Not your traditional fanfic
I found something very funny stored away in my files for quite some time. Its a sort of...fanfic, that me and Kyle wrote one night when we were extremely hyper, and sent it to Danielle and Tanya as a joke. We read it again today and it still holds its humor. Read it, its funny. Oh! And if you figure out where the fic actual takes place, I'll give ya a cookie.
Dagger walked silently around the castle. She was thinking about her soon-to-come-true marriage with Zidane. He recently went away with his friends for a vacation, said he needed time with the guys before the big tie. She had said “I hope you weren’t intending to go back to old habits and kidnap any other princess!” The thought made her laugh again.
She looked out the window, and saw Amarant. ‘Hm, whats he doing here,’ she thought. The sun shone on his muscular body and was shiny with sweat. His dark features made him appealing. She noticed in the first time, however, that he had a red round nose...but he was still great looking. Looking at Amarant, she began to feel woozy....
"Dagger!"
She spun around quickly, breathing rapidly. It was Vivi that called her name.
"Yes Vivi?” she spoke, breathing heavily, "what is it?"
"I wanted you to play Tetra Master with me," he said holding a pack of cards.
"Ok, let’s go to my room." She took one last look at Amarant before she walked away.
They got to her room and she laid down on her bed quickly while Vivi set up the game. Suddenly there is a flash of light in her mirror over her vanity.
"What is that??" Vivi asked.
"I dont know, lets see."
She walked up to the mirror and was quickly sucked in! Vivi jump in after her, falling to the ground of this… blue room. The room was endless, and there was a giant imprint near where they stood that said ‘Final Fantasy.’ There were circles on the ground around the imprint with weird symbols.
"What is this place?" Vivi asked.
"I have no idea." She walked over to one of the symbols. She stepped on the circle and suddenly was in another blue room! She saw what she thought was a woman, but realized, it was Kuja, his face turned away from her!
Even though he had attempted to harm her and her friends from before, she was happy to see him; after all, he did save them in the end. She began to run toward him, but suddenly she stopped. There was a claw drapped over Kuja’s shoulder and he seemed to be busy with something in front of him. She stepped closer...revealing that there was a cloaked man making out with him! The other man wore a long black cape and was using his claws to bring Kuja closer. She gasped! Kuja heard her and quickly turned around. The other man, took his cape and rubbed his face free of Kujas make-up.
"Dagger?" he questioned.
"K-Kuja...who is this?"
"This is my good friend...Vincent Valentine."
"O-oh...nice to meet you.."
"Yes," Vincent spoke "Fancy meeting you..."
"U-um...pardon me,” Dagger spoke, “but you seem to have some lipstick still on your lip."
Vincent licked his lips and made a cat sound.
Disturbed, Dagger ran back toward the circle on the ground and again was taking to the room with other circles. Vivi was gone.
"Oh no!" She said. "Where is Vivi??"
She quickly ran to another circle, hoping not to see anything else weird. Now however, she saw a giant, blue, furry tiger man. He was lying down on his back on the ground of this blue room with his hands behind his head to cushion it. He kept growling, but it didn’t seem like an angry or hurt growl. As she got closer, she saw a girl in pink. She had long brown braided hair, and had bangs that seems to defy gravity, and her face was near a spot on the blue tiger that didn’t seem appropriate. Her head was moving in an up and down motion.
"OH......Aeris.." the blue tiger said.
She stopped doing the head motion. "Yes, Kimarhi?"
"That…feel…good."
"Just wait till I get to your horn...!"
Dagger screamed and ran the opposite way! She ran smack into a little girl, and the two tripped over each other. The girl was dressed in a red robe with cute little pig-tails, and was carrying a basket with one arm tucked in.
In a deep...deep...manly voice, the girl said, "Excuse me!"
"Ooh!" Dagger said "My...what a deep voice you have"
"All the better to eat you I MEAN… scare people like you with. My name is Auron, what’s yours little lady?"
"..D-Dagger..."
"Hello, would you like me to assist you back to the main room?"
She paused a while......"Yeah..."
Suddenly she was back in the ‘main room.’ Vivi was finally there. He looked horrified. He came running up to Dagger and hugged her legs.
"Oh Dagger! It was horrible."
"Tell me" She said comfortingly.
"There was this old man, I think his name was Cid. He was using bad words like !@#$, and kiss my big hairy @%!^*. And @%&$ and #&**&%( and %&#*!!! AND ^*@#%* and
"Shut the fuck up!" Dagger yelled.
