(Untitled)

[bloody_awful]

A bloke walks into a bar. No, really! Barstool, Guinness, ashtray, and a plate of paradoxes with vinegar. Life is pretty damn good for John today.

BTW, he has no idea about the Armaggedoning going on (and, er, neither does mun). Anyone wanna fill him in? Or if not, come chat anyway.

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[last1out]

She's been drinking.

Just a little.

Either that, or she's been pretty damned unhappy for a minute.

In any case, she steals one of John's cigarettes.

"I don't know how you can eat those with vinegar. It's disgusting."

[bloody_awful]

He lights her smoke with the lighter that Kassandra gave him years ago, and smiles gently. "You don't know what good is, sweetheart. The salt and the vinegar makes them taste exactly like chips don't."

He thinks for a moment and then grins impishly. "Those two thugs I gave renal failure to, did they mention my name when you picked them up?"

[last1out]

"They might have. They very well might have."

A moment, and a drag of smoke, letting it hit the back of her throat before exhaling.

"And the way you eat chips is gross, too. Vinegar. Go and ruin a perfectly good bit of fried potato, why don't you?"

She lays her head on Bar, looking up at the cigarette smoke.

[bloody_awful]

John gives her a long look, and sighs. "All right sweetheart, what's on that mind?" He pauses. "We're still friends, I hope. I still give a shit."

[last1out]

She doesn't look at him, and her voice is muffled.

"The turtle. He got kidnapped. And is currently being vivisected. They're keeping him alive while they do it. And I can't get in there. Not unless something dies. I can't get him out without killing him. And I should have been keeping a better eye on him."

She raises her head enough to drag on the cigarette again.

"I'm a shitty girlfriend."

[bloody_awful]

"You," John says pointedly, "are the best goddamn girlfriend in this or any other universe." He pats the Bar. "Bar, love, give this lady a double-fudge sundae on me."

Double-fudge sundae appears. With extra cherries on top. And two spoons. He pushes it toward her and says, "I can get in anywhere, you know."

[last1out]

That gets John a small smile. And she puts out the cigarette, and picks up a spoon.

"How about St. Mungo's?"

[bloody_awful]

"What the fuck is a Mungo's?" John takes a long drink of his pint. "Look, anyone going to cut up that turtle, it's going to be me." Um, that's a joke, in a John kinda way. "So tell me everything you know, and Bob's your uncle."

[last1out]

And look! She's laughing! A little bit.

"You know Tonks, yes? Her world. There was a kind of a war, Raph went to help out, and got taken to their hospital. Where they figured out he wasn't, exactly, human. They got to running some tests. And they filed him away."

She's toying with a cherry, now, biting her lip.

"They're still running tests. He's in the lowest level, there. And there's so much wards and weirdness, that, well... There's really not much I can do personally."

[bloody_awful]

"Wand wavers. Fuck." The Wizarding World is one of the places where John's particular brand of mojo is useless.

But that doesn't mean ol' Conjob himself is useless.

"Get me through the door. I'll do the rest." He pats her hand. "Least I could do."

[last1out]

She starts in on that ice cream. And has the presence of mind to not tie the cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. That would just be mean.

"You should talk to Mike. He's getting an expidition together. I mean. It's not hopless, not by any means, but I'm sure he'd love to have all available hands."

Pause. More ice cream.

"The thing that burns about this? How I can't do anything about it myself."

[bloody_awful]

Yeah, that would be very mean, and John would have to get skanky about it. And they're getting on so well! For example, right now he smiles and says, "You don't have to do it yourself. That's what friends are for."

He considers a moment. "Mike? Right, the new Barman. He practically shits his pants every time he sees me. I'd rather do it myself, but if he has a way in, I can work with him."

[last1out]

"Well. It is his brother that he's going after."

Ice cream is so good. She almost forgot.

[bloody_awful]

He smiles and watches her lick the spoon. But not in a leering way. At least not that he's showing.

"S'true I could use the muscle." He moves like he's almost about to bonk shoulders with her, but stops at the last minute and turns it into a shrug. "You've nothing to worry about, sweetheart." And now he leers. "And maybe we can arrange a pickup or two for you so you can get in there yourself."

[last1out]

She smiles.

It's not, exactly, nice.

"That could be fun."

[bloody_awful]

He grins at her, takes the second spoon, and eats a big dollop of ice cream. "That's my girl." Then realizes what he just said, and adds, "or not. Just a figure of speech."