Continuing to work on that
five things list meme, I've finally completed "5 strangest places where Cuddy caught House and Wilson together" for
ahsinet. It seems to, um, have spawned a few very rough ficlets, and also a bonus, which I rejected from the initial five for not being funny enough but couldn't cut out completely.
The Five Six Strangest Places
Where Cuddy Caught House and Wilson
6: Leaving the hospital late one night, she found them together on his motorcycle, tucked away in a shadowed nook that probably would have concealed them if not for the laugh she heard, and went to investigate. They never saw her, and she never mentioned she'd seen them. Wilson was seated in front, his hands on the handlebars, and House was behind him, arms wrapped around Wilson's waist, leaning in close and whispering something in Wilson's ear that made Wilson both smile and inhale sharply, his eyes fluttering closed when House leaned in to breathe across his neck, slightly nuzzling the skin below his ear.
She made herself leave, then, quickly but as quietly as she could manage. And told herself she had no right to feel jealous. And very pointedly didn't think too hard about which one she was jealous of.
5: His office really shouldn't count as strange, except it was the middle of the day and his full staff was in attendance, watching with patient expressions as House pinned Wilson to the desk. House seemed to be in the middle of explaining something, and everyone turned to stare at her with politely expectant and not particularly embarrassed looks when Cuddy entered the room and froze, taking in the tableau.
And after a moment she managed, "I'll come back later," and somewhat hurriedly left.
No one ever told her what that was about, and she never quite found the courage to ask.
4: She concludes that story with, "And that's why not only will I never let them attend a medical conference together again, but I also had to do some very fast talking to make sure any of the rest of the hospital staff would ever be invited anywhere, too."
Other than that, she tries not to think about it.
3: It was a cutesy diner and Cuddy herself was almost embarrassed to be caught there, but they made the best comfort food ever, and it was worth putting up with the little lacy decorations and the single bathroom. Which was the crux of the problem and the catching, because after banging on the door three times and being just about ready to leave, the last thing she expected was to have Wilson stumble out backwards and laughing, followed by House a moment later.
The resultant strained pause was finally broken by Wilson rubbing the back of his neck and saying, "Awkward," and House asking if today's special was any good.
The other part of the reason that Cuddy ate here turned up as one of the waitresses breezed past and said, "Oh honey, right now the special is you."
2:
"You don't even have a membership at this gym!" Cuddy said, glaring.
House tried to look winsome and innocent. "Well, no," he said thoughtfully, as though he was responding to an idle musing and not an accusation of a further attempt to make Cuddy's life miserable. "But we could be and it's very important for future members to explore the facilities before making a firm commitment."
She pointedly looked at his thigh, which wasn't difficult when all he was wearing was a pair of boxer shorts and an open button-front shirt. Wilson, who was leaning against the wall and trying not to meet anyone's eyes, had at least scrambled into pants. "Yes, because you so clearly would want to embrace a public workout regimen," she said.
"Well, they have spouse or civil equivalent bonus packages," House responded chirpily, and Wilson's head came up with a nearly audible snap, "which makes Jimmy-dear's decision kind of important to me, too."
"Wilson already has a gym, and it's not this one," Cuddy pointed out, icily. She still wasn't over the fact Wilson had gotten a membership at Fast Tracker's first, but there was no way she would get one there as well, not when it would result in.... Well, not this exactly, but she had foreseen House inviting himself along so they could enjoy a mutual session of watching how the treadmill machine made her bounce.
"Between the two of us, it's not really sympathetic to our needs," House said, batting his eyelashes. Cuddy held in a gargle as he continued, turning to look over his shoulder. "So it's always good to check out the options, right hone--" House broke off and frowned at Wilson, who was staring at him with a shocked expression. "What?" House asked, a bit irritatedly, glancing briefly around and not seeming to find anything really noteworthy in his lack of dress, Cuddy's stressed-out state, and the changing room they were crammed in.
"Did you just propose to me?" Wilson asked, a little faintly.