"Yeah that too."
She sighed "Why was he yelling?"
"There was this big FAT blue woman, trying to hump this red tiger with the tattoo Red 13 on his leg...I’m pretty sure that woman was your mother, the Queen."
"WHAT?? How?? Impossible!!" She was so stunned she passed out.
She awoke up to see people standing over her. A man with blondish hair in a brown trench stood over, along with a man in black, and a girl with blonde hair and a pink… dress?
"What are you doing here?" Dagger asked.
"Were waiting them to get finished with our equipment..." the girl in pink said.
"I wish they’d go a little faster." the man in black said.
"Shut up, chicken wuss. You’re no good in that room anyways." The man in the brown trench said to the man in black.
"Shut up, Seifer!"
"You shut up Squall!"
"Both of you stop it!" the girl said.
"YOU shut up Quistis!" Dagger yelled.
They all stare at her in silence..........
"You shut up!" Quistis yelled back.
Dagger got up sheepishly and went to the door the three were waiting outside of. She opened it...slowly...inside she saw!!!!!!!!!
< keep goin'....>
"ZIDANE!!! What are you doing here!??"
Zidane looked up at her from the bed. "Dagger!" he shrieked like a girl.
Dagger looked at the ground and saw a very big sword laying next to the bed where Zidane was laying.
"Zidane? Whose sword is that? It’s certainly not yours..."
"Uh...thats mine" a voice says from under the covers. A spikey, golden hair boy lifted the covers. He laid in the bed butt freaking naked...he wasn’t bad looking, little scrawny but-
"HEY! What’s going on here???" Dagger yelled.
"Well, Dagger, I dropped my keys to the castle in here...under the covers, and Cloud here was helping me find them."
"Naked??"
"It was getting hot in here...so we took off all our clothes." Cloud said.
"SHUT UP I HATE THAT SONG!" Dagger yelled. "You’ve never loved me, Zidane! I'll bet you haven’t been faithful to me at all! I KNEW you fell for Kuja! That gay bastard! Thats why he saved us! That’s why you went BACK for him!!!"
Dagger ram and left the room, with Zidane calling after her… Tears falling as she passed by the two men now naked, bended down on the floor, and the girl in pink (not anymore) with a whip in her hand.
Dagger stepped on the circle and went back to the main room. Her eyes closed, crying. How could Zidane do that to her? While she was thinking, she heard someone else in the room. She opened her eyes and saw Vivi making out with Eiko!
"NO!" She screamed. "This must be a dream! A nightmare!" She looked behind her and saw her room. That must be the way out! She ran toward it, but suddenly tripped over her own feet and landed on another circle......
A large breasted woman in a mini skirt and boxing gloves, a sorceress with a long black dress, and another woman dressed in belts were in this room. The large breasted woman was naked with the sorceress (who was also naked) being whipped by the woman with belts, with a belt. On the side of the group, a blond woman in a cheerleading outfit was cheering for them, along with Beatrix! She ran up to Beatrix.
"Beatrix! What are you doing???" Dagger cried.
"Me and my friend Rikku here were...cheering.."
Steiner was behind Beatrix, with a video camera.
"Isnt this great Dagger?" He said "I hated being your damn knight!"
Dagger had reached her overdrive, and summoned BAHAMUT! It came in one big wave and swallowed everyone in the room except for her.
"There," she said as she wiped her hands "I feel better."
She left the room. Vivi was gone, but she didn’t care. She walked up to the exit, she herself lying on her bed and screamed loudly, and finally awoke from her dream.
She must’ve fallen asleep waiting for Vivi to set up the game. She felt exhausted from the dream. It was so awful! She needed a cup of coffee and a large breakfast. She grabbed her robe and began to walk downstairs. She was so glad that Zidane had not actually been unfaithful to her. She finally opened the kitchen door and saw her two cooks. One had long silver hair and dressed in a black robe, and wore a pink apron that said, 'Love me, Im beautiful!' He had weird aqua eyes.
"Good morning Dagger!" He said in a cheerful voice, smiling gayly. "Would you like a spot of tea?"
The other cook had strange blue hair that spiked up and over in some places, and lion tattoos on his chest. He wore a bright yellow apron. He came up and smacked Sephiroth on the butt.
"Oh, good morning, Seymour. How’s my shnookmns today?" Sephy said as they both kissed.
