old habits
stalking and masochism. actually, would you call it stalking or voyeurism when you read someone's livejournal and they don't know you're reading it? does the fact that you used to be friends with that person make any difference? or that you haven't had a real conversation since you cried all over them over a year ago on your way to your life's biggest, most nonsensical shake-up to date?
what if you want to talk to them but you don't know how? what if you're increasingly certain they don't remember that you exist, that you had more in common than you probably had time to find out, and that you can never, ever have any of it back?
does it tilt toward stalking if it becomes a habit, which it undoubtedly will, scanning lines of text for some indication that you are remembered? is it voyeuristic to wait in reckless anticipation for a particular aspect of their life to go up in flames? is it sick if you find hope in the thought of their misery?
i've tried so many times to put everything behind me, and then today two letters [and a long-forgotten inside joke] set me right back where i was, and i could see it all, and i was watching everything break again.
what if you want to talk to them but you don't know how? what if you're increasingly certain they don't remember that you exist, that you had more in common than you probably had time to find out, and that you can never, ever have any of it back?
does it tilt toward stalking if it becomes a habit, which it undoubtedly will, scanning lines of text for some indication that you are remembered? is it voyeuristic to wait in reckless anticipation for a particular aspect of their life to go up in flames? is it sick if you find hope in the thought of their misery?
i've tried so many times to put everything behind me, and then today two letters [and a long-forgotten inside joke] set me right back where i was, and i could see it all, and i was watching everything break again.