapore is so small), go back to tip #1 - THROW SOMETHING AT HIM. Preferably a pair of scissors, a knife or some faeces.
On an entirely different note, korang dah jejak bazaar di Geylang Serai lum? (Sebab kalo aku ckp Geylang jer nanti lain pulak korang fikir kan.) It's not massively crowded like maybe compared to last year, but I still get that feel good feeling walking among all them Mats&Minahs.
Then again, maybe it's just me. :D
xoxo
Eli The Minah
Nak jual minyak ajer aku nih.
Jual minyak: The act of selling yourself via heavy (sometimes shameless) flirting. Similar to the very Makcikfied act of selling balms (like minyak bam, minyak lintah, minyak bubut etc) or perfumes (minyak wangi dari Avon dan brand-brand sewaktu dengannya), thus coining this amazingly huh-worthy phrase for the non-minahspeaking.
But the logic is there, sales is sales - you need to throw your product into your customer's face, and do everything it takes to sell it. Just that in this case, you're selling yourself!
Anyway friends, selling yourself is not difficult, really. Come, let me share some tips.
Top Ten Tips for Minahs yang nak Jual Minyak
#1. Feel good about yourself
Because when you feel good, you look good. If someone doesn't think you look good, throw something at that person. Sibuk jer. (However, please do not throw things at the elderly, the disabled or children.)
#2. Prepare your mentel voice
This varies from Minah to Minah. For the Minahs with the serak-serak basah low voice, you can try to slow down when you speak. This will make you sound more sultry than you already do, plus you'd sound less vulgar and like you want to keropok someone. For the squeaky Minahs with the high-pitched voice, you can choose to add softness by trying to go a key lower, or cute, by slowing down when you speak.
Key here is to speak slower, so you don't seem desperate (or too excited), but chirpy enough so nobody falls asleep.
#3. Twirl your hair
This is simple and basic body language to inform the Mat that you are flirting with him. All Mats pick this up, don't worry. If you have short hair and trying to twirl it just makes you look belo, then touch your hair every few seconds. Adjust your fringe, smoothen the back, whatever.
Contrary to popular belief, hair twirling isn't entirely bimbotic. Let me tell you what is - EXCESSIVE EYELASH BATTING. Later your fake lashes fall off how?
#4. Smile
Senyum itu manis. Give him a toothache. Make him diabetic. Mats are generally happy people therefore all Mats love smiley Minahs.
#5. Be nice to children, toddlers and little babies
Mats like to know that a Minah is capable of handling these little human beings. Mats are a breed of guys who one day will ultimately want a mini version of themselves, so the best way to impress them is to show them that you are capable of bringing them this.
Children these days are not as easy to bribe, they don't like sweets and chocolates. You might need to give them some cash or lend them your PSP / handphone / any other amazing electronic gadget such as a watch that allows you to teleport ala ala Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
Toddlers and babies are slightly easier. Baby boys like Minahs, baby girls like Mats (so if a baby girl starts crying when you lift her, push her into the Mat's arms and then coo from a safe distance). Do not drop these adorable little human beings. Will minus 2000 (if not infinity) points.
#6. Eat with poise
If you tend to get half your food on your clothes, then don't eat. Eat later, when no one is looking. If you tend to chew noisily, or stuff a whole biscuit into your mouth, please don't. Nibble. Do not talk with food in your mouth, cover your mouth with your hand and chew, and then talk.
The last thing that should happen is your cheeks puff because you have stored some food at the side of your mouth. Perangai takmo pelahap.
#7. Mind your language
All bad words and crude Minah language should be kept to lepak sessions. No Mat wants to bring home a foul-mouthed Minah because his mum may suggest that he wash her mouth out with soap or marinate it with chilli.
If the Mat you are trying to impress is already a friend who is exposed to your R21 way of speaking, you might want to adjust it in a way that when it's just you and him, it's not rude or explicit.
#8. Cooking is a skill
All Mats, no matter what they say, prefer a Minah who can cook, as opposed to one who cannot. If any of you have ever lost out to a Minah who can't cook, then I'm sorry, she must be very very very good in bed HEH. But my point is, the way to a man's heart is really his stomach. What's harder is to please his mum.
I've probably mentioned this before, that you need to be able to whip up any one of these dishes, because all Mats love at least one of them.
- Ayam Masak Merah
- Rendang
- Lemak Cili Padi
- Sambal Goreng Pengantin
- Asam Pedas
If you cannot cook, try baking. Or if really you are useless in the kitchen, at least learn how to make his coffee/tea and eggs the way he likes it.
#9. Make sure you carry tissue with you
This shows that you are well prepared for anything. Tissue is highly useful so never leave leave home without it. Plus 10 points for a Minah who is always prepared with tissue, because it means that you are reliable and hygenic.
And last but not least.. probably the most important jual minyak tip:
#10. Do not ask/mention/talk about his ex or any other girl he might be interested in/ dating/ married
Because remember, you are selling yourself, and you do not want to look like you're psychotically competitive by sizing up the opponent by being overly interested and nosey. But if he starts talking about her, just take your sale elsewhere, as you should be able to spot a lost cause by then.
Oh and for the Mats who are married and still let you jual minyak to them (you will eventually find out that he is, Singapore is so small), go back to tip #1 - THROW SOMETHING AT HIM. Preferably a pair of scissors, a knife or some faeces.
On an entirely different note, korang dah jejak bazaar di Geylang Serai lum? (Sebab kalo aku ckp Geylang jer nanti lain pulak korang fikir kan.) It's not massively crowded like maybe compared to last year, but I still get that feel good feeling walking among all them Mats&Minahs.
Then again, maybe it's just me. :D
xoxo
Eli The Minah