(no subject)
why does life have to be so hard? it gets harder and harder every damn day. all i want is to be happy and i am to stupid to make myself happy. and when i am happy something goes wrong and i loose. i always loose i never win. why does that always have to happen? i cant have anything i want or need. i want graham i need him but he dont want me anymore. and thats how i know that we are most likely done for good b/c i knew that if he dont me that it would be done for good b/c he has always wanted me and now he dont. how am i suppost to go w/o him? he is the only person who understands me who loved me who needed me who thought i was trully beautiful not only for my looks. and now he dont. now he wants to get w/ one of my best friends brittany v. and its hard b/c he told me this he knows i still love him and i still need him and he still tells me he wants to date her.
and i have to stand by and watch this ever fucking day. and i dont want to try to intrude b/c i dont want anything more than him to be happy. but when he's happy w/ someone who isnt me it kills me. it really does. and whats harder is i thinkbrittany likes him too. and i dont know how i could ever talk to either of them if they're together it would be too hard. i would still be friends w/ them but i just dont think i could be around them.
for all of u that dont know, i had sex w/ graham over the summer. and i just felt so stupid b/c both times i have opened up to someone in that way i am the one still standing in the rain crying and screaming into the sky at god for it not working out and me getting hurt. i loved him and i thought if i did that i would have him forever its stupid i know but i did. and that next week he went to michigan w/ his friend denny and he got high and drunk and he almost fucked this chick he didnt even know. and i was stupid enough to stay w/ him b/c i wanted it to work and i tried to make it work. and i was w/ him for another month and i just couldnt take it. and now i wish i would have tried harder b/c even though we fight all the time and we hurt eachother so much i still need him.i cry myself to sleep ever night w/ his picture cluched in my hand and i cry for hours till i finally fall asleep and when ever i get alone i just break down.
why is it that when you love someone they always hurt you and disapoint you or they dont love you back? why does it have to be so hard? why i cant i just be happy and find someone knew? i know people tell me i am beautiful but if im so beautiful why is it that i cant see it and feel it. i dont feel beautiful. i dont feel smart. i dont feel like im worth anything.
i feel like i am a mistake in everyones eyes. i am a screw up. i let guys in to hurt me. i am so stupid. i let them in to trick me and let them do what they want w/ me then i let them just throw me out like i was garbage. and its all i know. i dont know what its like to have someone trully love me or to feel beautiful or even happy. and i just want to die.
ron the other night you were talking about teens killing themselves more than ever now. and i feel like that the only thing i have left. i dont have anything to live for. i dont have anything to care about anymore.i dont have any thing to live for anymore. i cant even live for myself. and all i want is to be happy and i know ive said that alot in my l/j but thats my dream thats the only thing i want and i just dont get it. i dont get why i cant be happy. i am just so broken. my hearts so broken it cant be fix not even by god.
i dont know what to do and im hopeless.............
and i have to stand by and watch this ever fucking day. and i dont want to try to intrude b/c i dont want anything more than him to be happy. but when he's happy w/ someone who isnt me it kills me. it really does. and whats harder is i thinkbrittany likes him too. and i dont know how i could ever talk to either of them if they're together it would be too hard. i would still be friends w/ them but i just dont think i could be around them.
for all of u that dont know, i had sex w/ graham over the summer. and i just felt so stupid b/c both times i have opened up to someone in that way i am the one still standing in the rain crying and screaming into the sky at god for it not working out and me getting hurt. i loved him and i thought if i did that i would have him forever its stupid i know but i did. and that next week he went to michigan w/ his friend denny and he got high and drunk and he almost fucked this chick he didnt even know. and i was stupid enough to stay w/ him b/c i wanted it to work and i tried to make it work. and i was w/ him for another month and i just couldnt take it. and now i wish i would have tried harder b/c even though we fight all the time and we hurt eachother so much i still need him.i cry myself to sleep ever night w/ his picture cluched in my hand and i cry for hours till i finally fall asleep and when ever i get alone i just break down.
why is it that when you love someone they always hurt you and disapoint you or they dont love you back? why does it have to be so hard? why i cant i just be happy and find someone knew? i know people tell me i am beautiful but if im so beautiful why is it that i cant see it and feel it. i dont feel beautiful. i dont feel smart. i dont feel like im worth anything.
i feel like i am a mistake in everyones eyes. i am a screw up. i let guys in to hurt me. i am so stupid. i let them in to trick me and let them do what they want w/ me then i let them just throw me out like i was garbage. and its all i know. i dont know what its like to have someone trully love me or to feel beautiful or even happy. and i just want to die.
ron the other night you were talking about teens killing themselves more than ever now. and i feel like that the only thing i have left. i dont have anything to live for. i dont have anything to care about anymore.i dont have any thing to live for anymore. i cant even live for myself. and all i want is to be happy and i know ive said that alot in my l/j but thats my dream thats the only thing i want and i just dont get it. i dont get why i cant be happy. i am just so broken. my hearts so broken it cant be fix not even by god.
i dont know what to do and im hopeless.............