(no subject)
ok. i can't god damn do this anymore. any of this. i can't take being unemployed. i am never one to turn away from some time off...but only if i know i will have something to go back to one day. sure, i bitch and moan when the vacation is over...but doesn't everyone? i miss having some sense of purpose. knowing there are things that need to be done. just having something to DO. jesus christ. this time off is torture. because i can't even go anywhere or do anything. i just have to wait around and see if someone wants to call me in for an interview. i want to go to new york for some time and i can't because i'm like a fucking prisoner to people who couldn't give two shits about me. i don't think employers think for 4 seconds about the people they are trying to hire. if i make them wait indefinitely, how will that make THEM feel? sure, employers can pick and choose anyone they fucking want for a job, but in the mean time, there are people who are just WAITING, and can do NOTHING to make the situation better. even a fucking email to say "thanks but no thanks" would be better than just sitting here and hoping some jerkoff in a hiring office thinks i'm worth talking to. shit.
and, how funny how that exact line of thinking applies to my fucking love life. or whatever it is. love doesn't really accurately describe it. yes. i admit it. i miss mike. i fucking miss you, okay? i know. he was bad for me. he was not nice to me. he was everything bad that you can think of. and i realize that. but he was something. but not even he could give me the common courtesy of a "thanks but no thanks." and i know it's bad to want him. i know that i shouldn't want to talk to him anymore. i know all of this. i know my friends hated him, too. fine. and yet, if he called me tomorrow and said "i'm sorry, let's try again," i would. without a second thought. i would i would i would. and i don't think that will change any time soon. i miss him. no. i miss the idea of him. i miss what he could have been. and yet, how can one miss what one never really had??
i'm so sad. just sad. angry. bored. restless. i'm wasting my time. i'm terrified of growing older. laurel and i talked about high school and i have so many regrets. i think about college. i have so many regrets. i want to be okay with the life i have led. i want to be okay with the decisions i have made and the path i have taken. but i keep looking behind me and seeing stops i wish i had made. people i wish i had talked to. opportunities i wish i had siezed. yes, i have been happy. really happy. but i've lost sight of what it is that makes me happy. a friend told facebook to take 30 seconds and think of the good things. i actually had a hard time thinking of things. and that is just fucking sad. i know i have been lucky. i was blessed with a fucking enormous intellect. and wonderful friends. and parents who love me and each other. but is it so much to wish my friends lived close to me? is it so much to ask that another person loves me nearly as much as i think i deserve to be loved? is it so much to ask to have a fucking job? something that gives me a reason to wake up each day? i'm not looking for my dream career or my soul mate. just...something. just something so that when i go to bed each night i don't feel like i have wasted another day of life, and that when i wake up i don't feel like it wouldn't matter if i bothered to move from my bed or not.
times are tough for everyone. i understand. and i have tried to take these difficulties with grace. but i am just fucking sick of it. and i'm tired of peoples' advice. i don't need you to tell me how to get a job. i fucking know how. that isn't the problem. okay? if you know someone who is hiring, who wants to hire a person like me, then yes, let me know. but don't tell me craigslist, or this or that website. and don't tell me to go to places with my resume. don't fucking tell me. i am sick of it.
just tell me you love me. kiss my forehead and tell me it will be okay.
even though i won't believe you.
and, how funny how that exact line of thinking applies to my fucking love life. or whatever it is. love doesn't really accurately describe it. yes. i admit it. i miss mike. i fucking miss you, okay? i know. he was bad for me. he was not nice to me. he was everything bad that you can think of. and i realize that. but he was something. but not even he could give me the common courtesy of a "thanks but no thanks." and i know it's bad to want him. i know that i shouldn't want to talk to him anymore. i know all of this. i know my friends hated him, too. fine. and yet, if he called me tomorrow and said "i'm sorry, let's try again," i would. without a second thought. i would i would i would. and i don't think that will change any time soon. i miss him. no. i miss the idea of him. i miss what he could have been. and yet, how can one miss what one never really had??
i'm so sad. just sad. angry. bored. restless. i'm wasting my time. i'm terrified of growing older. laurel and i talked about high school and i have so many regrets. i think about college. i have so many regrets. i want to be okay with the life i have led. i want to be okay with the decisions i have made and the path i have taken. but i keep looking behind me and seeing stops i wish i had made. people i wish i had talked to. opportunities i wish i had siezed. yes, i have been happy. really happy. but i've lost sight of what it is that makes me happy. a friend told facebook to take 30 seconds and think of the good things. i actually had a hard time thinking of things. and that is just fucking sad. i know i have been lucky. i was blessed with a fucking enormous intellect. and wonderful friends. and parents who love me and each other. but is it so much to wish my friends lived close to me? is it so much to ask that another person loves me nearly as much as i think i deserve to be loved? is it so much to ask to have a fucking job? something that gives me a reason to wake up each day? i'm not looking for my dream career or my soul mate. just...something. just something so that when i go to bed each night i don't feel like i have wasted another day of life, and that when i wake up i don't feel like it wouldn't matter if i bothered to move from my bed or not.
times are tough for everyone. i understand. and i have tried to take these difficulties with grace. but i am just fucking sick of it. and i'm tired of peoples' advice. i don't need you to tell me how to get a job. i fucking know how. that isn't the problem. okay? if you know someone who is hiring, who wants to hire a person like me, then yes, let me know. but don't tell me craigslist, or this or that website. and don't tell me to go to places with my resume. don't fucking tell me. i am sick of it.
just tell me you love me. kiss my forehead and tell me it will be okay.
even though i won't believe you.