(no subject)
I have a strange feeling im not sure what it is.
Like im gutted - but not to the full extent - like it's muted somehow, and the rest is still to kick in. But at the same time, im not sure if i am gutted. it's my own fault anyway - its just that i had been thinking about the whole thing a lot recently, and now i dnt need to, coz its not my decision anymore. im a fanny. but its probably better this way anyway.
and im really REALLY looking forward to moving out - the flat is driving me insane. seriously doubting i can hack it till July. one person in particular. i just hate being there. and i will go out of my way to avoid being there - ending up imposing on other ppl. got a text today saying "i was nearly crying this morning, your alarm is too loud and wakes me up an hour before im meant to get up - im so stressed that i need all the sleep i can get". seriously i dont do it on purpose - but i need it that loud (its not like loud loud - as in its ALL you can possibly hear) because i sleep through it!! its the only chance i have of actually waking up and gettin to uni. but i dont know how i can fix it so we are both happy. i dont want to sleep in for uni, and i dont want to add extra stress to someone at exam time. i could suggest she goes to bed earlier (than 12 or what ever time after that it is) but it's not nice of me to say that. but i seriously dont know what to do. i set my alarm for 7am - and i always end up snoozing it, subconsciously obv or i would actually get up, or sleeping through it - like today i didnt even hear it till about 8.30am.
and although i tend to be a deep sleeper - there are times when she would come in and have a shouwer after work (when you couls still smoke there) and i would hear her. but then again, that wasnt exam time.
right now im the worst flat mate in the world. and its not like i try to be, its jsut the way it happens. i stay in my room in the evening, coz i hate being in the living room with the f'mates, coz i just feel awkward. so things get left - like dishes - and stuff until they go to bed or im in myself. and i have to wait till the bath drains when i have a shower before i clean it out (for some reaason when i have a shower i make much more bubbles than they seem to) and so by that time she's back and im doing dishes before going back to clean out the bath, so she goes in to the bathroom and comes out going, 'guys will someone please take care of that bath, thats just disgusting'. and its not disgusting its soap and hair! both are clean - but both i just had to get back to. half of me wants to yell and shout and be a bitch back - but the other is sayin, look you've only got a wee while left just leave it, its not worth the hassle. plus she has an exam on wed. dotn want blamed for that if it goes wrong. but generally i dont appreciate being spoken to like a 5year old wee girl.
but right now im a shitty friend. i think im coming across as really selfish - but im just paranoid and worried and very very stressed. about exams, about the flat, about friends, about weddings, about family, about exams (some more), about uni...
i feel like i want to curl up in a wee corner and sleep forever. then i cant piss ppl off, i cant fail exams, i cant cry about flats/friends/uni/exams. i sometimes wish i could start over. erase ppl from my situations, maybe have stayed at home, or gone to Aberdeen uni? Done art? wish i wasnt me for a while. want to disappear for a while. if i try to make things better i make them worse. and im getting irritable. i cant see anything good about things just now. everything is going tits over arse.
Like im gutted - but not to the full extent - like it's muted somehow, and the rest is still to kick in. But at the same time, im not sure if i am gutted. it's my own fault anyway - its just that i had been thinking about the whole thing a lot recently, and now i dnt need to, coz its not my decision anymore. im a fanny. but its probably better this way anyway.
and im really REALLY looking forward to moving out - the flat is driving me insane. seriously doubting i can hack it till July. one person in particular. i just hate being there. and i will go out of my way to avoid being there - ending up imposing on other ppl. got a text today saying "i was nearly crying this morning, your alarm is too loud and wakes me up an hour before im meant to get up - im so stressed that i need all the sleep i can get". seriously i dont do it on purpose - but i need it that loud (its not like loud loud - as in its ALL you can possibly hear) because i sleep through it!! its the only chance i have of actually waking up and gettin to uni. but i dont know how i can fix it so we are both happy. i dont want to sleep in for uni, and i dont want to add extra stress to someone at exam time. i could suggest she goes to bed earlier (than 12 or what ever time after that it is) but it's not nice of me to say that. but i seriously dont know what to do. i set my alarm for 7am - and i always end up snoozing it, subconsciously obv or i would actually get up, or sleeping through it - like today i didnt even hear it till about 8.30am.
and although i tend to be a deep sleeper - there are times when she would come in and have a shouwer after work (when you couls still smoke there) and i would hear her. but then again, that wasnt exam time.
right now im the worst flat mate in the world. and its not like i try to be, its jsut the way it happens. i stay in my room in the evening, coz i hate being in the living room with the f'mates, coz i just feel awkward. so things get left - like dishes - and stuff until they go to bed or im in myself. and i have to wait till the bath drains when i have a shower before i clean it out (for some reaason when i have a shower i make much more bubbles than they seem to) and so by that time she's back and im doing dishes before going back to clean out the bath, so she goes in to the bathroom and comes out going, 'guys will someone please take care of that bath, thats just disgusting'. and its not disgusting its soap and hair! both are clean - but both i just had to get back to. half of me wants to yell and shout and be a bitch back - but the other is sayin, look you've only got a wee while left just leave it, its not worth the hassle. plus she has an exam on wed. dotn want blamed for that if it goes wrong. but generally i dont appreciate being spoken to like a 5year old wee girl.
but right now im a shitty friend. i think im coming across as really selfish - but im just paranoid and worried and very very stressed. about exams, about the flat, about friends, about weddings, about family, about exams (some more), about uni...
i feel like i want to curl up in a wee corner and sleep forever. then i cant piss ppl off, i cant fail exams, i cant cry about flats/friends/uni/exams. i sometimes wish i could start over. erase ppl from my situations, maybe have stayed at home, or gone to Aberdeen uni? Done art? wish i wasnt me for a while. want to disappear for a while. if i try to make things better i make them worse. and im getting irritable. i cant see anything good about things just now. everything is going tits over arse.