Some thoughts on men and love
So, another relationship has come to an end. So what, right? Life goes on?
Well I've been thinking a lot lately. This recent one hasn't exactly been smooth sailing in its good moments. I was so incredibly in love with this person that I was forgiving and I practically let myself be walked on. Don't get me wrong - I did talk about it with him. I did tell him what bothered me and that I wanted him to change that aspect. And sometimes, at least for the short term, he complied... or at least accepted that I was right and then he profusely apologised. But he never changed. I guess I never expected him to - people don't change unless they want to. I thought, perhaps, that I would grow strong enough in myself to accept that without feeling slighted.
Perhaps I, in and of myself, am not enough to motivate someone to change. Perhaps I'm not the "catch". I'm not anywhere near perfect. More importantly, in terms of men, my physical appearance is not exactly smashing. Don't get me wrong - I think I'm beautiful and intelligent and incredibly blessed for being me - symmetrical, able-bodied, etc. But if a thin, confident, woman were to pass along, I'd be no competition. At least for most men I know.
Perhaps I am in the wrong crowd?
This whole experience has got me looking elsewhere for relationships. I recently signed up for eHarmony.com and while I like the idea of being matched on personality traits, I haven't yet found someone I'm really into through that site. Not that I'm looking too seriously either. But I'm just curious because the site offers something that is incredibly time consuming and seemingly impossible in real life - it filters people for you. It was tempting. I renewed my membership so now I have it for the year. We'll see what happens.
I don't think I'm unattractive, per se, but I think that there are too many alternatives for people out there. Don't like working for anything? No problem! Just move onto the next thing - make it easier on yourself! No effort required! Marriage on the rocks? Just get a divorce! It's cheap, too! Only $300 if you call the number from the ad on the bus stops!
So I started looking to another facet of compatibility - the Zodiac. No, I don't really truly believe it, but I think it's interesting to see patterns observed over the years. And I think there IS some truth in what was observed for thousands of years. For whatever reason, there are some truths in the Zodiac, in my humble opinion.
But back to my train of thought: Is there ever really a truly compatible person for you? It just seems kind of impossible to me to find someone who has similar and compatible life goals, moral values, financial goals, zodiac compatibility, humour, relationship goals, complementary personality traits, etc. AND still be interested in you how you are despite your body or vices.
I mean, why does it seem like I'm always the one trying so hard in a relationship?
Men like the chase. This I know to be true. But when they've finally won you over and you try to show them appreciation (either consciously or otherwise), they lose interest?
Why are people prone to cheating? I'm not impervious to it, myself, I have to shamefully admit. Why can't we be happy with people's imperfections?
Perhaps there's too much choice out there? We're like infants in a toy store - we can't be bothered with one toy too long while there is a whole selection just waiting to be held and played with. Perhaps we have to be used and go through several people before we finally understand what we can and cannot live with?
Within the past year especially, I've become bi-curious. I'm not attracted to women, per se, although I do really appreciate their human form, but I keep wondering whether women are better able to express their love and communicate their needs better. Not all men are bad at it, mind you, but perhaps women are better able to deal with other women because they know what they themselves need?
That being said, I find it interesting that most of my friends are men. I generally don't get along with women. I also don't think I'm lesbian.
I was thinking recently that perhaps if I'd've had more female friends to complain about my relationships with, that perhaps I'd be better off. I need another woman reinforcing what I know to be true for me (i.e. that I shouldn't waste my time with guy A, or that I deserve better than how guy B is treating me, or that I should maybe try guy C [or perhaps to have fun with without thinking about guys at all]).
One thing is clear to me. I need to be stronger in myself. As with any other major revelation and heartbreak, I need to find my footing again. I need to convince myself of my self worth. I need to love myself again.
Perhaps the reason I'm not really satisfied with what I've found yet is because I don't really love myself - so how can anyone else love me?
P.S. I hate the media.
end-rant.
Well I've been thinking a lot lately. This recent one hasn't exactly been smooth sailing in its good moments. I was so incredibly in love with this person that I was forgiving and I practically let myself be walked on. Don't get me wrong - I did talk about it with him. I did tell him what bothered me and that I wanted him to change that aspect. And sometimes, at least for the short term, he complied... or at least accepted that I was right and then he profusely apologised. But he never changed. I guess I never expected him to - people don't change unless they want to. I thought, perhaps, that I would grow strong enough in myself to accept that without feeling slighted.
Perhaps I, in and of myself, am not enough to motivate someone to change. Perhaps I'm not the "catch". I'm not anywhere near perfect. More importantly, in terms of men, my physical appearance is not exactly smashing. Don't get me wrong - I think I'm beautiful and intelligent and incredibly blessed for being me - symmetrical, able-bodied, etc. But if a thin, confident, woman were to pass along, I'd be no competition. At least for most men I know.
Perhaps I am in the wrong crowd?
This whole experience has got me looking elsewhere for relationships. I recently signed up for eHarmony.com and while I like the idea of being matched on personality traits, I haven't yet found someone I'm really into through that site. Not that I'm looking too seriously either. But I'm just curious because the site offers something that is incredibly time consuming and seemingly impossible in real life - it filters people for you. It was tempting. I renewed my membership so now I have it for the year. We'll see what happens.
I don't think I'm unattractive, per se, but I think that there are too many alternatives for people out there. Don't like working for anything? No problem! Just move onto the next thing - make it easier on yourself! No effort required! Marriage on the rocks? Just get a divorce! It's cheap, too! Only $300 if you call the number from the ad on the bus stops!
So I started looking to another facet of compatibility - the Zodiac. No, I don't really truly believe it, but I think it's interesting to see patterns observed over the years. And I think there IS some truth in what was observed for thousands of years. For whatever reason, there are some truths in the Zodiac, in my humble opinion.
But back to my train of thought: Is there ever really a truly compatible person for you? It just seems kind of impossible to me to find someone who has similar and compatible life goals, moral values, financial goals, zodiac compatibility, humour, relationship goals, complementary personality traits, etc. AND still be interested in you how you are despite your body or vices.
I mean, why does it seem like I'm always the one trying so hard in a relationship?
Men like the chase. This I know to be true. But when they've finally won you over and you try to show them appreciation (either consciously or otherwise), they lose interest?
Why are people prone to cheating? I'm not impervious to it, myself, I have to shamefully admit. Why can't we be happy with people's imperfections?
Perhaps there's too much choice out there? We're like infants in a toy store - we can't be bothered with one toy too long while there is a whole selection just waiting to be held and played with. Perhaps we have to be used and go through several people before we finally understand what we can and cannot live with?
Within the past year especially, I've become bi-curious. I'm not attracted to women, per se, although I do really appreciate their human form, but I keep wondering whether women are better able to express their love and communicate their needs better. Not all men are bad at it, mind you, but perhaps women are better able to deal with other women because they know what they themselves need?
That being said, I find it interesting that most of my friends are men. I generally don't get along with women. I also don't think I'm lesbian.
I was thinking recently that perhaps if I'd've had more female friends to complain about my relationships with, that perhaps I'd be better off. I need another woman reinforcing what I know to be true for me (i.e. that I shouldn't waste my time with guy A, or that I deserve better than how guy B is treating me, or that I should maybe try guy C [or perhaps to have fun with without thinking about guys at all]).
One thing is clear to me. I need to be stronger in myself. As with any other major revelation and heartbreak, I need to find my footing again. I need to convince myself of my self worth. I need to love myself again.
Perhaps the reason I'm not really satisfied with what I've found yet is because I don't really love myself - so how can anyone else love me?
P.S. I hate the media.
end-rant.