Update
I know it's been a long, long time. My life is so much different now..so much has changed. I wondered if I could come back to this journal and be recognizable anymore.
David and I just celebrated our 7 month anniversary. It has not been easy..in fact..there's been times where I thought we wouldn't make it. Two bipolars = combustion. David has the more severe form and it took some bargaining..almost begging his doctor to do something because I felt his regimen wasn't covering all the bases. Well..in October we added a miracle drug to his cocktail and we have been 99.9% "pain-in-the-ass" free. His most severe symptom was bipolar obsession and agitation..and that's gone now..but he still retains his personality. I have learned a lot from him..so much. I have more understanding than ever for myself and other people who have mental disorders. I know when it's Dave talking and when it's his illness. I know when he's just being an ass or if he's manic. I get it a lot more than I ever thought I would.
Before we got that under control I was concerned. Not for my safety but for David's. I could easily have seen him getting agitated enough to do something stupid to someone else or even himself..because of this huge surge of hormones and adrenaline. I get that myself..but it's a little easier for me to control it than it is for him. Although..I made an ass out of myself with Lisa before Christmas...and lost my temper. Do we need to rehash the fact that I lost my shit? Nah.
Suffice it to say we have a good relationship with Dave's psychiatrist and we are working hard to make him more independent. I mean..he is definitely an independent guy but he is used to people doing a lot of stuff for him because they assume he can't..and how insulting is that? So he let them. Typical guy.
I lost my job in August. I'll talk more about that later. But they laid off 130 people and I was one of them. Things have been incredibly difficult for me since then but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Christmas was tight and we owe a lot of money to people because we have $1400 less coming in a month than we're used to. I am doing my part time gig there..but nothing else has come out the woodwork yet. They are working me full time..but I do not have medical benefits now..and haven't for 4 months.
David and I decided not to get married..I should add that. I do not think we are meant to be married. So we're not going to.....
Jackie is doing well. She is mildly interested in David and gives him a hard time occasionally because she can. She was used to me being alone for 6 years so me being in a relationship and adding to our family was hard for her to deal with at first. She's sort of come around but as far as he's concerned..he hasn't totally won her over yet. She's not easy and she won't make it easy for him either.
Since I still write in my other blog..I'd like to add what I wrote the other day. I must say though that I was having a crappy day and was feeling very negative..so forgive me if I sounded like a jerk:
I really don't want to write at all..I'm sort of having a bad day. This entire weekend..I felt like shit..didn't want to do shit..just generally...shit ruled.
Lisa and I worked everything out. Besides all my furious posting to my "haters" (LOL), I wrote in a paper journal. I just now decided though that I don't even like that journal and what I wrote in it was painful.so I think I'm going to throw that SOB away.
I don't know what I'd do without Lisa. We have been through a lot of shit and I get really angry at her every once in a while..as I know she gets at me too...and you know..we have worked too damn hard at all of this to give it up.
I still need to work on how I show people I love them....
I think my ma is pissed at me. Jackie was maybe going to spend some time with her after Christmas but I never called ma. I feel bad. I got nothing to say in my own defense.
Christmas is over. I am glad. Too much stress..every freaking year. And I'm that girl that starts preparing in August!
David and I have had almost 3 months of relative good things going on but the last 3 days he's been driving me apeshit. One of the glorious symptoms of bipolar disorder is obsession..and he has run the gamut of things to get obsessed about since Christmas. First it was trips to the "Adult Bookstore"..and he ran hella gas out of our car. I'm surprised they didn't make him a friggin VIP as much as he was up there. When it became clear that I don't need smut on a daily nor weekly basis he moved on to spending mad cash on lottery tickets. Every time I sent him somewhere with money I didn't get any change back because the fucker spent it on lottery tickets. He still thinks he's gonna hit the bigtime. Lately it's been calling the bill collectors like they are his long lost love and making imaginary payment arrangements with them. The most recent thing is his newfound boner for a guitar. Dude has bad hand/eye coordination and he wants a guitar. Do I need to go there? When I said not just "no" but "hell no"..he sideswiped me a few days later and told me he was going to get Jackie a guitar. COOL! But then it became obvious that Jackie really doesn't want one so why buy one..and he hit the roof this morning.
I called the only person that understands him better than me.and that's his ma. Reaching out to his ma is hard but I had to have someone to talk to that would not be hard on Dave. This is not about growing up or letting go of a fantasy of being "Slash" from GNR. It's about the fact that when Dave's manic he gets obsessed and drives absolutely everyone in his orbit completely apeshit.
Ma sympathized. We realized however..that there may be no way to stop him so I'm just going to let him be alone with his buyer's remorse which should happen in about 5 days. It's not my credit..it's his..and I'm not paying for the bitch so this is totally his baby.
I love my boyfriend. I have not mentioned..we decided not to get married. I don't think David totally understands the concept of marriage and I am not one to want to be married and divorced multiple times before getting it right. I do understand that this is as good as it gets. I do enjoy my life with David and enjoy him as a person and have learned a lot from him. But I do not think he is capable of monagamy. I'm not sure he'd physically go out and cheat but then...do we ever have a guarantee?
As far as my job situation..it has not gotten better. I am so thankful for the ability to pay our basic bills but we are so tight right now and sometimes I worry about keeping the lights on and keeping food in the house. As it is we are late on a few things and if I don't update for a while it's because they turned off my internet connection for failure to pay the bill.
I know this is all temporary and I'm trying hard to stay positive. It just seems that my life is so stationary right now and I'm lacking a lot of the passion I had for life earlier in the year. I just do not exist in a place in my life where I feel good right now. So...I keep it to myself. I owed my diary and update however..so here it is.
