(no subject)
When something crazy happens to you, you start thinking of things you wouldn't have otherwise.
Hope and faith are really strong feelings, but even I get negative sometimes.
I had always thought that I knew what was fictional and what was real. After all, I'm the one who constantly loves those fictional women, right? I'm sure some of you remember what I said if they were to suddenly come alive.
I'd run away screaming, of course!
I just never thought that the line between them would ever get mangled in such a way has it happened for me... this time, without a video game, without a book, or a TV series...
I think I've been a bit crazy the last week or two. When you've finally sighed a breath of relief and you feel stability, you feel so good...
Suddenly, it's gone! The sky is falling; your whole world comes crashing down! So I guess it was okay that I was a little bit crazy...
Maybe? Maybe...! As long as I get over it, right?
It's not really something I want to detail into, but I'm feeling a bit better as time passes, and I'm trying to trust reality again.
I just never thought I would have to say that. I just thought no one would lie to me like that...
It's unrelated... but... one time, I told someone of my honest feelings for them... and I'm not sure what happened, but they said I used them when I didn't choose them in the end. If someone loves you, just because they love you, it doesn't mean you should ask them to do things selfishly... because they'll do those things for you. If someone loves you, and you ask them for a kiss, they would kiss you, regardless if you really loved them in return... they would cook you a meal if you asked to. I think love is kind of like that... you light up and feel life, and you do things for them without really asking much in return, and you're happy just to be near them... even when it hurts that they don't feel the same. Even though I didn't think it would work well between us, it didn't mean I didn't have any feeling for you... I just didn't think that feeling for you was strong enough to last. I always warned you that the result might have been that I wouldn't choose you... I didn't feel we were a good fit...
I regret listening. I'm sure none of us meant harm toward each other, but I still feel hurt by it... I wonder to myself why, even though most of the my time was spent trying to make someone feel more wanted. "No one played with me." Then, I'll play with you. "No one wants to interact with my characters." Then, I'll try. "No one likes me." But I did...
It's not like I didn't give a hard time, either, or anything... I knew I was pretty negative myself, I knew I was still trying to get away from something I've been stuck with for some time. It's not like they didn't help me... I knew I caused my own fair share of trouble. I cried, and you comforted as best as you could. I stlll appreciate that.
I don't know, I've just been thinking more and more about it lately. I wonder to myself if someone out there laughs when bad things happen to me. Someone who says, "You deserve this stuff happening to you! Hah... that's what you get." That's fine by me, though, because sometimes I honestly feel the same way. Toward myself.
It might sound odd, and I feel a little embarrassed saying so, but sometimes I call my voicemail, and I listen to a message Jam left all the way from May of 2006, telling me, "Hey Honey, take care of yourself. Hope you're having a good time." Or I should say, I used to call my voicemail to hear the message.
I don't think she feels the same way anymore. It's such a bad assumption from me. I felt like I left that all a mess. I'm such a sap. I deleted all other messages except that one... and for the longest time, it was the only one in my box...
I ended up accidentally deleting it only two months ago, and I hit myself mentally for doing it, but then I asked myself, "...why did I keep it all this time...? Why did tears fall when it was really gone?"
I've learned over the years, friends come and go, and that is true, ... and I've lost many and felt perfectly fine... but why is it that a few I may have lost are still important to me...?
I shouldn't have gone on that trip... I wasted Chris's money, and Snapple's time, and all that ended up happening was my ex calling and me crying a ton. And all I'm left with is that I think is... I'm jealous that they are still friends with Jam. Or maybe that's what I think is in my mind. I wanted to visit her, too...
I guess it was my fault for running away from everything related to them. I made it awkward. It's my loss, then. Just being on a list is good enough, maybe. It's not like I've been talking to all that many people lately, anyway... I'm surprised I even still have friends... don't they normally have to be maintained? Maybe she's reading this right now. I don't expect any change, but I'm sorry, I don't have the confidence to tell you directly. I guess I'm not taking care of myself all that well after what happened recently. It resurfaced my thoughts about this. This time, I'm writing about it... I'm sorry, again...
I called my voicemail and I heard, "You have no new messages." Press a few buttons. "There are no erased messages." Ah, I guess I really can't get it back now. Life's like that, isn't it? Even after all this, I guess I still like it. I only have one, after all... one I can remember, anyway.
