Changes.....
Six months ago, I would’ve never dreamed I’d be on the highway in a thunderstorm. But Sunday, I was. I was scared, but I did it. Yet another thing I’ve done that used to scare me.
We had some substantial storm damage from the cells that passed over us the other night. Three trees in my complex were uprooted, and one tree, 40 years old or more, was snapped in half and thrown into the street. I could barely fit my car around it yesterday.
The fence was torn to pieces too. I think God had a reason for me to be in Flori*ssant when that storm hit. If I would’ve been in my living room looking out the window and seen pieces of fence flying and trees being uprooted, I probably would’ve had a serious panic attack.
I dream about tornadoes a lot.
One apartment had the locks blown off too.
I drove over a piece of a billboard after the storm. I didn’t see it until I was right up on it anyway.
Sunday, I went out to my Mom’s house. I knew I could no longer put off being around my adopted family while they’re in mourning. It was not so bad.
Mom cried a little, and Granny Great stared off into the distance a lot. I busied myself making cards with the wake and burial information.
I put little hearts next to Ruth Ann’s name.
Beloved Aunt.
My Uncle Rick had the unfortunate job of being manly man. I could tell he wanted to break down but he was not because he wanted to be strong for us. It made me incredibly sad to see him like that. He always reminded me of Santa Claus. But Sunday, I just saw him as a brother who lost his baby sister.
I saw my friend Sandy, and Maggie came over. Sandy is my friend from high school. I’ve known her for 14 years or more. Sandy is very attached to Jackie, so she kept her busy playing games and coloring while the rest of the adults talked.
Sandy used to pick my brain in high school. Who knew she would go into Psychology? All those years she spent shrinking me and asking me, “How do YOU feel about that?” It’s funny.
It was nice to see her, but she is around so much she is like family anyway.
Maggie was my friend in high school, but her mom adopted me at 16 or 17, and she became my sister.
I thank God for her.
Maggie has been a fantastic sister and a super Aunt to Jackie. Maggie is stable where I am not, but yet she is still the fun Aunt for Jackie and the one Jackie is closest to out of all my sisters.
Now if only I could get along with her live-in boyfriend, Mike. But that’s a story for another time.
She gave Jackie some big hugs.
Mom, well, we have always had some tense moments in our relationship, and it was both of our faults. She tried to love me like a mother should, and I felt guilty for loving her when my mom Joann was dead in the ground. I felt bad for even thinking of loving someone as much as I loved Joann.
I kept her at arm’s length, always.
Because she sensed this, she has always made sure I knew what she was thinking, even if it was rude and obnoxious. Only a devout Mormon could insult you and make it sound loving, but she does exactly that.
There are times when I get mad at her, and don’t talk to her for a while. Maybe it’s because I remember that in any major relationship I’ve ever had, she has always taken the guy’s side. Nick was a cheater, but he was invited over to our house to open Christmas presents while I sat in my room. Or with my ex-husband Uranus, who cheated and destroyed our marriage, she also took his side. Until she really saw what he was doing, that is.
There are other things, like the “intervention” she staged back in 1999 with my closest friend Silvia. How offensive! I didn’t need an intervention!
He needed an intervention. He moved out, didn’t pay child support and left me with a pile of bills. He wasn’t acting responsible, I was. But she took his side anyway and decided that obviously I had done something to make him leave.
Well, with him, I learned you can be pretty, intelligent, kind, giving, sweet, honest, loyal, and educated, have a good job, be a fantastic wife and mother, and it still not be enough.
But she took his side.
Sigh.
There have been other things, but our relationship expands and shrinks at will. I never know what the situation will be until we are in it.
But I still love her, and realized, it will never be 3 weeks between talking to her again.
I’m guilty of that.
Granny Great, was the hardest person to interact with. I just feel like it could be her time too sometime in the near future.
Like I have said, I have no problem with my impending death sometime in the future. However, I am terrible at dealing with my loved one’s leaving this earth.
It makes me want to die first…
But I have so much left to do, so much life to live, people to love, a daughter to raise, dreams to make reality.
I’m not ready yet, God.
Other people in my life:
Rene’: I talk about him, a lot. He has been my friend since I was 16 years old. He became my pen pal at age 16, a mentor. He was very protective and never tried any funny business.
We kept in contact for two years. Often, going out to eat, shopping, and going to museums. But when I was 18, and legal, he was gone.
When I was 26, I found him again. Turns out, he works at the place I work at now. We started a relationship. Even though he was older than me, 41, our age wasn’t a problem.
I tell you what was a problem. He is a bachelor. He never intends to marry. He’s been engaged twice…..
