not cut because i'm such an attention whore.
since work on friday is something akin to waterboarding on the spectrum of torture, i end up withdrawing into my thoughts most of the time [which is at least as dangerous...]. most of the time i end up fantasizing about the future or imagining what i would say or how i would react to someone in a given situation, but today was all about the past. i ended up thinking about a couple of things today that i thought i had forgotten.
at the 8th grade farewell dance, done up in the stretchy black dress that i cannot believe my mom let me leave the house in, given how big my tits and ass have been since i was - literally - 8 and wearing makeup that must have looked like shit, since it was the first time i wore anything more than concealer, i plotted and plotted about how i was going to dance with pat mcgrath, because my life revolved around him. this was the thing that initially bonded sarah and i together, which i always found ironic but only recently realized was completely fucked up as well [a fittingly unhealthy beginning to an unhealthy relationship].
there's all kinds of backstory to this, all the ways she used me to get closer to him, like how she joined the track team with us to get closer to him, how she pretended to be my friend when i was at my most socially vulnerable, but that wasn't the part i remembered really suddenly while i was consolidating cups. i saw newly 13-year-old me dancing SO AWKWARDLY with pat during the last dance - it had taken me almost all night, but i finally asked him to "save the last dance for me", and yes, i actually used those words, because i had no social skills to speak of, but i digress. i saw gawky little hannah at her zenith, and then i remembered what happened next. egged on by jemma [who else?], sarah tapped me on the shoulder and said, "can i cut in?" i remember saying "no," but i know i hesitated. i wasn't so much for the relational aggression back then; i was still into kicking people in the shins, so i'm sure i hesitated. then logan brookbank, who was dancing with god knows who nearby, put all three of us together and was like, "don't fight, girls, you can both dance with him." so we did that for a few seconds, and then she shouldered me out of the way. i left bewildered. then, for some ungodly reason, we became practically inseparable our freshman year.
so that is obviously bad, but the second one is worse - i was remembering when i decided i wanted to teach sex ed and i was so excited that i finally knew what i wanted to do with my life. and what should my purported best friend's reaction to this news be? "oh, well, yeah, i mean, i've always joked about wanting to teach sex ed." she wasn't happy for me, she didn't want to know more about it, she just wanted to make sure i knew she thought of it first, and that i was just copying her. and to top it off, she makes a point of not taking it seriously.
occasionally when i tell a story about sarah, someone will ask me why i was friends with her, and usually i can come up with something. but today when i was talking to amanda, i couldn't think of anything. there's just no reason it ever should've happened.
at the 8th grade farewell dance, done up in the stretchy black dress that i cannot believe my mom let me leave the house in, given how big my tits and ass have been since i was - literally - 8 and wearing makeup that must have looked like shit, since it was the first time i wore anything more than concealer, i plotted and plotted about how i was going to dance with pat mcgrath, because my life revolved around him. this was the thing that initially bonded sarah and i together, which i always found ironic but only recently realized was completely fucked up as well [a fittingly unhealthy beginning to an unhealthy relationship].
there's all kinds of backstory to this, all the ways she used me to get closer to him, like how she joined the track team with us to get closer to him, how she pretended to be my friend when i was at my most socially vulnerable, but that wasn't the part i remembered really suddenly while i was consolidating cups. i saw newly 13-year-old me dancing SO AWKWARDLY with pat during the last dance - it had taken me almost all night, but i finally asked him to "save the last dance for me", and yes, i actually used those words, because i had no social skills to speak of, but i digress. i saw gawky little hannah at her zenith, and then i remembered what happened next. egged on by jemma [who else?], sarah tapped me on the shoulder and said, "can i cut in?" i remember saying "no," but i know i hesitated. i wasn't so much for the relational aggression back then; i was still into kicking people in the shins, so i'm sure i hesitated. then logan brookbank, who was dancing with god knows who nearby, put all three of us together and was like, "don't fight, girls, you can both dance with him." so we did that for a few seconds, and then she shouldered me out of the way. i left bewildered. then, for some ungodly reason, we became practically inseparable our freshman year.
so that is obviously bad, but the second one is worse - i was remembering when i decided i wanted to teach sex ed and i was so excited that i finally knew what i wanted to do with my life. and what should my purported best friend's reaction to this news be? "oh, well, yeah, i mean, i've always joked about wanting to teach sex ed." she wasn't happy for me, she didn't want to know more about it, she just wanted to make sure i knew she thought of it first, and that i was just copying her. and to top it off, she makes a point of not taking it seriously.
occasionally when i tell a story about sarah, someone will ask me why i was friends with her, and usually i can come up with something. but today when i was talking to amanda, i couldn't think of anything. there's just no reason it ever should've happened.