Rebuilding
Wednesday night I'm having dinner with *Becky*. I have a lot of thoughts about this.
First of all, if any forgiving is going to ensue, Becky's going to be the first to receive it. It is my belief that she deserves it more than Dean, so I won't be forgiving him before I forgive her. (I sound so self-righteous right now, but that's not how I mean it.) Also I've been remembering lately how much I used to love hanging out with her. I feel like maybe the wounds are slowly healing, as nowadays I'm feeling more nostalgic for the good times we had.
But then a part of me will flash back to an idea involving the two of them. I guess the most frequent one is about them having sex. I can still feel my heart tearing a little at the idea that she had sex with the one person I ever felt close enough with to lose my virginity to. That idea totally freaks me out.
So I want to see her, but I don't know if that other part of me is hurting because it still needs time or because it needs to create new Becky memories on top of the old ones.
On a similar note, I'm just now remembering something that Dean said to me when we talked the other night. He said that when all of this was happening, Becky was so terrified of losing me as a friend, and that's why she was trying so hard to keep us together. That was evident to me at the time, but I just wasn't ready for that. My question now is...why wasn't Dean as worried about losing me as a friend?
First of all, if any forgiving is going to ensue, Becky's going to be the first to receive it. It is my belief that she deserves it more than Dean, so I won't be forgiving him before I forgive her. (I sound so self-righteous right now, but that's not how I mean it.) Also I've been remembering lately how much I used to love hanging out with her. I feel like maybe the wounds are slowly healing, as nowadays I'm feeling more nostalgic for the good times we had.
But then a part of me will flash back to an idea involving the two of them. I guess the most frequent one is about them having sex. I can still feel my heart tearing a little at the idea that she had sex with the one person I ever felt close enough with to lose my virginity to. That idea totally freaks me out.
So I want to see her, but I don't know if that other part of me is hurting because it still needs time or because it needs to create new Becky memories on top of the old ones.
On a similar note, I'm just now remembering something that Dean said to me when we talked the other night. He said that when all of this was happening, Becky was so terrified of losing me as a friend, and that's why she was trying so hard to keep us together. That was evident to me at the time, but I just wasn't ready for that. My question now is...why wasn't Dean as worried about losing me as a friend?