My life in ruins
So, I just had a full-blown mental melt-down in the shower. I just sat on the floor of the little square, about half-way through washing my hair, and sobbed, and sobbed and cried and punched the wall, until I hurt. Nothing could make it better. Nothing could make it stop. I still don't know why it happened.
Then, I stood up, began to rinse my hair, and promptly watched my ring fall off my finger, and slide down the drain. It may be gone forever. I am not certain this place was constructed to have a trap for such things. If it's gone forever, Travis may well hate me for it.
I sat in the living room and fended off two more panic attacks which tried to overwhelm me, and then curled in the bedroom and cried on Jade. I didn't want to cry.
Lissa asked me why I am not OK with crying today. I thought about it. I believe it has bad connections with mty childhood. Whenever I would cry as I child, I was told to stop, immeadiately or I would be given a reason to cry about. If I didn't, such a 'reason' was given to me at the business end of a belt. That has scarred me more deeply than I care to admit, sometimes. I fucking hate my father, right now, because my girlfriend thinks I don't trust her, because I find it hard to let myself cry in front of her.
I freaked out Andrew, tonight, with my participation in a joking conversation that Lissa and Jade and I were having. It made him uncomfortable, and I didn't notice when I should have. I blame myself for that. I hate hurting people
I hurt Cali tonight, too. I am not sure I grasp why she's upset with me, but she is, and it's because of something I said (or didn't say). I wish I would just stop harming those around me.
Then, I stood up, began to rinse my hair, and promptly watched my ring fall off my finger, and slide down the drain. It may be gone forever. I am not certain this place was constructed to have a trap for such things. If it's gone forever, Travis may well hate me for it.
I sat in the living room and fended off two more panic attacks which tried to overwhelm me, and then curled in the bedroom and cried on Jade. I didn't want to cry.
Lissa asked me why I am not OK with crying today. I thought about it. I believe it has bad connections with mty childhood. Whenever I would cry as I child, I was told to stop, immeadiately or I would be given a reason to cry about. If I didn't, such a 'reason' was given to me at the business end of a belt. That has scarred me more deeply than I care to admit, sometimes. I fucking hate my father, right now, because my girlfriend thinks I don't trust her, because I find it hard to let myself cry in front of her.
I freaked out Andrew, tonight, with my participation in a joking conversation that Lissa and Jade and I were having. It made him uncomfortable, and I didn't notice when I should have. I blame myself for that. I hate hurting people
I hurt Cali tonight, too. I am not sure I grasp why she's upset with me, but she is, and it's because of something I said (or didn't say). I wish I would just stop harming those around me.