been a while
it's been a long time since i've been on here to write but i don't want a phsyical copy on how crappy i feel. i usually write on paper and decide if i wanna give it to my hubby or just toss it if i figured out what i was upset about. so since the last post in, oh.. i guess 2005ish, i've gotten married, had 3 kids, and became a stay at home mom/ professional artist. and i say professional very loosely, but it's accurate. i technically make a 'living' off the money from paintings, prints, and crafts. i feel like i should be grateful for the life i have, but i feel incomplete. i've had a lot of time to ponder it and i think i figured out what's bothering me. i feel alone. even being married, with 3 kids under 5, and constant family around, i don't have a connection that i can just get things off my chest or speak my mind without holding back or being shut down by someone else. i have one friend that i can talk to, but i feel he is a bit biased when it comes to me which i noticed makes me recant whatever i'm saying and start defending myself and actions.
my hubby is very hard to talk to. he's very nonchalant when i'm trying to talk to him but plays it off as a joke, but if i call him on it, then i'm the one overreacting. i've looked it up some and it seems it's a manipulating technique to turn things around to distract you from the issue. he does it quite often i notice. usually, he just says that i'm the hard one to talk to. that i make up my mind on the spot and won't change it. anyone that knows me, i'm one of the most open minded people you'll ever meet, plus a bit of a pushover. if i have a suggestion, i'll let you know, but that's about it. i've just gotten so worn out with this marriage, i didn't exepect it to be a fairytale ending, but i feel its just so much work i'm trying to put into it for mediocre responses, quick tempers, and to be ignored. he likes to tell me that he's always thinking of me, he adores me, etc. but his actions don't show it. i literally feel like a roomate that's raising our kids together with sex on the weekends. he makes me feel like i'm the freeloader for staying home to care for the kids, even though he's never said it, that's how i feel. it's like nothing is good enough no matter how much i try. this is how my week goes, and it is my perspective so i know it'll sound very one-sided. monday through friday i get up at 7 to get my son ready for school at 8. there are some days i am just completely worn out cuz the baby has been up all night (so i was too) but my hubby makes a huge deal about how tired he is and he has to work in a few hours and now cuz i woke him, he's gonna have migranes which leads to the shittiest day ever. so i suck it up and take my son to school, come back and sometimes i'll try to get some sleep before my 2 girls wake. throughout the day i'll clean, wash, cook, and if i have time, work on a painting to sell. cuz we only have one truck, that my hubby takes to work, i walk to pick up my son from school at 3. it's not far, takes me 15 min to get there and sometimes my buddy with walk with me if i have to bring the girls. after we get home, i help with homework, clean more (there is always something to organize/ purge in this house), begin dinner if i don't have children starting a war in the next room. when hubby comes home, he works on the computer (for work) and i'll try my best not to let the kids interrupt him. he has a very lenient schedule, as long as the work is done he can go in when he wants. lately, he's been going in late like at 1030/11ish and coming home after 7/730ish, working on computer is another 30 min or so. by the time he's done, i'm feeding the kids late cuz i'm trying to keep them occupied instead of cooking, starting to run the bath for them after dinner, trying to keep the baby from grabbing their food (she's learned how to stand and climb), bathe kids, and get them in the bedroom for a book or movie by 830, asleep by 930 at the latest. sometimes he does the bath or puts them to bed, but by the end of the day i'm beat and i've been falling asleep with them. on the weekends my mom in law usually takes the 2 older kids so i can work on art but now that the baby is very mobile, it's hard to stay focused when i'm constantly having to keep an eye on her. i'm definitely not getting much work done lately.
he's says he's feeling like we spend no time together and he's right, we're not. i'm too tired and have no energy to watch the baby while you play destiny online with your friends until we go to sleep. i have nothing against him video games, i was raised one them! but he has hardcore tunnel vision when he starts playing. i know it's playing live so there's no pause but don't start a mission if you know you're needed, or have a fussy baby, or might be needed at a moments notice. and then he gets mad if he is interrupted cuz baby has pulled all the movies from the shelf or hurt herself. he's like, 'hello, wife? why aren't you watching the baby? what are you doing that's so important that it's taken your attention away and i have to deal with the baby now?' usually, it's cuz i've started painting or drawing. not having a 9 to 5 job (a paying job really) does put a bit of stress on us financially, but after crunching numbers i decided that if i was gonna be working a full time job just to pay for daycare (it's expensive!!), i'd rather just stay home with the kids myself. i think it's a great sacrifice! before the kids, i was a total workaholic! i guess i still am, but now i'm not getting paid for it. so to help out and get some extra spending money i started a small 'business' drawing, painting, sewing, crafting, and selling prints. i sell my videogame art at stores and collect a cut every month or people can go directly through me. either way, it's money coming in. my hubby is trying to encourage me to have a bigger inventory. i gotta tell you, i have a lot! i have about 40 individual prints, plus the 75 pokemon chalk (it's only half of them), plus the the paintings i've made and sold. it's a lot, usually not even established artists have this many seperate pieces. and i still keep going cuz it's fun. drawing has always been an escape for me and i'm still learning lots about painting that's constantly giving me new ideas. so after kids are down, if i'm up for it, i'll start 'working' cuz hubby feels i should be trying to make more money to help financially. i'm very much the penny pincher. i will wait for sales to buy something i want or need and i'll still have buyer's remorse. so it's a bit frustrating that he wants me to help out when he's the big spender. although we're not constantly buying games, we are collectors, so occasionally we'll spend some on a figure or collectible. what frustrates me is that he acts like a penny pincher with me, well, me and the kids. since he started working again and now has money to spend, he's been buying breakfast everyday. fine, but if i asked him if he could bring home something for dinner he says he is trying to save the money. sure, no problem, i understand. then the next day he tells me how he got tacos for breakfast, plus tacos for a friend, and tacos and snacks for another. really?! you can't spend the money to bring food for your family, but you can take everyone else food and drinks? oh, and the next day you just happen to find a bunch of figures we don't have yet so you also bought those before they got sold out. i just wish i wasn't always the afterthought for scraping money together to get a burger for. it hurts. everyone is higher on his radar than me. when i get his attention, it's cuz he's in the mood or to tell me a new project i can do for more money. i want more 'i just wanna sit with you' moments.