There was a brief pause during which Cuddy could almost hear House rewinding and replaying the conversation in his head, and then he reset his jaw, licked his lips, and said, "Oh. Um." There was a lengthier pause while they stared at each other, completely oblivious to Cuddy and her rising eyebrows, and then House finally offered, "I guess?"
Wilson looked like he was considering falling over, and Cuddy felt herself start to smile for the first time since she'd ended her workout, come to change, and found the two of them... not exactly waiting for her. On second thought, she decided, crossing her arms, this could be fun.
1:
There weren't really any occasions where Cuddy liked being woken up just past midnight by a call from the hospital that required her immediate presence, but there were some that she liked even less. Pretty much anything involving House fell under that category, and anything involving several angry nurses, House, and the maternity ward had the potential to result in an a brand new low of things she didn't like. She had barely had an hour of sleep, she was wearing wrinkled clothes, and she had the start of a killer headache even ignoring the hormonal swings. The last thing she needed was this, whatever... this was.
The nurses hadn't said. They just met her at the door, a grim line of women, and escorted her to the closed-off little seating area just off the maternity ward where they'd dumped House.
Somehow it wasn't a surprise to see Wilson there with him. The degree to which they were rumpled was, however.
She gave them a long look and raised her eyebrows.
Wilson tried to slump down even lower in the chair.
House, on the other hand, gave her a bright smile. "Now, I know what you're thinking," he began, in the most upbeat possible voice.
"You do," she murmured.
"Yep. So let me just reassure you right now that we took all the necessary precautions." Wilson twitched a little, but House ignored him and went on, "Took forever to find those candles, but we willingly lay such sacrifices at your feet--they're as non-toxic as a flaming, smoking thing can be, and biodegradable too, which really wasn't necessary but seemed like a nice, friendly thing to do when trying to enact nature magic."
Cuddy blinked, but didn't say anything.
"Now," House went on, warming to his subject and leaning back, "whatever the nurses have told you, it's not blood. Just strawberry syrup with a couple additives for texture and odor, to make things as safe as we could without sacrificing the niceties. A rag with soap and water will clean it right off with the babies completely unharmed and their parents none the wiser, unless they grow up with an odd predilection for decorating their face in arcane symbols, which while potentially awkward would still be a boon to society, since it would prove that children retain memories from a much younger period than current thought suggests."
There was a pause while he looked at her for commentary. She fought and urge to rub her temples and settled for a neutral, "I see."
Wilson's ears were slowly turning red.
"Admittedly, the ceremony we put together was a bit slapdash, but I think we managed all the important things," House said, going into a musing tone. "You'd just be amazed what a google for 'fertility magic' will bring up. We just went for the most basic rite we could find, and tried to hit the big, recurring thematic elements--blood, fire, offspring, and of course sex. That was the fun bit. Eggs and rabbits are a pretty common theme for the European pagan rites, of course, so we snagged some of the hospital's stuffed animals, but I don't think the nurses really noticed those. We couldn't figure out how to work in any kind of harvest theme, but it's late spring and that's probably good enough. Let us know how it works out, because I assure you we are totally up for another go," he concluded, with another bright, sunny smile.
Cuddy considered killing him, but decided not to--not so much because he didn't deserve it, but because she thought maybe Wilson, who seemed to be having difficulty with his breathing, probably should get first crack.
"We'll discuss this tomorrow," she finally said, then added, "And be prepared to grovel," and then hastily left the room before House could come up with a suggestive comment to go with that suggestive smirk.
Soothing the nurses without giving specific details was trickier, but she managed it somehow, possibly going entirely on the strength of how stressed out she looked and the terrible, longing gazes she found herself giving the coffee pots. Eventually, after she had noticed the sequin-decorated shrine with her picture on it that had fetched up in the nurses station and was seriously reconsidering going back and killing House, one of the nurses dispersed all the rest, handed her a piece of pie, and sent her on her way.
The next day the nurses denied ever having seen the thing, which made House sulk, but ultimately, Cuddy decided to give it to them. Anything to make this go away faster.
Besides, it had been surprisingly good pie.