OK....Day of Clarity...
I went to the park today after class, and I just sat there for a while. It was a really really nice day, so I just felt like being outside. And there were little kids there and stuff, and I'm not usually a fan of kids, but I actually didn't mind them today. This little boy and girl were playing on the tire swing together, and I actually felt myself somewhat touched by this. I kept picturing them being friends forever. go figure. I'm a sap. But, what I'm trying to get to, is this great moment that came upon me as I sat there flicking ugly tree bugs off the bench. I started listening to this CD I made in like, 11th grade. And I decided to look through one of my actual journals, from 11th grade. And it took me back. Not to 11th grade itself, but just how I felt back then. Thats seriously, the time I remember feeling the most motivated and confident. I feel like a completely different person now. I feel sappy and wimpy and I've turned into someone who will down herself just to try and please everyone. And in the end, that only ends up hurting everyone. I had such confidence back then. I don't think I was cocky, but I was definately just like 'if you don't like me, fuck off'. And I kinda miss that. So basically, I want to go back to that. I was so focused...on school, on acting. I lost the ambition and drive in 12th grade, thanks to a nameless bitch in sophisticats that year. All she did was try to bring me down because she didn't work as hard as I did and was pissed because I got more praise for it. lol screw her, ya know, if she didn't want me to stick out so much, she should have worked harder. Some of those people that year, they really didn't care, it was just an extra cirricular activity that they could put on their college resume. Me? I cared. Something like that, thats what I want to do for the rest of my life. So its embarassing to look back on, that I let her get to me. But I did and thats how I started falling down. But today, it was like a fresh start. Opening this book and reading all these encouraging things I'd writen, it felt great. There is a star who motivates me and I think I will try and get back into that. To be good enough, like they did. It makes me just want to forget about the stupid petty things going on, and start looking towards the big picture. ya know? To go back and say screw the things that don't matter to what I'm going to be someday. They don't REALLY matter. They're just petty things that keep us occupied when we're bored. I AM going to make something of myself. Even if it doesn't end up being in movies. and Even if it doesn't end up happening until I'm in my 30's. I'm not striving to be an an actress right now. I mean look at shows now a days. The common age for women is 18-25. You turn 30 and your out of a job until you're old enough to play the grandma in tv movies. so while I wait for the tides of the entertainment industry to change, I'm going to work for what I want. I don't really care about even trying to please everyone. I'm definately bringing back that front from junior year. the one that says 'don't even try to make me pissed or sad, cuz I'll just laugh at you'. It was a good front back then, because I just wouldn't let anything get to me. I'm gonna do my best to get that feeling back. I'm going to do something with my life, I am going to be motivated again, and I will care again. Soon.
Night:-D
Night:-D