(no subject)
I feel quite cute in my ballet outfit. Like a little kid, I am still in my uniform hours after practice because it makes me feel pretty. :3 Today I’m wearing my black and pink jogging shorts over sheer pink tights, my black tank top and my black sports bra (HELLO PROPERLY FITTING SPORTS BRA YOU MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE. Seriously. It doesn’t hurt to run and jump with my breasts squished into my chest like this! STRENEOUS FITNESS COME AT ME BRO.)
Today, like yesterday I stayed up until 5am coughing. I’m still sick, but I think/hope I’m getting better. I’ve been running on 4-6 hours of sleep every night this week. As low as my self-confidence can get at times, right now I am quite proud that I can handle a sinus infection, learning ballet, studying and passing (if not the grade I wanted, still at least passing) my math exam and doing all the chores my Grandma assigned to me. I have also kept up on my own goals.
I have lost 11 pounds this month. My room is still clean. My eyebrows are plucked and I have been applying the serum to my hair so that it will remain soft, silky and strong as I continue to grow it out. #bloodofthedragon
Tonight I have to read chapter 3 in my Astronomy textbook and then do the chapter 3 assignment online. Then I have to complete sections 2.6 and 2.7 in my online math course. I also have to do laundry, throw the lasagna in the oven and do my nightly reflections on the day and what I would like to have accomplished for tomorrow. If I have any extra time, I would also like to rewrite my Speech and Astronomy notes into my new notebooks, but I can always push that back for tomorrow if I run out of time.
Huh, my friend just texted me and said that tomorrow she is getting a mohawk like the one I used to have (with the sides being short like a pixie cut). While I’m happy for her to get the hair cut she’s been wanting, it makes me feel kind of sad because I miss that part of me that felt like I had nothing to lose. I got my Mohawk on a whim, I was just in for a trim and it was right after I got back from Portland so I wasn't exactly… stable. I don’t regret having a Mohawk, but I do regret how much pain I was in at the time and how I couldn't see myself in the chaos that was inside of me.
I was wild and fierce and everything else society tells us a modern woman should be in order to be independent. I was also lonely and felt like a shell of the person I was before I left California. So, I over compensated. The sadder I felt, the more reckless I became. How could I be so sad if I was embracing a more hedonistic lifestyle? How could I of felt so hollow when I was satisfying every whim and indulgence of mine? Why did I feel so unloved and worthless when I was constantly surrounded by friends?
Now I have ideas and people that are important to me. Aaron wants me to grow my hair out and I love him more than I love my short hair. I want to look in the mirror and feel pretty every day. I want to keep up on my basic grooming (eyebrows plucked, lipstick, hair pulled back) every day until it becomes a habit. Basically, I want to start loving myself. I want to feel confident in not just my looks, but how I portray myself to everyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Wow, when I talk about it like this I feel like I'm still just as fierce and wild as I was back in my more reckless days. I just have it focused on making myself happy and learning to love myself
Well. Time to get started on that homework.
Today, like yesterday I stayed up until 5am coughing. I’m still sick, but I think/hope I’m getting better. I’ve been running on 4-6 hours of sleep every night this week. As low as my self-confidence can get at times, right now I am quite proud that I can handle a sinus infection, learning ballet, studying and passing (if not the grade I wanted, still at least passing) my math exam and doing all the chores my Grandma assigned to me. I have also kept up on my own goals.
I have lost 11 pounds this month. My room is still clean. My eyebrows are plucked and I have been applying the serum to my hair so that it will remain soft, silky and strong as I continue to grow it out. #bloodofthedragon
Tonight I have to read chapter 3 in my Astronomy textbook and then do the chapter 3 assignment online. Then I have to complete sections 2.6 and 2.7 in my online math course. I also have to do laundry, throw the lasagna in the oven and do my nightly reflections on the day and what I would like to have accomplished for tomorrow. If I have any extra time, I would also like to rewrite my Speech and Astronomy notes into my new notebooks, but I can always push that back for tomorrow if I run out of time.
Huh, my friend just texted me and said that tomorrow she is getting a mohawk like the one I used to have (with the sides being short like a pixie cut). While I’m happy for her to get the hair cut she’s been wanting, it makes me feel kind of sad because I miss that part of me that felt like I had nothing to lose. I got my Mohawk on a whim, I was just in for a trim and it was right after I got back from Portland so I wasn't exactly… stable. I don’t regret having a Mohawk, but I do regret how much pain I was in at the time and how I couldn't see myself in the chaos that was inside of me.
I was wild and fierce and everything else society tells us a modern woman should be in order to be independent. I was also lonely and felt like a shell of the person I was before I left California. So, I over compensated. The sadder I felt, the more reckless I became. How could I be so sad if I was embracing a more hedonistic lifestyle? How could I of felt so hollow when I was satisfying every whim and indulgence of mine? Why did I feel so unloved and worthless when I was constantly surrounded by friends?
Now I have ideas and people that are important to me. Aaron wants me to grow my hair out and I love him more than I love my short hair. I want to look in the mirror and feel pretty every day. I want to keep up on my basic grooming (eyebrows plucked, lipstick, hair pulled back) every day until it becomes a habit. Basically, I want to start loving myself. I want to feel confident in not just my looks, but how I portray myself to everyone else. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Wow, when I talk about it like this I feel like I'm still just as fierce and wild as I was back in my more reckless days. I just have it focused on making myself happy and learning to love myself
Well. Time to get started on that homework.