(no subject)
I'm at my mom's in South Jersey with crazy mad insomnia. I've been home now about a week and a half, back and forth between NY and here. Flew in for a job interview, but after an almost 3 hour interview, they said they'd probably be calling me back in for a 2nd round. Good that I'd done well, but bad that I have now been sticking around to see when they'll schedule this. Since they don't know that I don't live here (I used a NY address on my resume), I don't want to risk flying back to LA and then having to come back again too soon. Meanwhile, I had a job interview in LA just before I left, and I just heard from them that they would be in touch to schedule a second round with me soon.
While I would never complain that I'm going to the second round with 2 different jobs, I just feel that with them being on separate coasts and me not really sure where to stay put for the time being, I'm stuck in this weird limbo. I don't know what will happen with the jobs, and I don't even know where I'll be living in a few months. What I do know, is that both jobs are not only kick-ass opportunities, they're way better than anything that I could have imagined when I had my last job. And I don't think I would ever have looked had I not lost that job. So while this phase of my life has felt disastrous at times, I'm sure it's all happening for a reason.
I'm cautiously excited, because I really really want both jobs. I'm trying not to be so excited, though, because that will make me pressure myself to do well in the interviews, and that's always a recipe for disaster.
I have a new man in my life as well. Well, to say that is not really accurate. He's someone I've known for 10 years, but he is newly single, and we've been corresponding pretty heavily for almost 3 months now. For Valentine's Day, he sent me the most gorgeous red roses and a very sweet card. I haven't received flowers from a man in so many years, and I was definitely surprised, since we live on opposite coasts right now (he's a Bostonian). But he has always been that guy that I knew in my head I SHOULD have chosen, instead of the terrible guy that I did choose during that period of my life. It's odd to feel romantic toward a man who has known both of my other serious, long-term boyfriends and therefore has a frame of reference as to why I feel the way I do about things and how I am in a relationship, so that part has been quite comforting. It's also strange how quickly things seem to want to progress since we already know all the basics about each other, and then some. I think the fact that we live so far apart has been good in that respect because it's forced things to develop slowly. Since I'm going to NY tomorrow for some freelance meetings and to hang out with friends, he decided to get a hotel room and come down to see me for the weekend. I'm really excited to spend more time with him. I'm definitely being cautious, as there are clearly many obstacles at this point, but he's a good guy, so I'm curious to see where things lead.
The thing that I've found most interesting in all of this is how shamed I am by my joblessness. I am more determined than ever to find something and get back on my feet again. I think it's because I've been so independent for my whole life and right now, I feel so helpless and like I have nothing to offer to a potential partner. I think about how many girls rely on men to support them and take care of all their needs and it doesn't bother them at all that they don't have a career or a way to provide for themselves, but it's such a foreign concept to me. I want to be able to be a partner to a man. I want to be able to say, here is what I can offer you. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's definitely added a sense of urgency to my job search.
I'm also trying not to let it affect my feelings toward the two jobs, but there is a part of me that thinks it would be nice to get the NY job, and be so much closer to him. Then there is a part of me that thinks that the LA job, for at least a year, would be better, because it would allow me to get back on my feet and leave LA as I arrived. The NY job would require another cross-country move, this one obviously not subsidized by my company, and I am so in debt right now that it would seriously cripple me. Then there's the part of me that reminds me that I haven't been offered either job yet, and I should really just hope that I get at least one of them. And that is the most logical part.
Unemployment is definitely a journey of self-discovery. I don't wish it upon anyone, but for me, it's been a chance to back up, re-prioritize, and maybe get back on a better path than the one I was walking on before.
While I would never complain that I'm going to the second round with 2 different jobs, I just feel that with them being on separate coasts and me not really sure where to stay put for the time being, I'm stuck in this weird limbo. I don't know what will happen with the jobs, and I don't even know where I'll be living in a few months. What I do know, is that both jobs are not only kick-ass opportunities, they're way better than anything that I could have imagined when I had my last job. And I don't think I would ever have looked had I not lost that job. So while this phase of my life has felt disastrous at times, I'm sure it's all happening for a reason.
I'm cautiously excited, because I really really want both jobs. I'm trying not to be so excited, though, because that will make me pressure myself to do well in the interviews, and that's always a recipe for disaster.
I have a new man in my life as well. Well, to say that is not really accurate. He's someone I've known for 10 years, but he is newly single, and we've been corresponding pretty heavily for almost 3 months now. For Valentine's Day, he sent me the most gorgeous red roses and a very sweet card. I haven't received flowers from a man in so many years, and I was definitely surprised, since we live on opposite coasts right now (he's a Bostonian). But he has always been that guy that I knew in my head I SHOULD have chosen, instead of the terrible guy that I did choose during that period of my life. It's odd to feel romantic toward a man who has known both of my other serious, long-term boyfriends and therefore has a frame of reference as to why I feel the way I do about things and how I am in a relationship, so that part has been quite comforting. It's also strange how quickly things seem to want to progress since we already know all the basics about each other, and then some. I think the fact that we live so far apart has been good in that respect because it's forced things to develop slowly. Since I'm going to NY tomorrow for some freelance meetings and to hang out with friends, he decided to get a hotel room and come down to see me for the weekend. I'm really excited to spend more time with him. I'm definitely being cautious, as there are clearly many obstacles at this point, but he's a good guy, so I'm curious to see where things lead.
The thing that I've found most interesting in all of this is how shamed I am by my joblessness. I am more determined than ever to find something and get back on my feet again. I think it's because I've been so independent for my whole life and right now, I feel so helpless and like I have nothing to offer to a potential partner. I think about how many girls rely on men to support them and take care of all their needs and it doesn't bother them at all that they don't have a career or a way to provide for themselves, but it's such a foreign concept to me. I want to be able to be a partner to a man. I want to be able to say, here is what I can offer you. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it's definitely added a sense of urgency to my job search.
I'm also trying not to let it affect my feelings toward the two jobs, but there is a part of me that thinks it would be nice to get the NY job, and be so much closer to him. Then there is a part of me that thinks that the LA job, for at least a year, would be better, because it would allow me to get back on my feet and leave LA as I arrived. The NY job would require another cross-country move, this one obviously not subsidized by my company, and I am so in debt right now that it would seriously cripple me. Then there's the part of me that reminds me that I haven't been offered either job yet, and I should really just hope that I get at least one of them. And that is the most logical part.
Unemployment is definitely a journey of self-discovery. I don't wish it upon anyone, but for me, it's been a chance to back up, re-prioritize, and maybe get back on a better path than the one I was walking on before.