the more i think of it, the more it depresses me. and not like 'oh, there's no hope' emo type depression, it's more like a 'i'm tired of trying and i just don't wanna care anymore'. it's times like this i'm pretty sure we're not gonna last. i mean, i'd love to repair our relationship and overcome the hurdle, it's just wearing me down. i don't want the rest of life to be like this, but after 7 years of it generally being the same fights over the same thing, his temper running hot n cold on me, the inability to talk without getting into an argument, and just fighting for his general attention, i'm just kinda numb. it shouldn't be this hard to feel loved by your partner. i've told him i wanted to go to counseling for myself and he supports me, but he doesn't think we're in such a bad spot that i need it. although i do try to hide my feelings, i'm pretty easy to read. if he doesn't see it, it's cuz he doesn't want to. and that's ok to me. it's just one more reason why we should split. in the beginning of dating he was able to pick up my emotions real fast, and that was over the phone. now i can literally be crying in the corner of the couch and he won't even look up or ask. the first year of our marriage we hit a big bump that almost caused us to split, but we didn't. we fixed it, paved over it, and moved on and never looked back. but this is something else. he says he didn't fight so hard to keep me to split up, that we're in it for the long haul. i'm just not sure i am. again, if we work it out, great, but i feel like i'm dragging behind and he's not looking back. instead, he's strutting though and leaving a trail for me to follow. why not stop and check how i'm doing, see if i need help, or go back and walk with me- hand in hand. i'm not that afraid to lose him (i think) but if i fall behind enough, maybe he'll keep going and move on without me.
my hubby is very hard to talk to. he's very nonchalant when i'm trying to talk to him but plays it off as a joke, but if i call him on it, then i'm the one overreacting. i've looked it up some and it seems it's a manipulating technique to turn things around to distract you from the issue. he does it quite often i notice. usually, he just says that i'm the hard one to talk to. that i make up my mind on the spot and won't change it. anyone that knows me, i'm one of the most open minded people you'll ever meet, plus a bit of a pushover. if i have a suggestion, i'll let you know, but that's about it. i've just gotten so worn out with this marriage, i didn't exepect it to be a fairytale ending, but i feel its just so much work i'm trying to put into it for mediocre responses, quick tempers, and to be ignored. he likes to tell me that he's always thinking of me, he adores me, etc. but his actions don't show it. i literally feel like a roomate that's raising our kids together with sex on the weekends. he makes me feel like i'm the freeloader for staying home to care for the kids, even though he's never said it, that's how i feel. it's like nothing is good enough no matter how much i try. this is how my week goes, and it is my perspective so i know it'll sound very one-sided. monday through friday i get up at 7 to get my son ready for school at 8. there are some days i am just completely worn out cuz the baby has been up all night (so i was too) but my hubby makes a huge deal about how tired he is and he has to work in a few hours and now cuz i woke him, he's gonna have migranes which leads to the shittiest day ever. so i suck it up and take my son to school, come back and sometimes i'll try to get some sleep before my 2 girls wake. throughout the day i'll clean, wash, cook, and if i have time, work on a painting to sell. cuz we only have one truck, that my hubby takes to work, i walk to pick up my son from school at 3. it's not far, takes me 15 min to get there and sometimes my buddy with walk with me if i have to bring the girls. after we get home, i help with homework, clean more (there is always something to organize/ purge in this house), begin dinner if i don't have children starting a war in the next room. when hubby comes home, he works on the computer (for work) and i'll try my best not to let the kids interrupt him. he has a very lenient schedule, as long as the work is done he can go in when he wants. lately, he's been going in late like at 1030/11ish and coming home after 7/730ish, working on computer is another 30 min or so. by the time he's done, i'm feeding the kids late cuz i'm trying to keep them occupied instead of cooking, starting to run the bath for them after dinner, trying to keep the baby from grabbing their food (she's learned how to stand and climb), bathe kids, and get them in the bedroom for a book or movie by 830, asleep by 930 at the latest. sometimes he does the bath or puts them to bed, but by the end of the day i'm beat and i've been falling asleep with them. on the weekends my mom in law usually takes the 2 older kids so i can work on art but now that the baby is very mobile, it's hard to stay focused when i'm constantly having to keep an eye on her. i'm definitely not getting much work done lately.