We talked about getting married after a year of dating, but he ducked out on that before we could get to the planning stage. I was hurt, deeply. How can you love a person so much and yet not want to spend the rest of your life with them? I couldn’t understand.
What else I couldn’t understand is his issues with intimacy. He always liked to keep me at arms length, and pull me in close when he wanted to be close. I can understand a man’s need for freedom, as I need mine, but sometimes I felt close to him, and other times, I did not.
Every time we messed around, he went straight to confession afterward. He is that devout. While I admire that, a young woman has needs, and intimacy is one of them.
While he’s been there for me in many ways the past few years, especially during some trying times, there’s other times I don’t see him for 3-4 days. And we work in the same building! He does call me every morning to make sure I’m awake, which makes me feel special.
He is truly a wonderful friend. Our relationship evolved from being romantic to something deep and wonderful, but what I needed most from him, he could never give. So I accept him for who he is.
I don’t look at him in a sexual way anymore. He is a very handsome man, and looks a decade or two younger than he is. He is an avid runner and constantly runs marathons, which I find hilarious, because the most exercise I get is walking.
But Rene’ has turned into almost a brother for me. When he kisses me, and he always does, it is with brotherly affection, and there is no tongue action and hasn’t been for a long, long time.
I really like things the way they are, as friends.
Then there is Lisa. Just saying her name makes me smile. I met Lisa when she was my upstairs neighbor where I live now. She has long since moved..
Lisa and I had a weird start. We laughed like maniacs together, and we shared many jokes and secrets. But I was going through a lot when we met, and I put her through a lot of crap.
It seems like a bad dream..that we had our hard times.
We’ve had our ups and downs, but I have grown to love her. And the last year of our friendship has been fabulous. We grow closer every day. I cannot imagine my life without her now.
She has, like Rene’, participated a lot in my Victim’s Rights events. She is always there, even when I feel like I might go crazy from stress or anxiety.
Our relationship was, at one time, very one-sided. When I was going through all my crap, more often than not, I called her in tears because I doubted I could make it another day.
She was a light in that darkness, and I thank her for that.
Now that she is pregnant, I feel much needed, and I’m so going to be there for her. And I will be “Aunt Mimi”.
I regret that I pushed and pulled her away so often. But now, that my life is different; I can keep her close without fear. Because loving her is worth it. Because loving her now makes up for some of the bad things in my life. Because she loves me back.
The only problem is: redheads aren’t my type.
He he.
We had some substantial storm damage from the cells that passed over us the other night. Three trees in my complex were uprooted, and one tree, 40 years old or more, was snapped in half and thrown into the street. I could barely fit my car around it yesterday.
The fence was torn to pieces too. I think God had a reason for me to be in Flori*ssant when that storm hit. If I would’ve been in my living room looking out the window and seen pieces of fence flying and trees being uprooted, I probably would’ve had a serious panic attack.
I dream about tornadoes a lot.
One apartment had the locks blown off too.
I drove over a piece of a billboard after the storm. I didn’t see it until I was right up on it anyway.
Sunday, I went out to my Mom’s house. I knew I could no longer put off being around my adopted family while they’re in mourning. It was not so bad.
Mom cried a little, and Granny Great stared off into the distance a lot. I busied myself making cards with the wake and burial information.
I put little hearts next to Ruth Ann’s name.
Beloved Aunt.
My Uncle Rick had the unfortunate job of being manly man. I could tell he wanted to break down but he was not because he wanted to be strong for us. It made me incredibly sad to see him like that. He always reminded me of Santa Claus. But Sunday, I just saw him as a brother who lost his baby sister.
I saw my friend Sandy, and Maggie came over. Sandy is my friend from high school. I’ve known her for 14 years or more. Sandy is very attached to Jackie, so she kept her busy playing games and coloring while the rest of the adults talked.
Sandy used to pick my brain in high school. Who knew she would go into Psychology? All those years she spent shrinking me and asking me, “How do YOU feel about that?” It’s funny.
It was nice to see her, but she is around so much she is like family anyway.
Maggie was my friend in high school, but her mom adopted me at 16 or 17, and she became my sister.
I thank God for her.
Maggie has been a fantastic sister and a super Aunt to Jackie. Maggie is stable where I am not, but yet she is still the fun Aunt for Jackie and the one Jackie is closest to out of all my sisters.
Now if only I could get along with her live-in boyfriend, Mike. But that’s a story for another time.
She gave Jackie some big hugs.
Mom, well, we have always had some tense moments in our relationship, and it was both of our faults. She tried to love me like a mother should, and I felt guilty for loving her when my mom Joann was dead in the ground. I felt bad for even thinking of loving someone as much as I loved Joann.