"No one visits me." I'll visit you... if I can make it true, it'll... it'll be even better, wouldn't it...? I ended up visiting, but I think I wasted your time... each time I start up computer I see that picture I drew, on this exact day, last year for you. I should probably change it. I have this bad habit of not changing things. Haruka used to get mad at me for leaving people I don't talk to anymore on my buddy lists. I still do it. It was just a coincidence that I felt better enough to write today, actually. A rather strange coincidence that it's also the same date on my drawing.
Friends, friends... I just love my friends...
I want to go to Brazil, when am I able to go?
Why am I thinking about this now? I just want Kaede to come back and tell me that she's fine and that everything is fine... when is she going to come back? When can I stop doubting you, love? I've only started doubting a week and a half ago, I'd like to go back to not doubting again! I've really felt it! I created my own happiness this time, and all it took was being near you! I didn't have to do anything for you to feel this happy, but to do something made me even more...
I thought my happiness was derived from making others happy... and it is, but... but this happiness was different, and I've never felt it before, so... so please don't get mad... or maybe you're not mad at all! I don't know, just come back... I'm being told that you'll come back a better and stronger Kaede! How cool!! Everyone and their own lives, everyone and their slices of life...
Should this be friends-only? Private? Public? Change it later??? But I always prided myself on using public entries... I always thought of it like a postsecret kind of thing, without the secrets... if it causes trouble, then so be it, trouble seems to like to follow me no matter what I do...
Are they mad at me? Should I worry if writing this will cause more trouble, though?! I'm just a girl who wants to live her life, to be happy, to do her best... aren't you all like that, too? I still wish the same thing from before, for you guys to be happy, too... I don't think I've really thought ill of anyone...
Damn you, Pri! Something you said made me go from crazy to setting me back on track toward normal! How'd you do it!! How!!! Well, thank you anyway. I think I remember saying that today. Thank you again.
Okay. Deep breath. At the chance of sounding like a lunatic, press the submit button! Go! This life I have is the one I have now, and I love you, Kaede! I just want to exclaim it to the world! I don't want to think these negative thoughts anymore! Agrias, Chris, Chikane, Natsuki-- aggh, it doesn't matter anymore, you're the real deal! I've never smiled so much that my face hurt like this before... god, now it's like those shoujo manga; you make my heart beat so fast!
Aaaah! How could I write that, I am such a doooork! Click post! Click post, already!
Hope and faith are really strong feelings, but even I get negative sometimes.
I had always thought that I knew what was fictional and what was real. After all, I'm the one who constantly loves those fictional women, right? I'm sure some of you remember what I said if they were to suddenly come alive.
I'd run away screaming, of course!
I just never thought that the line between them would ever get mangled in such a way has it happened for me... this time, without a video game, without a book, or a TV series...
I think I've been a bit crazy the last week or two. When you've finally sighed a breath of relief and you feel stability, you feel so good...
Suddenly, it's gone! The sky is falling; your whole world comes crashing down! So I guess it was okay that I was a little bit crazy...
Maybe? Maybe...! As long as I get over it, right?
It's not really something I want to detail into, but I'm feeling a bit better as time passes, and I'm trying to trust reality again.
I just never thought I would have to say that. I just thought no one would lie to me like that...
It's unrelated... but... one time, I told someone of my honest feelings for them... and I'm not sure what happened, but they said I used them when I didn't choose them in the end. If someone loves you, just because they love you, it doesn't mean you should ask them to do things selfishly... because they'll do those things for you. If someone loves you, and you ask them for a kiss, they would kiss you, regardless if you really loved them in return... they would cook you a meal if you asked to. I think love is kind of like that... you light up and feel life, and you do things for them without really asking much in return, and you're happy just to be near them... even when it hurts that they don't feel the same. Even though I didn't think it would work well between us, it didn't mean I didn't have any feeling for you... I just didn't think that feeling for you was strong enough to last. I always warned you that the result might have been that I wouldn't choose you... I didn't feel we were a good fit...
I regret listening. I'm sure none of us meant harm toward each other, but I still feel hurt by it... I wonder to myself why, even though most of the my time was spent trying to make someone feel more wanted. "No one played with me." Then, I'll play with you. "No one wants to interact with my characters." Then, I'll try. "No one likes me." But I did...
It's not like I didn't give a hard time, either, or anything... I knew I was pretty negative myself, I knew I was still trying to get away from something I've been stuck with for some time. It's not like they didn't help me... I knew I caused my own fair share of trouble. I cried, and you comforted as best as you could. I stlll appreciate that.
