Sick
This upcoming week is my last week of college classes…thank God! I actually don’t have too much to do. I have my thesis defense on Tuesday (but I can’t really prepare for that) and some reading due on Wednesday, and then two relatively short papers due by May 10th at the latest. I plan on having everything done by Saturday afternoon so I can be home for Mother’s Day. (I was going to give myself until Sunday or Monday, but my mother was pretty upset that I wouldn’t be home for the holiday, so I’m going to try to be done by Saturday afternoon. It’s still very doable.) Then I’ll be done! I’m really not feeling very sad about finishing. It’ll be weird in a lot of ways, but it’s not like I have any friends here.
I was looking forward to just winding down and finishing this last week, but, unfortunately, I’ve come down with a bad head cold. Words cannot express how much I hate those. I mean, it’s just a cold, but for some reason I really, really hate nasal congestion. I’d rather be in pain. (Then again, I have a really high tolerance for pain and am a bit of a masochist.) I hate not being able to sleep at night, because I absolutely love sleep. I usually get one cold a year, but I just had one in December/January, so I am not happy about this. I feel crappy. I just took some cold medicine, though, so hopefully it will kick in by the time I go to bed.
This weekend was kind of difficult, mainly in terms of body image. Yesterday in particular I just felt beyond fat. Now, I know I have a bit of a distorted body image, but usually when I look in the mirror I see a very normal-looking person-sure, one who’s not at all skinny, but one who’s not chubby or anything either…just very normal. (I don’t want to look normal. I want to look emaciated, so that’s how I get bothered.) Yesterday, though, I really, really thought I looked fat…ridiculously fat. I wanted to die. My anxiety just went through the roof. Worse, I was with my sister, and she was trying on dresses for graduation and they were all too big. Granted, I don’t know what size they were, but I kept assuming they were the smallest sizes possible. I just know she’s skinnier than I am now, and I cannot tell you how devastating that is. I cannot stand it. It’s just so unfair. Why did I have to go and gain so much weight? Why did she have to go and lose weight? I hate it!
I think I’ve already started gaining weight again. I upped my intake a little at school (what’s the point of starving if you can’t possibly lose weight no matter how much you starve yourself?), and I’m beginning to regret it. I know I’ve gained weight. I have to get back down to 500 calories in order to stop this weight gain. I cannot afford to gain more weight.
I’ll be off the Abilify by the time I finish my schoolwork next week. I’m very, very scared, but I feel like I have no real choice. Abilify is causing me to starve myself like crazy and the weight gain from it is causing me extreme amounts of anxiety and misery. I just can’t stay on it anymore. I know my mother will be beyond upset, but hopefully she’ll come to understand my decision at some point. I’ve told my treatment team; they’re not happy, really, but they can understand why I’m doing it. They’re looking into setting up an appointment for me with a psychiatrist who specializes in EDs and who may know some alternative medications that won’t cause weight gain. They think it might be a while until I can get in with one, though.
There isn’t much more going on. I’m nervous about my thesis defense, because I really think I’m going to fail. I don’t think my advisor likes my thesis at all. She’s not the least bit encouraging. She never says things like “Good job” or “I like this” and has never encouraged me by saying things like “Yes, I think you should turn this into a thesis” or “I think you’ll get honors” or even “You should pass.” It’s very frustrating and upsetting.
I finally bought one of the GSC Pokémon remakes-Soul Silver. I’ve been having quite a bit of fun with it so far, although I’m a bit confused about the little Pokewalker thing (and don’t think I’ll use it because I don’t want people to see me walking around with it). I also enjoyed the first episode of the GF, although I feel really bad for poor Kenny for not making it past the appeals round. The Appealshipping and Penguinshipping were quite nice, though.
I’m still holding out for a Misty cameo at the League. I just miss Pokeshipping so much. I’ve been into this before, so I won’t bore you with it more. I just can’t believe that it’s been my OTP for almost eleven years and I’m still waiting for closure.
I guess that’s it. I suppose I’ll just go to bed now and try to sleep despite my cold.