The enigma that is love........and loss.
I am starting to feel it now...the pain. It feels like my life is passing me by and I am losing those I love, in rapid succession. I know also, that I will lose another dear to me, a relative, in the next year sometime. It's this knowledge I have.
It sometimes seems that I lose more than I have ever gained. I know that probably does not make sense..but the things I do have, I treasure. Relationships, especially. Especially because up until recently, I have really sucked at relationships. The only people in my life actively, were people who were stubborn enough to stay. Sometimes, I was so consumed with my own pain that I could not see anything around me.
My biological family was tethered together by pain. I'm not sure how close anyone ever was after the murder. They were too splintered by mom's murder and Rachel's death. It felt like the family was an egg and it was cracked in many places. There was much vulnerability. A family like ours could only take so much strain before it began to lose it's strength and start to fracture.
I was used to loss with that family. Not that it was ever easy. It was my innoncence, my mother, my aunt Rachel and my Grandma. I did not grieve when my grandfather died, the bastard.
But it seemed like I lost and lost until there was hardly anybody left. When we get together now, there's maybe 10 of us, including friends of the family and spouses. It almost makes you want to cry. The sadness permeates every occasion, even though...people tried to be upbeat and of course, we always joke with one another.
But the sadness stays. I hate Rodney for doing that to the family. It's because of his selfish act that this started.
I have an uncle who's suicidal, an aunt who smiles for everyone else but secretly grieves, another Uncle who is surviving only because that's what he knows how to do, cousins that cannot deal with the murder at all so they distance themselves.
I love them all with everything I have....it hurts because I cannot take the pain away from them. And even though I'm healing and I've come so far....I know they are not ready to come along yet. You have to pull yourself out of your misery..no one can do it for you. I hate to see my family where I spent the last 23 years. There is sunshine and light here. I like this new place. I feel reborn.
My link to the past, my beloved Grandmother, died last March. My heart felt like it ripped in two. Even now...I miss her everyday. I don't think anyone besides my own mother loved me like she did. It was unconditional. The only replication of that is with my own beautiful daughter. It is because of her that I am here now.
Jackie was the only person who truly made me want to live. Now that I am strong...it is different. I am truly blessed as a mother, but I am also beginning to enjoy my life. I don't have these talks with myself about whether I want to drive in front of a tractor trailor and get it all over with.
I want to live. I want to thrive. I have a lot to do with my life.
Most of all, I want to love and be loved.
But that's where the thorn is. Around the rose that is love, there is thorns. You want to partake in the beauty of the rose, you take the chance you will get pricked and bleed.
But I don't want to hurt anymore. I know it's a part of life...but I don't want to hurt. I've had enough hurt. I want to be protected, nurtured...I don't know where I will find it, but I need it. I used to think I was fine on my own, but now I know there is something missing from my life.
With my adopted family, I gained a mother, a sister, an Aunt (Ruth) and an Uncle. Of course, I gained a grandmother..and cousins. Another chance at family, but I was not discarding my birth family. I was just trying to make things different with that one.
Of course, things were great in the beginning, but I screwed that up too. I was not used to being accepted..and in typical 19 year old Missy fashion, I was self-destructive then too. I burned almost every bridge. I figured, if people could not stay close to me, then I would not be devastated when they died.
I still don't know how they stand by me. I have redeemed myself in many ways. I am not the person I was back then. I have worked very hard to make a life for myself, and I am proud of the way things have turned out. I know that many people did not expect me to turn out well, so it is a plus.
It has been hard, but over the years I let down my guard with my adopted family, and allowed them into my heart. They were more than willing to accept me. I was not so willing to trust.
Trust has been an issue always.
But I am learning to trust, and take chances. And now that I have, someone dies, that I loved. Again. I am lost.
It doesn't get any more real than this.
Matthew, call me.
It sometimes seems that I lose more than I have ever gained. I know that probably does not make sense..but the things I do have, I treasure. Relationships, especially. Especially because up until recently, I have really sucked at relationships. The only people in my life actively, were people who were stubborn enough to stay. Sometimes, I was so consumed with my own pain that I could not see anything around me.
My biological family was tethered together by pain. I'm not sure how close anyone ever was after the murder. They were too splintered by mom's murder and Rachel's death. It felt like the family was an egg and it was cracked in many places. There was much vulnerability. A family like ours could only take so much strain before it began to lose it's strength and start to fracture.
I was used to loss with that family. Not that it was ever easy. It was my innoncence, my mother, my aunt Rachel and my Grandma. I did not grieve when my grandfather died, the bastard.
But it seemed like I lost and lost until there was hardly anybody left. When we get together now, there's maybe 10 of us, including friends of the family and spouses. It almost makes you want to cry. The sadness permeates every occasion, even though...people tried to be upbeat and of course, we always joke with one another.
But the sadness stays. I hate Rodney for doing that to the family. It's because of his selfish act that this started.
I have an uncle who's suicidal, an aunt who smiles for everyone else but secretly grieves, another Uncle who is surviving only because that's what he knows how to do, cousins that cannot deal with the murder at all so they distance themselves.
I love them all with everything I have....it hurts because I cannot take the pain away from them. And even though I'm healing and I've come so far....I know they are not ready to come along yet. You have to pull yourself out of your misery..no one can do it for you. I hate to see my family where I spent the last 23 years. There is sunshine and light here. I like this new place. I feel reborn.
My link to the past, my beloved Grandmother, died last March. My heart felt like it ripped in two. Even now...I miss her everyday. I don't think anyone besides my own mother loved me like she did. It was unconditional. The only replication of that is with my own beautiful daughter. It is because of her that I am here now.
Jackie was the only person who truly made me want to live. Now that I am strong...it is different. I am truly blessed as a mother, but I am also beginning to enjoy my life. I don't have these talks with myself about whether I want to drive in front of a tractor trailor and get it all over with.
I want to live. I want to thrive. I have a lot to do with my life.
Most of all, I want to love and be loved.
But that's where the thorn is. Around the rose that is love, there is thorns. You want to partake in the beauty of the rose, you take the chance you will get pricked and bleed.
But I don't want to hurt anymore. I know it's a part of life...but I don't want to hurt. I've had enough hurt. I want to be protected, nurtured...I don't know where I will find it, but I need it. I used to think I was fine on my own, but now I know there is something missing from my life.
With my adopted family, I gained a mother, a sister, an Aunt (Ruth) and an Uncle. Of course, I gained a grandmother..and cousins. Another chance at family, but I was not discarding my birth family. I was just trying to make things different with that one.
Of course, things were great in the beginning, but I screwed that up too. I was not used to being accepted..and in typical 19 year old Missy fashion, I was self-destructive then too. I burned almost every bridge. I figured, if people could not stay close to me, then I would not be devastated when they died.
I still don't know how they stand by me. I have redeemed myself in many ways. I am not the person I was back then. I have worked very hard to make a life for myself, and I am proud of the way things have turned out. I know that many people did not expect me to turn out well, so it is a plus.
It has been hard, but over the years I let down my guard with my adopted family, and allowed them into my heart. They were more than willing to accept me. I was not so willing to trust.
Trust has been an issue always.
But I am learning to trust, and take chances. And now that I have, someone dies, that I loved. Again. I am lost.
It doesn't get any more real than this.
Matthew, call me.