I don't know, I've just been thinking more and more about it lately. I wonder to myself if someone out there laughs when bad things happen to me. Someone who says, "You deserve this stuff happening to you! Hah... that's what you get." That's fine by me, though, because sometimes I honestly feel the same way. Toward myself.
It might sound odd, and I feel a little embarrassed saying so, but sometimes I call my voicemail, and I listen to a message Jam left all the way from May of 2006, telling me, "Hey Honey, take care of yourself. Hope you're having a good time." Or I should say, I used to call my voicemail to hear the message.
I don't think she feels the same way anymore. It's such a bad assumption from me. I felt like I left that all a mess. I'm such a sap. I deleted all other messages except that one... and for the longest time, it was the only one in my box...
I ended up accidentally deleting it only two months ago, and I hit myself mentally for doing it, but then I asked myself, "...why did I keep it all this time...? Why did tears fall when it was really gone?"
I've learned over the years, friends come and go, and that is true, ... and I've lost many and felt perfectly fine... but why is it that a few I may have lost are still important to me...?
I shouldn't have gone on that trip... I wasted Chris's money, and Snapple's time, and all that ended up happening was my ex calling and me crying a ton. And all I'm left with is that I think is... I'm jealous that they are still friends with Jam. Or maybe that's what I think is in my mind. I wanted to visit her, too...
I guess it was my fault for running away from everything related to them. I made it awkward. It's my loss, then. Just being on a list is good enough, maybe. It's not like I've been talking to all that many people lately, anyway... I'm surprised I even still have friends... don't they normally have to be maintained? Maybe she's reading this right now. I don't expect any change, but I'm sorry, I don't have the confidence to tell you directly. I guess I'm not taking care of myself all that well after what happened recently. It resurfaced my thoughts about this. This time, I'm writing about it... I'm sorry, again...
I called my voicemail and I heard, "You have no new messages." Press a few buttons. "There are no erased messages." Ah, I guess I really can't get it back now. Life's like that, isn't it? Even after all this, I guess I still like it. I only have one, after all... one I can remember, anyway.
"No one visits me." I'll visit you... if I can make it true, it'll... it'll be even better, wouldn't it...? I ended up visiting, but I think I wasted your time... each time I start up computer I see that picture I drew, on this exact day, last year for you. I should probably change it. I have this bad habit of not changing things. Haruka used to get mad at me for leaving people I don't talk to anymore on my buddy lists. I still do it. It was just a coincidence that I felt better enough to write today, actually. A rather strange coincidence that it's also the same date on my drawing.
Friends, friends... I just love my friends...
I want to go to Brazil, when am I able to go?
Why am I thinking about this now? I just want Kaede to come back and tell me that she's fine and that everything is fine... when is she going to come back? When can I stop doubting you, love? I've only started doubting a week and a half ago, I'd like to go back to not doubting again! I've really felt it! I created my own happiness this time, and all it took was being near you! I didn't have to do anything for you to feel this happy, but to do something made me even more...
I thought my happiness was derived from making others happy... and it is, but... but this happiness was different, and I've never felt it before, so... so please don't get mad... or maybe you're not mad at all! I don't know, just come back... I'm being told that you'll come back a better and stronger Kaede! How cool!! Everyone and their own lives, everyone and their slices of life...
Should this be friends-only? Private? Public? Change it later??? But I always prided myself on using public entries... I always thought of it like a postsecret kind of thing, without the secrets... if it causes trouble, then so be it, trouble seems to like to follow me no matter what I do...
Are they mad at me? Should I worry if writing this will cause more trouble, though?! I'm just a girl who wants to live her life, to be happy, to do her best... aren't you all like that, too? I still wish the same thing from before, for you guys to be happy, too... I don't think I've really thought ill of anyone...
Damn you, Pri! Something you said made me go from crazy to setting me back on track toward normal! How'd you do it!! How!!! Well, thank you anyway. I think I remember saying that today. Thank you again.
Okay. Deep breath. At the chance of sounding like a lunatic, press the submit button! Go! This life I have is the one I have now, and I love you, Kaede! I just want to exclaim it to the world! I don't want to think these negative thoughts anymore! Agrias, Chris, Chikane, Natsuki-- aggh, it doesn't matter anymore, you're the real deal! I've never smiled so much that my face hurt like this before... god, now it's like those shoujo manga; you make my heart beat so fast!
Aaaah! How could I write that, I am such a doooork! Click post! Click post, already!