Pass!
Well, I passed. Thank goodness. I’m so glad that’s over with. It really wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, I guess. Now I just have to wait to see if the department approves me for honors. I’ve been recommended for honors because I passed, but more than half of the department has to approve for me to get honors and at least two-thirds has to approve for me to get high honors…and, yes, that means everyone in the department will be reading my thesis, which has me more than a little freaked out. I’ll probably find out in the next week or so.
Anyway, I was so freaked out and nervous. I went to the building it was in and just stood outside the door of the room because it was closed. The department secretary (who knew my defense was then) was really nice, though; she offered to get me water and complimented me on my outfit. Then she told me it was time to go in, and I was like, “I can’t because the door’s closed,” and she looked all puzzled and said, “No, it’s not.” It turns out I was standing in front of the room next door to the one my defense was in (108 as opposed to 106); I was so freaked out that I didn’t even bother to look at the room number!
Anyway, I think it went well. The journalism professor was a little critical, but she seemed to like it overall. My advisor came out and told me I “clearly passed,” so I guess that means they unanimously approved. I feel bad, though, because I was still so freaked out and anxious that I was just like, “Thank you…oh, and thank the others for me, too” and just left after that. I don’t think my mind was working properly; I should have stayed and said something to the other committee members. I feel pretty guilty about it, but I suppose there’s nothing I can do now.
I’m feeling pretty good about passing. I wish I could say the same about my body. Today and yesterday have been horrible in terms of body image. I have a new body part that I hate: my upper arms. Granted I’ve never liked them, but I feel like they look super fat now; how could I not have noticed it before? They’re huge! I guess it’s because it’s been hot and I haven’t been wearing long sleeves. I just can’t believe how big they are. I mean, my arms were always kind of my favorite body part, but now I hate them. They’re disgusting.
I need to get off the Abilify so I can lose weight/not gain weight. It’s scary, though, because I know I probably won’t do well off of it, at least not for a while. Plus, when my mother finds out she’s going to flip and will probably tell me that I can’t go to grad school. I hope I can get in to see the ED psychiatrist and find an alternative soon.
My digestive tract is still a real mess. I just don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I take supplements and prescription meds twice a day, and it still doesn’t want to work properly. I’m seeing the GI doctor sometime this month, so I suppose I’ll see if she can do anything or if she has any recommendations. I’ve also been burping like crazy, and I hate it. When my cold was at its worst Sunday night I was breathing through my mouth and I think I was literally burping on all of the air I was taking in. So stupid. Oh, well. At least I haven’t had an accident in a few weeks. (Total TMI, I know.)
Well, I guess this is really it; I’m really graduating. I can’t wait to be done.