(Untitled)

[blueeyedjohnny]

Johnny is sitting by the fire, with a note and a worried expression.

Oh, and a baby, which is under the table playing with his feet.

He puts down the note, sighs, and looks around for Jack.

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[_to_the_bone]

Jack hasn't noticed him. Which is good, because he'd probably have run.

Jack's near the fire, makeing paper airplanes and throwing them into it.

[blueeyedjohnny]

Johnny picks up Edward and heads over.

He then places Edward on Jack so that he can't move, then sits down.

"I'm sorry."

He winces slightly. "And, um, I can't read. Nothing more complex than attack here at this time anyway."

[_to_the_bone]

"Oh right," says Jack blushing, "I'm sorry. Should I explain or just read it to you or, um."

[blueeyedjohnny]

"I think I get the picture."

He sits down.

"Jack, everything I said about trying to get you into bed... I was confused. I was in a female body thinking about the male you, I was straight the other way around. And when I'm mad about someone and stressed out I sometimes forget to be polite and civilised and all those other things you try to teach me and despair at me not knowing."

He fidgets, looking both nervous and acutely embarrassed.

"There was only one part of my speech that still stands true."

[_to_the_bone]

For all that he was bracing himself for this, it still really hurts to hear. He busily flags a rat, and orders himself some tea.

[blueeyedjohnny]

"And that thing was... that you really are the only person who's ever been nice to me."

He touches Jack's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, I've hurt you even more now. I... Jack, if I were actually gay I'd go out with you in an instant. And I am actually very fond of you as a person. I mean, I don't tend to get attached to people in case they get killed. But also because I'm not a very nice person and people don't want me around."

Beat. "You wouldn't want me as a lover, I'm horrible. I don't respect women."

Another beat. "Except Serefine. I could do respect for her. Long as I concentrate. I tried crudeness, it didn't work."

[_to_the_bone]

"That's what I told you in the letter. And that I hate you so much for caring about her after what she's done."

Shoving Johnny's hand off his shoulder.

"I told you you were just..."

Ow.

[blueeyedjohnny]

"Oh."

Edward, sensing the tension, starts to cry. It's a quiet cry, apart from the tears, you'd hardly know he was doing it. None of the usual baby scream that deafens and makes your ears ring.

Johnny looks at the floor. He hasn't noticed the baby, given he's still on Jack's knee. Which is unusual these days, because he's got quite tuned into the funny cry.

"I'm sorry Jack, I don't do it on purpose. Anyway, I thought Serefine and Fire were two different... things. Like you and the Frost. Wasn't it Fire that hurt you?"

[_to_the_bone]

"No."

Jack reaches out for Edward, because there's no point upsetting the baby. Or having two of them like this.

"I fucking told you so, I knew this was stupid. There, there, it's not the end of the world, little one."

[blueeyedjohnny]

"Well I'm in the middle of a fucking war and bringing up a kid that isn't even mine on my own. I can't remember everything Jack! When do you think I last had more than two consecutive hours sleep?" he snaps.

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry if I fell for the wrong person. Why the hell am I apologising over again? It's none of your fucking business who I fancy, sister or not. Parker attacked me the first time we met, and he left you as if you were dirt without so much as a note, but I don't tell you not to fancy him..."

He stops, looking at Edward, who is now cuddled contentedly against Jack's shoulder, looking the other way. And frowns.

I get tense, he bawls his eyes out. I shout like hell, he completely ignores it. What's with that?

[_to_the_bone]

"You'd better take him," whispers Jack, handing the baby over because shit, he's going to break down now. He can't do it holding an infant and he can't do it here.

[blueeyedjohnny]

"Are you going to bolt if I do? Because we sort this out here and now."

He reaches over and snaps his fingers behind Edward's head. The baby doesn't notice.

"Hey, Eddy? Over here?" He snaps his fingers all around the baby's head until Eddy turns around. He looks quite relieved when he does.

"I hope you're not ignoring me Private Wig junior. I'm going to need you bright and alert when we go home tomorrow."

He glances at Jack, then picks Edward up.

"I'm done apologising. Not because I'm not sorry, but because it doesn't mean anything to you and it does to me. I don't tell people I'm sorry normally, I tell them to get stuffed."

He stands. "Guess I'm just a lost cause. You shouldn't have to put up with me..." he trails off, looking away, aching inside.

I can't stay, I'm hurting him. Whatever I say, I'm just hurting him more and more. Damnit, I don't know what to do...

I don't want to lose him.

[_to_the_bone]

"Apologies are an easy way to make yourself feel better about hurting people. You shouldn't give them unless you don't want to do it again, and she's goint to keep trying to kill me and you're going to keep being in love with her. She killed Frost, you know, his body on my living room floor and so much blood. It was very dramatic. Parker had to get garbage bags and the rug had to be thrown out."

Babbling, because he's crying and it's embarassing.

[blueeyedjohnny]

"..."

"... Did I know that before?" he asks weakly.

His expression turns to one of panic. He knows he's blocked out traumatic incidents before, ones with a lot of blood and violence, of death. He knows only because he occasionally notices the gaps.

"Because I could not love anyone who did that to you."

Panic begins to flood him, the blood draining from his face.

How much else have I blocked out? Pretended isn't happening? Did I see this, did he tell me? I can't go mad now, Eddy needs me...

[_to_the_bone]

"I didn't talk much about it. I sort of thought you'd guessed she was like that when she tried to gouge my eyes out with her fingers. I probably didn't tell you."

Jack's slowly getting more and more incoherent. Though he's fighting it like a trooper, bless.

"I like the new rug, at least."

[blueeyedjohnny]

"But I don't even remember you telling me about the gouging."

He's trembling now.

"I remember patching you up once after a fight with her, but I don't remember anything about eyes..."

He watches Jack.

"This is hopeless, everything I say or do just hurts you more and more. Tell me what to do, please! I am sorry but you don't believe me. You expect me to know things you aren't even sure you told me, and you're angry with me for not knowing them. I love you as a friend Jack, and I can't bear to see you turn into this at my hand. Say the word and I will go away and never bother you again, or find Parker for you even if it means he beats me to a pulp."

He crouches down and wipes at Jack's tears with his spare hand.

"Because you softened this old bastard, and he can't bear to see you cry at his hand."