Soon to be a Graduate

[milotic17]

Graduation is in less than a week-five days, to be exact. It’s such a weird feeling.  I honestly never thought I’d make it, and most other people didn’t either. (I don’t know how many times I was told I’d never graduate by pretty much everyone, especially when I was on my second medical leave.) Yes, it’s taken me five years, but, honestly, I

Comments

[raspel]

congrats on the award!! :) be proud of yourself. you deserve it! and dude... people get money from fellowships, there is no way there were just a few applicants. there were definitely a lot and they picked YOU!

you seem to understand your pull toward sickness very well. it's a means of expression- or, rather, it looks like one. but like you said, when you're in that hospital bed, you realize you're not getting what you really want. i also hope you to come to understand that people love you and pay attention to you regardless of your ED. who you are is enough to warrant love and attention. i just read in one of your entries that you miss viola. have you thought about taking it up again? what about getting attention for other things, like your musical and writing abilities?

maybe you still think you want to be sick because it's what's familiar to you. i can see you breaking out of it. i'm getting a sense from your latest entries that you're becoming disillusioned and bored with your ED (of course correct me if i'm wrong.) it's a great thing when you realize you have too much going on to throw it all away for a mental illness. but this takes some work on your part, like nurturing your artistic side, doing something you love (like school) and reaching out to others when you need to. it's all worth it in the end.

you'll be done in less than a week! this is so exciting!! :)

[milotic17]

Thanks! :D

Yeah, I do consider taking up the viola again every now and then. I think I want to, but I'm afraid to because I've basically lost four-and-a-half years, and I know I'm no where near as good as I used to be, and I find that incredibly sad and frustrating. Still, I definitely won't get back to where I was by not playing, right?

I think I'm in a weird place with my ED right now. I guess I would call it ambivalent. I know a lot of people with EDs struggle with ambivalence, and that being ambivalent isn't exactly seen as a good thing, but for me it's progress. It's certainly better than the "damn it all, I'll reach seventy-five pounds or die" attitude I've had for many years.

I guess I've been thinking a lot about a recent post on thefairgrounds. I think the poster's name was tarot_bird. Anyway, she posted about how she made a doll house instead of engaging in ED behaviors, and it just seemed so cool. She was helping some kids instead of harming herself. I want to get to that point, too, someday. <3

[raspel]

you probably still have some muscle memory to get you off to a good start. i haven't played piano for a LONG time but i can still remember a song or two by hand... however, i don't know how to read music anymore, but if i looked it up, it'd all come back. b/c of your experience, you'll pick up the basics quicker and you'll be back to where you were faster than other beginners. so really, you're coming out ahead if you start up lessons (which i think you should do!! it's your passion, go for it!! :))

yes, it's definitely progress! i am really proud of you. :)

ohh, if you wish, say hi to tarot_bird. she's quickly become one of my best friends. she's just such an amazing person.

[milotic17]

Thank you, hon. :)