MY TERRIBLE SUMMER OF LIMBO:
Oh boy....
I try to stay positive. I swear, I really do. Mum manages to help me stay calm. Pauly knows the impact of great mums. :-D But, like right this moment, I'm in one of those I feel sick to the pit of my stomach' moments because I'm terrible at exams and I'll have to do the resits in early September. :( I try and tell myself that I already know half of what needs to be known and that I can get through this if I work hard, but really I don't know what I'm doing. Work hard on exams?! ha, that'll be the day. Why do I find exams so hard to pass and why does my memory fail me so badly?! It's awful and sad, but I haven't been able to break the cycle so far. :( If only I had to do essays, I'd be flying with a 2.1 (at least). But no, I have to be an unlucky sufferer of exam-itis! :-P IF ONLY I stay positive and try to enjoy the two subjects that i have to pass then I'll pull through it all, I try to tell myself. After that I can relax and prepare for MY LAST YEAR with a little less burden on my shoulders for 2-3 weeks max. But then again, I have to find someone or a group of people to work with on an EU project this coming year which will count for 50% of our eu law mark. And I don't even know what i'm doing yet or with whom. Fatima planned what she was doing with her group during the SUMMER holidays! I'm still hoping to pass my 2nd year re-sits first of all! *breathes into a paper bag* I wish it was all over this year. *sigh* Yet another torturous year awaits me. and all I want to do is get a fantastic job (even if it's not in law) which I'd love doing everyday or start my main company idea and learn as much as possible and feel confident that i know what I'm doing. but I'm terrified that I hardly know anything about anything and that I'll flat on my face at the first hurdle. :(
The good thing is that Jonathan is not here to ask for any of my time (which would make me more scared out of my skin about everything) and I don't need to feel that loved-up feeling anymore, which can be distracting. Yet, sometimes i miss him and I feel as if he's still here - around me - somehow. That makes me smile, as do our memories. :) And yet, at other times I 'wake up' so to speak and 'realise' that I almost went into the unknown world of love and a future of 'coupledom', which freaks me out when I'm not busy being in my 'loved-up' state of mind (which I enjoy). So really, it's a good thing he's gone to australia - but yet I can't help but admit that I miss him now and then or that I smile whenever I remember something like a memory or something about him which I find oh so attractive (& there are a few). Oh, I can't have it both ways, can I.... :(
I wish things weren't so hard. Sometimes I wonder if I only make things difficult for myself, but either way nothing has changed!!! :-( It's like a cigarette habit that i just can't break. I don't know what to do anymore.
*feels dizzy before she drops*
Bah, I don't want to miss jonathan anymore, but he's in the back of mind all the time now (unlike Dan). and although NOW I think I MAY have been in love all along - and probably so (but i didn't want to admit it) - we may still not have worked out long-term, which would be disappointing. :( So perhaps I'd rather he find happiness with Becky and I'll have peace of my mind that he was meant to be with another after all. I'll be fine - just give me until after my re-sits. Still, he was the only thing that kept me calm and happy (other than mum) when the going got tough with studies. I was in a dreamworld/holiday whenever i was with him - he distracted me from everything troublesome. Still, if one of us isn't financially stable long-term, it would cause problems for me (because I'm terrified when it comes to money). Well, we all can be really, but me more so than others. and money is the one thing that couples argue over the most and I don't want that to ever be a factor. no wondr many try and find a rich partner. In this day and age it would be nice, eh? Yet, we all want some form of independency, otherwise we may resent things at some point or another. And i'm still not sure what he'd be like to actually LIVE WITH - that could be a major turning point. :-S
I'd really like to do what 'Carrie Bradshaw' does - and that's to be a columnist. I think I'd be good at it but i'd have to tweak my writing a bit here and there. That I can do. :) I love writing my thoughts and analysing the world. I used to do it all the time when I was younger. I even tried my hand at analysing politics, education, etc. *sigh*
I've always had the fear that even though I have a passion for so many things, I'm afraid I don't have the talent to be successful in it long-term. Reading Jenna's recent LJ reminded me of myself and I think the most we cna do is get work experience in our areas of interest to see how we do. It's like a 'trial' to see what we can achieve, you know? I hope that's of some help to Jenna (& others). :)
p.s. Speaking of dreams, I never said that i had a second dream of James (while I was still with J) and I woke up feeling some sort of loss. :( but the next day I was fine again and I didn't give it a second thought - exctly like the first time round. I hardly ever ream of men so it was weird that i had a double whammy of sorts last weekend! :-D Saturday night - a dream with Dan in which he tried to win me over and pull me away from Jonathan. Weird. Sunday night: I was just generally hanging out with some guy AND (finally) Jonathan popped into the dream! Mum said the next morning that I was laughing and smiling in my sleep - I hope that was while jonathan was in it! haha. she thought it was sweet and amusing to think that i was smiling in my sleep when he was in it. :)