*******************************************************************
Things certainly look better in the daylight. That is the Gods honest truth!
David and I just celebrated our 7 month anniversary. It has not been easy..in fact..there's been times where I thought we wouldn't make it. Two bipolars = combustion. David has the more severe form and it took some bargaining..almost begging his doctor to do something because I felt his regimen wasn't covering all the bases. Well..in October we added a miracle drug to his cocktail and we have been 99.9% "pain-in-the-ass" free. His most severe symptom was bipolar obsession and agitation..and that's gone now..but he still retains his personality. I have learned a lot from him..so much. I have more understanding than ever for myself and other people who have mental disorders. I know when it's Dave talking and when it's his illness. I know when he's just being an ass or if he's manic. I get it a lot more than I ever thought I would.
Before we got that under control I was concerned. Not for my safety but for David's. I could easily have seen him getting agitated enough to do something stupid to someone else or even himself..because of this huge surge of hormones and adrenaline. I get that myself..but it's a little easier for me to control it than it is for him. Although..I made an ass out of myself with Lisa before Christmas...and lost my temper. Do we need to rehash the fact that I lost my shit? Nah.
Suffice it to say we have a good relationship with Dave's psychiatrist and we are working hard to make him more independent. I mean..he is definitely an independent guy but he is used to people doing a lot of stuff for him because they assume he can't..and how insulting is that? So he let them. Typical guy.
I lost my job in August. I'll talk more about that later. But they laid off 130 people and I was one of them. Things have been incredibly difficult for me since then but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Christmas was tight and we owe a lot of money to people because we have $1400 less coming in a month than we're used to. I am doing my part time gig there..but nothing else has come out the woodwork yet. They are working me full time..but I do not have medical benefits now..and haven't for 4 months.
David and I decided not to get married..I should add that. I do not think we are meant to be married. So we're not going to.....
Jackie is doing well. She is mildly interested in David and gives him a hard time occasionally because she can. She was used to me being alone for 6 years so me being in a relationship and adding to our family was hard for her to deal with at first. She's sort of come around but as far as he's concerned..he hasn't totally won her over yet. She's not easy and she won't make it easy for him either.
Since I still write in my other blog..I'd like to add what I wrote the other day. I must say though that I was having a crappy day and was feeling very negative..so forgive me if I sounded like a jerk:
I really don't want to write at all..I'm sort of having a bad day. This entire weekend..I felt like shit..didn't want to do shit..just generally...shit ruled.
Lisa and I worked everything out. Besides all my furious posting to my "haters" (LOL), I wrote in a paper journal. I just now decided though that I don't even like that journal and what I wrote in it was painful.so I think I'm going to throw that SOB away.
I don't know what I'd do without Lisa. We have been through a lot of shit and I get really angry at her every once in a while..as I know she gets at me too...and you know..we have worked too damn hard at all of this to give it up.
I still need to work on how I show people I love them....
I think my ma is pissed at me. Jackie was maybe going to spend some time with her after Christmas but I never called ma. I feel bad. I got nothing to say in my own defense.
Christmas is over. I am glad. Too much stress..every freaking year. And I'm that girl that starts preparing in August!
David and I have had almost 3 months of relative good things going on but the last 3 days he's been driving me apeshit. One of the glorious symptoms of bipolar disorder is obsession..and he has run the gamut of things to get obsessed about since Christmas. First it was trips to the "Adult Bookstore"..and he ran hella gas out of our car. I'm surprised they didn't make him a friggin VIP as much as he was up there. When it became clear that I don't need smut on a daily nor weekly basis he moved on to spending mad cash on lottery tickets. Every time I sent him somewhere with money I didn't get any change back because the fucker spent it on lottery tickets. He still thinks he's gonna hit the bigtime. Lately it's been calling the bill collectors like they are his long lost love and making imaginary payment arrangements with them. The most recent thing is his newfound boner for a guitar. Dude has bad hand/eye coordination and he wants a guitar. Do I need to go there? When I said not just "no" but "hell no"..he sideswiped me a few days later and told me he was going to get Jackie a guitar. COOL! But then it became obvious that Jackie really doesn't want one so why buy one..and he hit the roof this morning.
I called the only person that understands him better than me.and that's his ma. Reaching out to his ma is hard but I had to have someone to talk to that would not be hard on Dave. This is not about growing up or letting go of a fantasy of being "Slash" from GNR. It's about the fact that when Dave's manic he gets obsessed and drives absolutely everyone in his orbit completely apeshit.
Ma sympathized. We realized however..that there may be no way to stop him so I'm just going to let him be alone with his buyer's remorse which should happen in about 5 days. It's not my credit..it's his..and I'm not paying for the bitch so this is totally his baby.
I love my boyfriend. I have not mentioned..we decided not to get married. I don't think David totally understands the concept of marriage and I am not one to want to be married and divorced multiple times before getting it right. I do understand that this is as good as it gets. I do enjoy my life with David and enjoy him as a person and have learned a lot from him. But I do not think he is capable of monagamy. I'm not sure he'd physically go out and cheat but then...do we ever have a guarantee?
As far as my job situation..it has not gotten better. I am so thankful for the ability to pay our basic bills but we are so tight right now and sometimes I worry about keeping the lights on and keeping food in the house. As it is we are late on a few things and if I don't update for a while it's because they turned off my internet connection for failure to pay the bill.
I know this is all temporary and I'm trying hard to stay positive. It just seems that my life is so stationary right now and I'm lacking a lot of the passion I had for life earlier in the year. I just do not exist in a place in my life where I feel good right now. So...I keep it to myself. I owed my diary and update however..so here it is.
*******************************************************************
Things certainly look better in the daylight. That is the Gods honest truth!