I kept her at arm’s length, always.
Because she sensed this, she has always made sure I knew what she was thinking, even if it was rude and obnoxious. Only a devout Mormon could insult you and make it sound loving, but she does exactly that.
There are times when I get mad at her, and don’t talk to her for a while. Maybe it’s because I remember that in any major relationship I’ve ever had, she has always taken the guy’s side. Nick was a cheater, but he was invited over to our house to open Christmas presents while I sat in my room. Or with my ex-husband Uranus, who cheated and destroyed our marriage, she also took his side. Until she really saw what he was doing, that is.
There are other things, like the “intervention” she staged back in 1999 with my closest friend Silvia. How offensive! I didn’t need an intervention!
He needed an intervention. He moved out, didn’t pay child support and left me with a pile of bills. He wasn’t acting responsible, I was. But she took his side anyway and decided that obviously I had done something to make him leave.
Well, with him, I learned you can be pretty, intelligent, kind, giving, sweet, honest, loyal, and educated, have a good job, be a fantastic wife and mother, and it still not be enough.
But she took his side.
Sigh.
There have been other things, but our relationship expands and shrinks at will. I never know what the situation will be until we are in it.
But I still love her, and realized, it will never be 3 weeks between talking to her again.
I’m guilty of that.
Granny Great, was the hardest person to interact with. I just feel like it could be her time too sometime in the near future.
Like I have said, I have no problem with my impending death sometime in the future. However, I am terrible at dealing with my loved one’s leaving this earth.
It makes me want to die first…
But I have so much left to do, so much life to live, people to love, a daughter to raise, dreams to make reality.
I’m not ready yet, God.
Other people in my life:
Rene’: I talk about him, a lot. He has been my friend since I was 16 years old. He became my pen pal at age 16, a mentor. He was very protective and never tried any funny business.
We kept in contact for two years. Often, going out to eat, shopping, and going to museums. But when I was 18, and legal, he was gone.
When I was 26, I found him again. Turns out, he works at the place I work at now. We started a relationship. Even though he was older than me, 41, our age wasn’t a problem.
I tell you what was a problem. He is a bachelor. He never intends to marry. He’s been engaged twice…..
We talked about getting married after a year of dating, but he ducked out on that before we could get to the planning stage. I was hurt, deeply. How can you love a person so much and yet not want to spend the rest of your life with them? I couldn’t understand.
What else I couldn’t understand is his issues with intimacy. He always liked to keep me at arms length, and pull me in close when he wanted to be close. I can understand a man’s need for freedom, as I need mine, but sometimes I felt close to him, and other times, I did not.
Every time we messed around, he went straight to confession afterward. He is that devout. While I admire that, a young woman has needs, and intimacy is one of them.
While he’s been there for me in many ways the past few years, especially during some trying times, there’s other times I don’t see him for 3-4 days. And we work in the same building! He does call me every morning to make sure I’m awake, which makes me feel special.
He is truly a wonderful friend. Our relationship evolved from being romantic to something deep and wonderful, but what I needed most from him, he could never give. So I accept him for who he is.
I don’t look at him in a sexual way anymore. He is a very handsome man, and looks a decade or two younger than he is. He is an avid runner and constantly runs marathons, which I find hilarious, because the most exercise I get is walking.
But Rene’ has turned into almost a brother for me. When he kisses me, and he always does, it is with brotherly affection, and there is no tongue action and hasn’t been for a long, long time.
I really like things the way they are, as friends.
Then there is Lisa. Just saying her name makes me smile. I met Lisa when she was my upstairs neighbor where I live now. She has long since moved..
Lisa and I had a weird start. We laughed like maniacs together, and we shared many jokes and secrets. But I was going through a lot when we met, and I put her through a lot of crap.
It seems like a bad dream..that we had our hard times.
We’ve had our ups and downs, but I have grown to love her. And the last year of our friendship has been fabulous. We grow closer every day. I cannot imagine my life without her now.
She has, like Rene’, participated a lot in my Victim’s Rights events. She is always there, even when I feel like I might go crazy from stress or anxiety.
Our relationship was, at one time, very one-sided. When I was going through all my crap, more often than not, I called her in tears because I doubted I could make it another day.
She was a light in that darkness, and I thank her for that.
Now that she is pregnant, I feel much needed, and I’m so going to be there for her. And I will be “Aunt Mimi”.
I regret that I pushed and pulled her away so often. But now, that my life is different; I can keep her close without fear. Because loving her is worth it. Because loving her now makes up for some of the bad things in my life. Because she loves me back.
The only problem is: redheads aren’t my type.
He he.