I bid thee farewell
Dearest grandmother,
Were you just a dream? Must it be as fast as a blink of an eye? It feels like the ground beneath my feet opened and so I fall. I keep falling and as I fall, a crack appears in my heart as I realize you will not be at the bottom to catch me. I close my eyes and I'm a little girl again. I'm standing in the doorway and you spread your arms for me to run to. We go to your room and you put on some of your perfume. Oh, that smell that I have always loved. It's time for dinner. I sit on your lap like I always do. Time fast-forwards and I've grown older. I'm sitting next to you. They say you have Alzheimer's…
"But you're smiling at me like you always have, your face glowing as ever…"
Days go by and your body starts to give up on you.
"But she won't forget me…" I think to myself.
I was wrong.
As the years race by, your fragile body sits on a wheelchair. Your glow is still there yet I can't help noticing it fading away. "Are you still there, Jadda Badra?" I ask. You hold my hand and smile. Hope finds its way back to my heart and I smile back with tears in my eyes. Not long after, your one and only love and my beloved grandfather falls sick and leaves this world. Even though you have forgotten your own children's names, your face gleams with tears and you call out "Abu Aa'del." maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you've forgotten this world. I'm afraid to think about how you would be feeling like if you had known that grandfather had passed on. Time fast-forwards again. I'm standing on stage in my high school graduation robe. You're not in the crowd but at least I know you're still here to witness me in one of life's glories. I visit your now impossibly quiet house. You're in your bed, sleeping like a baby. I kiss your forehead and tell you how much I love you, wondering if I had said it enough throughout the years. Three years later, December 22nd, 2011, my mum's birthday. I wake up to a knock on the door at 9:00 a.m. It's mum. I want to wish her a happy birthday but…
"Your grandmother passed away…" she drops the bomb.
Time stops.
I go blind for a few moments.
I feel myself walking back to my bed and start crying. I can't say goodbye because my little brother is sick and I have to stay home and take care of him. I can't go pray with everyone the next day either. I get news from Reem that the paramedics said you had died half an hour before anyone knew. The fact that you had died alone after nearly 7 years of illness stabs my soul like a flaming dagger. I mourn your death as my helpless body falls still.
Silence.
My feet finally touch the bottom. It was surprisingly soft. I come to a realization that you never truly left. I'll still see your glowing face in the full moon. I'll see your beauty in the flowers on the sidewalk everyday. Your elegance in the waving trees and I'll wave back. I'll feel your warm embrace in my jacket and I'll hear your sweet voice in my heart. So now I bid thee farewell. As hard as it may be, I bid thee farewell. You'll forever be in my heart. I still cry as I write this but the people in my life make me smile again. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine... Soon enough.
Your loving granddaughter,
Maha
Were you just a dream? Must it be as fast as a blink of an eye? It feels like the ground beneath my feet opened and so I fall. I keep falling and as I fall, a crack appears in my heart as I realize you will not be at the bottom to catch me. I close my eyes and I'm a little girl again. I'm standing in the doorway and you spread your arms for me to run to. We go to your room and you put on some of your perfume. Oh, that smell that I have always loved. It's time for dinner. I sit on your lap like I always do. Time fast-forwards and I've grown older. I'm sitting next to you. They say you have Alzheimer's…
"But you're smiling at me like you always have, your face glowing as ever…"
Days go by and your body starts to give up on you.
"But she won't forget me…" I think to myself.
I was wrong.
As the years race by, your fragile body sits on a wheelchair. Your glow is still there yet I can't help noticing it fading away. "Are you still there, Jadda Badra?" I ask. You hold my hand and smile. Hope finds its way back to my heart and I smile back with tears in my eyes. Not long after, your one and only love and my beloved grandfather falls sick and leaves this world. Even though you have forgotten your own children's names, your face gleams with tears and you call out "Abu Aa'del." maybe it was a blessing in disguise that you've forgotten this world. I'm afraid to think about how you would be feeling like if you had known that grandfather had passed on. Time fast-forwards again. I'm standing on stage in my high school graduation robe. You're not in the crowd but at least I know you're still here to witness me in one of life's glories. I visit your now impossibly quiet house. You're in your bed, sleeping like a baby. I kiss your forehead and tell you how much I love you, wondering if I had said it enough throughout the years. Three years later, December 22nd, 2011, my mum's birthday. I wake up to a knock on the door at 9:00 a.m. It's mum. I want to wish her a happy birthday but…
"Your grandmother passed away…" she drops the bomb.
Time stops.
I go blind for a few moments.
I feel myself walking back to my bed and start crying. I can't say goodbye because my little brother is sick and I have to stay home and take care of him. I can't go pray with everyone the next day either. I get news from Reem that the paramedics said you had died half an hour before anyone knew. The fact that you had died alone after nearly 7 years of illness stabs my soul like a flaming dagger. I mourn your death as my helpless body falls still.
Silence.
My feet finally touch the bottom. It was surprisingly soft. I come to a realization that you never truly left. I'll still see your glowing face in the full moon. I'll see your beauty in the flowers on the sidewalk everyday. Your elegance in the waving trees and I'll wave back. I'll feel your warm embrace in my jacket and I'll hear your sweet voice in my heart. So now I bid thee farewell. As hard as it may be, I bid thee farewell. You'll forever be in my heart. I still cry as I write this but the people in my life make me smile again. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine... Soon enough.
Your loving granddaughter,
Maha