"Its so good to see everything back to normal!" Dagger said.
They laughed together. Sephiroth laughed… just a little more then they did...
The End
Dagger walked silently around the castle. She was thinking about her soon-to-come-true marriage with Zidane. He recently went away with his friends for a vacation, said he needed time with the guys before the big tie. She had said “I hope you weren’t intending to go back to old habits and kidnap any other princess!” The thought made her laugh again.
She looked out the window, and saw Amarant. ‘Hm, whats he doing here,’ she thought. The sun shone on his muscular body and was shiny with sweat. His dark features made him appealing. She noticed in the first time, however, that he had a red round nose...but he was still great looking. Looking at Amarant, she began to feel woozy....
"Dagger!"
She spun around quickly, breathing rapidly. It was Vivi that called her name.
"Yes Vivi?” she spoke, breathing heavily, "what is it?"
"I wanted you to play Tetra Master with me," he said holding a pack of cards.
"Ok, let’s go to my room." She took one last look at Amarant before she walked away.
They got to her room and she laid down on her bed quickly while Vivi set up the game. Suddenly there is a flash of light in her mirror over her vanity.
"What is that??" Vivi asked.
"I dont know, lets see."
She walked up to the mirror and was quickly sucked in! Vivi jump in after her, falling to the ground of this… blue room. The room was endless, and there was a giant imprint near where they stood that said ‘Final Fantasy.’ There were circles on the ground around the imprint with weird symbols.
"What is this place?" Vivi asked.
"I have no idea." She walked over to one of the symbols. She stepped on the circle and suddenly was in another blue room! She saw what she thought was a woman, but realized, it was Kuja, his face turned away from her!
Even though he had attempted to harm her and her friends from before, she was happy to see him; after all, he did save them in the end. She began to run toward him, but suddenly she stopped. There was a claw drapped over Kuja’s shoulder and he seemed to be busy with something in front of him. She stepped closer...revealing that there was a cloaked man making out with him! The other man wore a long black cape and was using his claws to bring Kuja closer. She gasped! Kuja heard her and quickly turned around. The other man, took his cape and rubbed his face free of Kujas make-up.
"Dagger?" he questioned.
"K-Kuja...who is this?"
"This is my good friend...Vincent Valentine."
"O-oh...nice to meet you.."
"Yes," Vincent spoke "Fancy meeting you..."
"U-um...pardon me,” Dagger spoke, “but you seem to have some lipstick still on your lip."
Vincent licked his lips and made a cat sound.
Disturbed, Dagger ran back toward the circle on the ground and again was taking to the room with other circles. Vivi was gone.
"Oh no!" She said. "Where is Vivi??"
She quickly ran to another circle, hoping not to see anything else weird. Now however, she saw a giant, blue, furry tiger man. He was lying down on his back on the ground of this blue room with his hands behind his head to cushion it. He kept growling, but it didn’t seem like an angry or hurt growl. As she got closer, she saw a girl in pink. She had long brown braided hair, and had bangs that seems to defy gravity, and her face was near a spot on the blue tiger that didn’t seem appropriate. Her head was moving in an up and down motion.
"OH......Aeris.." the blue tiger said.
She stopped doing the head motion. "Yes, Kimarhi?"
"That…feel…good."
"Just wait till I get to your horn...!"
Dagger screamed and ran the opposite way! She ran smack into a little girl, and the two tripped over each other. The girl was dressed in a red robe with cute little pig-tails, and was carrying a basket with one arm tucked in.
In a deep...deep...manly voice, the girl said, "Excuse me!"
"Ooh!" Dagger said "My...what a deep voice you have"
"All the better to eat you I MEAN… scare people like you with. My name is Auron, what’s yours little lady?"
"..D-Dagger..."
"Hello, would you like me to assist you back to the main room?"
She paused a while......"Yeah..."
Suddenly she was back in the ‘main room.’ Vivi was finally there. He looked horrified. He came running up to Dagger and hugged her legs.
"Oh Dagger! It was horrible."
"Tell me" She said comfortingly.
"There was this old man, I think his name was Cid. He was using bad words like !@#$, and kiss my big hairy @%!^*. And @%&$ and #&**&%( and %&#*!!! AND ^*@#%* and
"Shut the fuck up!" Dagger yelled.
"Yeah that too."
She sighed "Why was he yelling?"
