Crappy Mood

[milotic17]

Ugh, I feel like crap. I had my weigh-in today, which is never a cause for celebration. Anyway, despite starving, I have not lost weight. I can’t believe this is happening again. I thought I had escaped this pattern, but apparently not. I just don’t know how to deal with this, how to cope. I keep telling myself that I need to go off the Abilify so

Comments

[raspel]

you also have the choice of being healthy and happy. your health is in really poor condition right now and i worry about you. with your metabolism at a crawl, a lot of things can't be working right internally because your body doesn't have enough energy. you really will feel better if you eat more. depression is the main symptom of malnutrition- anyone starving themselves will feel like absolute shit. you don't tend to post how many calories you're eating, but i imagine it's very low. you have to take into account that the symptoms of EDs are largely biological- they come from starvation and malnutrition, and once you fix those things, you're in a much better place. but to be blunt, i don't see a whole lot of progress being made until you take care of your body. your brain is being starved right now and it's having a horrible effect on your mood and thinking and it's why you want to sleep for half a day. it seems almost crude to basically say, "you need to eat," but it makes a lot of sense. nobody, and i mean nobody, is eating disordered and happy. those girls you see in pictures who are emaciated? they probably don't realize they're emaciated, and they feel like complete shit. losing weight is not going to lead you anywhere good. the only things your ED will give you are health problems, mental problems, and maybe even death. i really hate to say it, but it's true. EDs have a 20% mortality rate for people who've had it a long time (i think it's over 10 years.) you've got to break down this illusion that weight loss/thinness are going to get you something you want, because that's just one way anorexia has brainwashed you. many people have fought to be thin until they died. it's a suicide mission.

being thin isn't an identity. how can you define your identity by the weight of your body? do you value yourself so little? when you think about your friends, i'm sure their main personality trait that comes to mind isn't their weight. that shit just isn't important. it's only important to someone with an ED because that's a side effect of this disease. but if you hold on to that, you're going to keep fighting for years and years to be "thin enough" and all you're going to do in the process is destroy your body, feel depressed, be obsessed with food and weight, hate yourself forever, and never be able to function well. what kind of life is that?

[milotic17]

Thank you for the reality check. I guess it's just hard to see myself as happy and healthy because it's been so long since I have been. Also, I have a hard time accepting the fact that I'm doing damage because for one thing my weight isn't low and for another thing none of the doctors really seem to see it that way. (At least my nutritionist is trying to convince me that I'm doing damage, though, even if none of the doctors is concerned.)

I think deep down I know that the emaciated=happiness thing is a lie, but it's become so ingrained in my mind that it's hard to see it as one. Plus, I feel like it's all I've got--probably not true, but still.

Again, thank you for the wakeup call. You're going to make a good therapist someday, whether you decide to work with EDs or something else.

[raspel]

i really wonder what's going on in your doctors' heada. my doctor, for example, during our first meeting, said she'd let me know when i needed to be hospitalized. i wonder if that's the only time that she'd mention something was wrong? and your doctors may not want to feed into the "sick" mentality, but, ugh, it's still so wrong not to say anything. at least your nutritionist is right.

to see through that emaciated = happiness lie, it may help to write out the reality of what it would mean to be emaciated. you could even do a pros and cons list, and pretty soon you'd be saying, "um, wow, that would suck like whoa." :P

aw, thanks. i worried i was too harsh, but felt it needed to be said. you are a really amazing person and you deserve to be free of this disease.