he's says he's feeling like we spend no time together and he's right, we're not. i'm too tired and have no energy to watch the baby while you play destiny online with your friends until we go to sleep. i have nothing against him video games, i was raised one them! but he has hardcore tunnel vision when he starts playing. i know it's playing live so there's no pause but don't start a mission if you know you're needed, or have a fussy baby, or might be needed at a moments notice. and then he gets mad if he is interrupted cuz baby has pulled all the movies from the shelf or hurt herself. he's like, 'hello, wife? why aren't you watching the baby? what are you doing that's so important that it's taken your attention away and i have to deal with the baby now?' usually, it's cuz i've started painting or drawing. not having a 9 to 5 job (a paying job really) does put a bit of stress on us financially, but after crunching numbers i decided that if i was gonna be working a full time job just to pay for daycare (it's expensive!!), i'd rather just stay home with the kids myself. i think it's a great sacrifice! before the kids, i was a total workaholic! i guess i still am, but now i'm not getting paid for it. so to help out and get some extra spending money i started a small 'business' drawing, painting, sewing, crafting, and selling prints. i sell my videogame art at stores and collect a cut every month or people can go directly through me. either way, it's money coming in. my hubby is trying to encourage me to have a bigger inventory. i gotta tell you, i have a lot! i have about 40 individual prints, plus the 75 pokemon chalk (it's only half of them), plus the the paintings i've made and sold. it's a lot, usually not even established artists have this many seperate pieces. and i still keep going cuz it's fun. drawing has always been an escape for me and i'm still learning lots about painting that's constantly giving me new ideas. so after kids are down, if i'm up for it, i'll start 'working' cuz hubby feels i should be trying to make more money to help financially. i'm very much the penny pincher. i will wait for sales to buy something i want or need and i'll still have buyer's remorse. so it's a bit frustrating that he wants me to help out when he's the big spender. although we're not constantly buying games, we are collectors, so occasionally we'll spend some on a figure or collectible. what frustrates me is that he acts like a penny pincher with me, well, me and the kids. since he started working again and now has money to spend, he's been buying breakfast everyday. fine, but if i asked him if he could bring home something for dinner he says he is trying to save the money. sure, no problem, i understand. then the next day he tells me how he got tacos for breakfast, plus tacos for a friend, and tacos and snacks for another. really?! you can't spend the money to bring food for your family, but you can take everyone else food and drinks? oh, and the next day you just happen to find a bunch of figures we don't have yet so you also bought those before they got sold out. i just wish i wasn't always the afterthought for scraping money together to get a burger for. it hurts. everyone is higher on his radar than me. when i get his attention, it's cuz he's in the mood or to tell me a new project i can do for more money. i want more 'i just wanna sit with you' moments.
the more i think of it, the more it depresses me. and not like 'oh, there's no hope' emo type depression, it's more like a 'i'm tired of trying and i just don't wanna care anymore'. it's times like this i'm pretty sure we're not gonna last. i mean, i'd love to repair our relationship and overcome the hurdle, it's just wearing me down. i don't want the rest of life to be like this, but after 7 years of it generally being the same fights over the same thing, his temper running hot n cold on me, the inability to talk without getting into an argument, and just fighting for his general attention, i'm just kinda numb. it shouldn't be this hard to feel loved by your partner. i've told him i wanted to go to counseling for myself and he supports me, but he doesn't think we're in such a bad spot that i need it. although i do try to hide my feelings, i'm pretty easy to read. if he doesn't see it, it's cuz he doesn't want to. and that's ok to me. it's just one more reason why we should split. in the beginning of dating he was able to pick up my emotions real fast, and that was over the phone. now i can literally be crying in the corner of the couch and he won't even look up or ask. the first year of our marriage we hit a big bump that almost caused us to split, but we didn't. we fixed it, paved over it, and moved on and never looked back. but this is something else. he says he didn't fight so hard to keep me to split up, that we're in it for the long haul. i'm just not sure i am. again, if we work it out, great, but i feel like i'm dragging behind and he's not looking back. instead, he's strutting though and leaving a trail for me to follow. why not stop and check how i'm doing, see if i need help, or go back and walk with me- hand in hand. i'm not that afraid to lose him (i think) but if i fall behind enough, maybe he'll keep going and move on without me.