"There was this big FAT blue woman, trying to hump this red tiger with the tattoo Red 13 on his leg...I’m pretty sure that woman was your mother, the Queen."
"WHAT?? How?? Impossible!!" She was so stunned she passed out.
She awoke up to see people standing over her. A man with blondish hair in a brown trench stood over, along with a man in black, and a girl with blonde hair and a pink… dress?
"What are you doing here?" Dagger asked.
"Were waiting them to get finished with our equipment..." the girl in pink said.
"I wish they’d go a little faster." the man in black said.
"Shut up, chicken wuss. You’re no good in that room anyways." The man in the brown trench said to the man in black.
"Shut up, Seifer!"
"You shut up Squall!"
"Both of you stop it!" the girl said.
"YOU shut up Quistis!" Dagger yelled.
They all stare at her in silence..........
"You shut up!" Quistis yelled back.
Dagger got up sheepishly and went to the door the three were waiting outside of. She opened it...slowly...inside she saw!!!!!!!!!
< keep goin'....>
"ZIDANE!!! What are you doing here!??"
Zidane looked up at her from the bed. "Dagger!" he shrieked like a girl.
Dagger looked at the ground and saw a very big sword laying next to the bed where Zidane was laying.
"Zidane? Whose sword is that? It’s certainly not yours..."
"Uh...thats mine" a voice says from under the covers. A spikey, golden hair boy lifted the covers. He laid in the bed butt freaking naked...he wasn’t bad looking, little scrawny but-
"HEY! What’s going on here???" Dagger yelled.
"Well, Dagger, I dropped my keys to the castle in here...under the covers, and Cloud here was helping me find them."
"Naked??"
"It was getting hot in here...so we took off all our clothes." Cloud said.
"SHUT UP I HATE THAT SONG!" Dagger yelled. "You’ve never loved me, Zidane! I'll bet you haven’t been faithful to me at all! I KNEW you fell for Kuja! That gay bastard! Thats why he saved us! That’s why you went BACK for him!!!"
Dagger ram and left the room, with Zidane calling after her… Tears falling as she passed by the two men now naked, bended down on the floor, and the girl in pink (not anymore) with a whip in her hand.
Dagger stepped on the circle and went back to the main room. Her eyes closed, crying. How could Zidane do that to her? While she was thinking, she heard someone else in the room. She opened her eyes and saw Vivi making out with Eiko!
"NO!" She screamed. "This must be a dream! A nightmare!" She looked behind her and saw her room. That must be the way out! She ran toward it, but suddenly tripped over her own feet and landed on another circle......
A large breasted woman in a mini skirt and boxing gloves, a sorceress with a long black dress, and another woman dressed in belts were in this room. The large breasted woman was naked with the sorceress (who was also naked) being whipped by the woman with belts, with a belt. On the side of the group, a blond woman in a cheerleading outfit was cheering for them, along with Beatrix! She ran up to Beatrix.
"Beatrix! What are you doing???" Dagger cried.
"Me and my friend Rikku here were...cheering.."
Steiner was behind Beatrix, with a video camera.
"Isnt this great Dagger?" He said "I hated being your damn knight!"
Dagger had reached her overdrive, and summoned BAHAMUT! It came in one big wave and swallowed everyone in the room except for her.
"There," she said as she wiped her hands "I feel better."
She left the room. Vivi was gone, but she didn’t care. She walked up to the exit, she herself lying on her bed and screamed loudly, and finally awoke from her dream.
She must’ve fallen asleep waiting for Vivi to set up the game. She felt exhausted from the dream. It was so awful! She needed a cup of coffee and a large breakfast. She grabbed her robe and began to walk downstairs. She was so glad that Zidane had not actually been unfaithful to her. She finally opened the kitchen door and saw her two cooks. One had long silver hair and dressed in a black robe, and wore a pink apron that said, 'Love me, Im beautiful!' He had weird aqua eyes.
"Good morning Dagger!" He said in a cheerful voice, smiling gayly. "Would you like a spot of tea?"
The other cook had strange blue hair that spiked up and over in some places, and lion tattoos on his chest. He wore a bright yellow apron. He came up and smacked Sephiroth on the butt.
"Oh, good morning, Seymour. How’s my shnookmns today?" Sephy said as they both kissed.
"Its so good to see everything back to normal!" Dagger said.
They laughed together. Sephiroth laughed… just a little more then they did...
The End